14th December 2014, 10.01pm

I am so sick of my roommate! I am so glad she is moving in with a friend after winter break. Her boyfriend is always over here and he's annoying as fuck and never wants to leave. She encourages his fucking behavior and rewards him for whining by kissing him and giving him food. This is ridiculous. It is my room too, but when I had Zach here she made a big ass deal about not being in the room a lot. I didn't ask her to leave us alone. She did that all on her fucking own. All I asked was that she sleep at her boyfriend's for ONE night so Zach and I could sleep on the FLOOR of our room together. This is ridiculous! She kept texting me to make sure it was "safe" for her to walk in. We aren't going to just do it on the floor of my room! We have some dignity. Yeah, we fooled around but only at night so we knew no one would walk in on us and we had the door locked. I'm so sick of her coming back to the room drunk at 3 in the morning when I have shit to do at 8am. I can't wait to have the room to myself, even if it's just for a week or two. Who knows, maybe no one will move in and I'll have the room all to myself! That'd be fucking awesome. My roommate is rude and obnoxious. I can't stand her anymore. I've been putting up with her by just leaving the damn room and getting away from her even if it's just for a cigarette. I shouldn't have to go sit outside because she's too busy having a ton of friends in our room. I can't get anything done in there. Hell, I'm sitting in the lounge right now because she has her boyfriend over. He's watching Netflix while she's studying and every few minutes or so she'll ask very loudly what the hell happened. I'm sick of her. I'm sick of her boyfriend. I can't wait to go home.... Only 3 1/2 more days.... I can do this. At least she leaves the day before me so I can have my stuff all over the room while I pack. I can't wait to see Zach. He's coming out here to pick me up so I can come home a day sooner than I would be able to if I was to catch a ride with a friend. While I'm checking out with my RA, he's agreed to start carrying stuff down for me. Isn't he the best? I can't believe it's only been four months since we got back together... God, I love him so much...

10th December 2014, 10.53am

Today marks 2 weeks of no self harm and 1 week until my first exam. But today marks something much more important. Today marks 4 months that my boyfriend and I have been back together. He has done so much to help me with my depression and he's always there for me no matter what. He means the world to me. He only wants what's best for me. Yeah, we have our fights but in the end we always figure out what went wrong and try to fix it. I love him to the moon and back. I want a future with him and I am striving towards that by going to college. The distance is hard, but we both know it will be worth it in the end. Besides, it makes the time we get to spend together even more special. I love him with all of my heart and I don't think I'd be here without him at this point.

4th December 2014, 10.20pm

I make poor life choices. I continually learn this the hard way. I give people second chance after second chance in hopes that they will change. I should know they won't. But for some insane reason, I continue to try and be the better person and take the high road.

10.42pm

Relapsed.... I'm sorry.... I'm so sorry....

2nd December 2014, 10.24pm

Everything's getting harder. I haven't gone a day without crying in a while now... I can't keep living like this. I can't handle the mental and emotional break downs. I can't handle the panic attacks. I can't handle the urges. I want to cut. I want to burn. I want to pull. I want to scratch. I want to choke. I want to die. I hate crying so fucking much.

1st December 2014, 9.13pm

panic. fear. headache. pain. pain. pain. pain....

22nd November 2014, 12.52pm

There's a lot running through my mind lately. I don't think I want to try and get it all down just yet. I want to see how some things turn out.

It's been over a month since I heard from my one friend that tried to kill himself. I just don't know what to do or how to try and get a hold of him. I miss talking to him... It used to annoy me when we talked, but now I just miss it. I miss seeing his name pop up on my phone...

17th November 2014, 9.21pm

It's snowing again tonight. I hate winter. I hate snow.... I've been really depressed for about 3 weeks now... I want to just end it all... I want to just take a shit ton of pills and end my life once and for all... I'm useless and worthless and incomplete and a lost cause...

10th November 2014, 8.12am

So today is Zach and my three month. We celebrated over the weekend and it was the happiest I've been in a while. School seems to be draining me again and my job is just... Aggravating to say the least. Thanksgiving this year may be my first holiday away from home because of my job...

5th November 2014, 8.37am

Yesterday, I had another friend end up in the hospital... This time it was my fault... I'm the one he pushed him over the edge... We had been fighting and he said he was depressed but I just kept going at him with everything I had... I should have stopped... I should have held him... I feel so guilty... They let him go home after his 24 hour pysch hold finished, but he's back again today to make sure there isn't too much damage... I could have prevented all of this but I didn't....

31st October 2014, 5.32pm

Happy Halloween! I dressed up for class today and just got a lot of weird looks. Thanks for killing what little esteem I had... Now I'm just sitting in my room because there is absolutely nothing to do tonight... I won't get to see much of my family during this family weekend due to band. I'll literally get to see my dad and them for breakfast tomorrow and then a bit after the football game, but then they are leaving. Mum will be coming for the game tomorrow and the the band's Last Blast concert on Sunday but otherwise, I don't get a lot of time with anyone.... It really sucks. I wish I knew of a party happening tonight. I just want to get out one fucking Friday night. This is so stupid, but I'm almost in tears over this. I'm sick of being the weird girl. I really thought that would be left behind in high school. I guess not... Fuck... I started crying.... I'm going to go before I start bawling my eyes out....

30th October 2014, 9.49pm

So, my poor boo bear is sick today. He had to stay home from work because he was puking and all shakey... I wish I was there to take care of him like he took care of me... He's not perfect, but he's all I could ever ask for... He's my guardian angel and I absolutely love him. I really don't know what I'd do if he hadn't taken me back... I really don't think I could have faced the rejection... I think he is my one and only forever love and that makes me so happy....

27th October 2014, 10.37am

I had an absolutely amazing weekend! I just wish it didn't have to end. I got to spend two nights with my mama and spend three wonderful days with my boyfriend. I got to see two of my French friends and go to Six Flags for Fright Fest with them and an old friend. I got to finally cut my hair short and dye it red again. Yeah, coming back to college kind of depressed me but now I get to see everyone here again so it's not that bad anymore. I can't wait for this coming weekend. I just wish I could spend more time with my family for FAMILY weekend..

20th October 2014, 11.04am

I got a call from my hometown's county police department this morning... My friend tried to kill himself last night.... He's okay and is in the hospital... I just wish I had done more... He texted me and seemed off, but I didn't do anything about it... I should have called him...

19th October 2014, 10.14pm

I saw the man again while walking back to my dorm. There's a graveyard that I have to walk past in order to get to my dorm from where I was. He was sitting on a gravestone, whispering to me... He kept telling me to come play... I almost had a panic attack right there on the sidewalk.... I just stared at him as I walked past, trying not to cry.... I know he isn't really, but he scares the hell out of me... I'm just losing my god damn mind. I'm still freaking out and it happened over 20 minutes ago... The graveyard is just across the street... I can still hear him beckoning me to come play... Well guess what... I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING PLAY WITH YOU!!! ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS HURT ME! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?!?! I need to go.... I need to go somewhere else... Anywhere... I'm not safe here... I'd be safer on the streets than near this damned graveyard.... Maybe I should go for a walk tonight... Stay out until the sun comes up.... I just can't stand the pounding in my head that he's causing... I don't even know his name... I just want him GONE!!! Why can't I just be fucking normal?! Why do I have to be so fucked up in the head.... I need to go to sleep... Maybe that'll make him go away... Or at least get me to stop shaking....

18th October 2014, 10.07am

My newest fasting goal is 48 hours. This started at 2pm yesterday. So far I am at 20 hours. It feels so good to be hungry. I want to get up to a seven day fast or 168 hours. I wish I could do it faster.

17th October 2014, 1.15pm

I made it 26 hours without eating. My fasts are getting longer and that makes me really happy. :)

16th October 2014, 7.47pm

I don't know how I'm feeling about today.... I'm really sad but at the same time I'm worried about a couple of friends that need me to be okay so that I can make sure they are okay... Everything seems to be going in a downward spiral and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't want to eat.... I haven't eaten in about 9 hours now. By morning it'll be at least 22 hours. I highly doubt I'll eat much if at all tomorrow... My stomach gets upset any time I do eat... I've been getting these waves of dizziness lately too. They make me sway in my seat a bit and my vision to go blurry. I assume I should be worried, but I can't seem to make myself care. I'm kind of ready for all of this to be over... I don't feel like I matter to people anymore. I feel like they just act like I matter in order to keep me from offing myself for just a bit longer. I don't know how much longer I can hold on though....I don't think I even want to... I keep thinking that I could OD so easily and it's stopped scaring me... I don't think I'd be able to take enough pills, though. Maybe starving to death is an option... Your body can go three weeks without food before it begins to eat away at itself... I'm okay with that.... I just... I don't want to be here anymore... I want to just curl up in a ball and die... I do nothing of use anyways. I'm worthless and the world would be better off without me here... Maybe it is time to die...

5.22pm

Surprise, surprise... Zach and I are fighting again and guess who's fault it is... That's right, mine.... I fuck up so god damn much... He deserves so much better, but I don't want to give him up... I love him.. I need him in my life.. He's the only person I've ever found that actually understands me 100%. I know I'm a huge pain in the ass, but for some reason he sticks around.... I don't know if it's love or if we are just scared of being alone... Some days we are amazing and others, like today, I fuck shit up and blame him... I want to apologize right now, but we both need some time to cool off... I just want to curl up in bed and fall asleep, never to awake again... I hate hurting him so much... I don't mean to do it, it just happens... I feel like I can't control myself and I hate it... I need to be wrapped up in his arms... The distance is getting the better of me... I just need to know he's really there... I feel like I've lost my mind. Maybe I have... I need to go talk to him... Tell him I love him... I can't lose him again....

15th October 2014, 1.33pm

I was fasting last night starting at 7pm. It was only supposed to last until 7am, but I didn't end up eating until 1pm today. I forgot how good it felt to be hungry. I want to go an entire weekend without eating. Maybe get back up to my two week fasts... Those made me feel so good. I just can't tell Zach. He's the reason I finally ate today... He kept crying and begging me to eat... I felt so awful...

7th October 2014, 9.52am

I've completely lost it... I've started hearing a man's voice... He's always yelling at me, but I can't make out what he's saying. Whenever I hear it, I start clawing my arms. I've made them bleed three times already this week and it's only Tuesday... I passed out this morning. I think it was due to stress, but I'm not sure... I'm scared of my roommate seeing me when I start clawing my arms... I don't want to go back to the hospital... I just can't... I'd much rather die than go back there to those people... I don't know what to do anymore... I'm so scared that this is going to scare away Zach. I can't lose him again. I just fucking can't! I need help, but I have no time to seek it... I always have class, work, homework, or something for band...

25th September 2014, 10.58am

I've been sick for the past 4-5 days... At this point, I've completely lost my voice. I ended up skipping my two morning classes so I could get some more sleep to try and get better sooner....

On the bright side, I get to see Zach again tomorrow. I just hope I can talk by then!

Otherwise, nothing is new really. I don't really even know what to talk about. I just want to go back to sleep... I have work 12pm-3pm and then my chemistry lab from 3pm-6pm and finally my first chemistry exam at 7pm. I don't have my Introduction to Theatre class tomorrow, so I can sleep in a lot more which is fantastic.

19th September 2014, 9.35am

I just cried most of the night... The only thing I have to look forward to right now is seeing Zach in about 11 hours...

10.21pm

I hate when I open up to people... Why do I do this to myself...? I hate when people try to help... I always just end up worse... Please just stop.... let me figure shit out....

8.25pm

I just don't see a point in trying anymore... I just want to die already... I don't want to be here... It's so fucking hard not to cry in front of my roommate while my entire world is crashing down... I can't do this anymore....

18th September 2014, 9.34am

You people should snapchat me... I'm so bored and will answer I promise ;-;
My snapchat is just conromeg
Seriously... You should do it and keep my company :D

8.32pm

The longer I'm up, the more depressed I get... My wrist is red and swollen from snapping a rubber band against it all day to curb urges... I don't know how much longer I can do this bullshit... I'm so lonely and so out of place here... Why should I bother if no one will notice that I'm gone??

10.24am

I've been surfing Tumblr and I found this really great thing.

"Sometimes recovery is waking up early to write in coffee shops and practicing yoga and eating lots of fruit and chocolate and sometimes it’s staying in bed all day and hiding from the world until you can stop crying. All of this is okay. What’s important is that you take care of yourself no matter what kind of day you’re having."

Isn't it just absolutely perfect?

17th September 2014, 9.15am

I don't have class until noon today, but after that it's just classes non stop... I get to see Zach in just two days. I can't wait to be in his arms... Maybe it'll make the demons quiet down for just a bit...

15th September 2014, 9.06pm

College is begin to takes its toll on me and my relationship with my boyfriend. We got in a huge fight yesterday and actually broke up for a bit, but I'm not counting it as an actual break up... I just need to seem him... Just four more days...

In other news, I only have 17 days until I go to Green Bay, WI to play for the halftime show of the Packer vs. Vikings game. It's exciting but scary as all hell.

14th September 2014, 3.57pm

All I ever do is upset my boyfriend... I don't do anything right anymore... I should just leave him so he can be happy again... I don't want to leave him... I love him so much, but I don't want to see him in the mental hospital again... That hurt so much last time... I can't do this but I can't hurt him anymore....

11th September 2014, 6.02pm

I've been getting more and more depressed lately. I don't really know how to fix it anymore either... Nothing I do works. At the moment, I have a rubber band around my wrist in case I start trying to find something sharp... I just don't know how to be happy anymore... I don't think it's homesickness, though. No, it's much more serious than just that... I've been wanting to hurt myself a lot recently... I haven't been eating right or at all... I just want to stay in bed for a few years or so...

5th September 2014, 8.10pm

My depression is getting worse again. All I want to do is hide away in my room and cut... I feel so lost here. I feel like no one wants to talk to me just because I'm new... I hate it... It doesn't help that I have social anxiety....

2nd September 2014, 1.31pm

I'm just super bored today. I had one class at 8am and that finished up by 9.15am. I went to lunch with two of my friends. Now I'm just waiting for the anime club meeting to start at 6pm....

1st September 2014, 1.29pm

Today's been a pretty good day. Classes start tomorrow. I only have my math class at 8am tomorrow then I have my Anime and Manga club meeting around 6pm. It should be plenty of fun. I just miss my boyfriend Zach. I got really depressed the other night and actually ended up getting pretty drunk at a party. I can't wait until I can see him again. I miss him so much....

27th August 2014, 10.09pm

Today was just bad... I got really depressed and I'm stressed and sore and just want to sleep for the rest of my natural life.... Didn't help that the sectional for clarinets went the way it did...

25th August 2014, 11.14pm

I'm miserable. It's hot, I'm sore, I haven't made any new friends, and I'm sick. I just want to lay in bed all day. I don't want to interact with people. I can't tell if this is due to my depression or not...

24th August 2014, 5.39pm

So I may or may not have gotten heat exhaustion today because of the heat mixed with practice. I really can't eat and when I try, I get sick. I can't tell if I'm running a temperature or not. Today was supposed to be the hottest day of band camp and I hope to god that's true. It was far too hot out for me today. I like cooler weather. I got burnt on my face, but my arms and legs just got tan. My arms are two different shades. Same goes for my legs. It kinda sucks, but whatever. I'm kind of excited for this upcoming practice since it will be sectionals rather than the entire group. I like the other clarinets well enough.

23rd August 2014, 7.08am

Yesterday was my first day of college. Today I have three band practices. I've gotten most of my stuff organized and out of the boxes. It's kind of weird not being home this morning, but I'll get used to it. My roommate comes in 5 days so hopefully all my stuff is off her side by then!! I wasn't sure about this yesterday, but I'm feeling a lot better about everything the longer I'm up and moving. My dad dropped me off yesterday and helped me unpack. Today, my mum is coming up to bring things that I'd forgotten while packing. I'm hoping to have all the boxes gone today. She said she was willing to take them. My second band practice of my college career starts at 9.00am, but there is a breakfast at 8.15am. I'm so happy to be away from home...

20th August 2014, 11.57pm

Apparently I haven't cut in a month and four days. Who knew? Definitely not me. I've actually been doing fairly well lately besides the rushing around, trying to get ready for college... I leave on Friday.... I'll admit, I'm terrified to be on my own, but I think I'll handle it well. I really can't wait to get out of this house, that's for sure. I haven't pulled my hair in a couple of days now. The hair is even beginning to grow back. Maybe I am getting better on my own.

My friend that committed himself into a psychiatric ward got out after a few days and has been doing better ever since. He and I are actually back together (we had dated for a short period in 2013). I think being with him has really helped with my recovery. He's been so supportive and caring... I adore him. I know I say that about every guy I've been with, but he's different. He's always been the one that got away and now I have him again and I just can't believe it. I never thought I'd get another chance with him. Maybe my life is beginning to fall into place finally. I don't know how much I'll be able to write while in college, but I will definitely try to at least do a weekly update (besides exam time).

6th August 2014, 10.31am

Today, we put our eldest dog, Daisy, to sleep. I'm still sobbing over it. We have had her since I was just 4 years old. She had been there for me through everything. I'm going to miss her so much. I can already tell our other dog, Taco, misses her just as much as we do...

1st August 2014, 7.51pm

I've taken to pulling out my hair. And not just a strand or two. I mean clumps of hair. My scalp has been bleeding because of it, but I can't seem to stop.

In other news, we are putting down my older dog Daisy this coming Wednesday at 10.00am. I don't want to, but I know she's in a lot of pain....

24th July 2014, 8.03pm

A dear friend of mine has decided to go into a mental health facility. He has yet to tell any other friend or his family. I worry about him doing this as I am not familiar with the rules for adult wards. I’m proud of him for being able to admit he needs help and even prouder that he is taking the initiative to go in by himself and become a patient.

23 July 2014, 7.35am

Last night was really bad... I tried to kill myself.... I tried overdosing, but I ended up puking everything up around 3am....I wish I would just die already....

20th July 2014, 7.56pm

I don't know if I want to recover from this anymore. I just want to hurt ALL the time.... It doesn't matter what sort of day I'm having... I've already relapsed so why stop again? I'm obviously not strong enough to do this....

18 July 2014, 5.48pm

I cut two nights ago. I hate myself for it, but I do feel better because of it. I picked up a pack of cigarettes last night. I had two yesterday. I broke two of my rules about smoking last night. 1) Don't smoke more than one a day and 2) don't smoke in front of kids.

9th July 2014, 10.07am

It has been 5 days since my friend ran away from home. The last time anyone has heard from her was the 6th. From what I understand, she is headed to Anchorage, Alaska.

In other news, I now weigh only 184lbs! I'm also almost 5 months without cutting.

6th July 2014, 11.15pm

I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately. A lot of things from my past have been coming up and causing incredible amounts of stress in my life. I just don't really know what to do. I don't even think I care whether or not I can stay on this path to recovery. It's so much work faking this damned smile all the time. I hate it. I don't want to pretend anymore. I just want someone to care for even just a minute or two.... It'd be so nice....

26th June 2014, 10.52am

Yesterday marked 4 months of no cutting. It felt pretty good actually. I don't really know what to talk about. David has been trying to talk to me lately. I don't mind I guess since he's been nice. Unfortunately, he wants to meet up with in the next month or two. I really don't want to, but I know I should....

24th June 2014, 7.22am

These past couple of days have been incredibly stressful due to the fact that my ex David has been texting and calling me. Usually it's about wanting to get back together, but sometimes it's just him screaming at me some more about how awful I am... Great, right? Anyways, he's apparently coming up either in July or August. He wants to see me whereas I want nothing to do with him. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to get the cops involved, but it's looking like that might be my only choice....

22nd June 2014, 11.20am

I wrote this for my boyfriend to try and explain how I became me.

I keep thinking of how to start this and I think the beginning is the best place to start. Don’t get me wrong on any of this, I’m thankful for what I have and all that I’ve made it through but at the same time I know that I have been a bit spoiled for most of my life. There are always going to be people who have it worse, but there are always people who have it much better.

I guess the beginning would mean my first real memory, huh? The very first thing I can remember in my life is the first night after my dad moved out. That was back in September of 2004. I’ve always been a huge daddy’s girl and I remember my mum setting the table for dinner. I was waiting for him to come home and she just looked at me and told me he wasn’t coming home anymore. I can still remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach. After that, everything goes black for about three years. That’s the year I started middle school. I remember the feeling of being completely terrified because I had really only made two friends in elementary school. Sixth grade was probably the best of those three years because I was still innocent. I didn’t know how terrible the world really is or was. Anyways, I kind of bloomed that year and made a lot of great friends that I’m still friends with to this day. 2008 is the year everything started getting bad. I started getting seriously interested in guys and I had my first “boyfriend” (if you can consider him that). I became obsessed with stories of cutters and attempted suicides. The boy and I broke up after roughly 6 months I believe and that’s when I first tried cutting. I just wanted to see if it really felt as good as was described by those online and I realized how right they were. That summer I was pretty good about not doing it unless I was really upset which started to become more and more frequent. During that summer, I limited my food intake because I had been bullied most of 7^th grade. My mum attributed my weight to the fact that I was always running around. It was perfect and I got away with hardly eating until the middle of my 8^th grade year. By that point, I was at 122.2lbs and I didn’t want to stop but one of my teachers noticed that I really didn’t eat much if at all during the lunch hour. At this time, I was dating another boy. It was hard for me to eat because of all the little comments he made while I did eat and because I was still being bullied. I would come home crying almost every day because I felt like the world was against me. That’s when my cutting really got out of hand. I was always in jeans and long sleeves to cover whatever damage I had inflicted upon myself the night before. In the summer of 2011, I lost my virginity at the age of 13 and first tried to kill myself.

Freshman year started and I thought everything was going to get better. I started getting my cutting a bit more under control. That is until the bullying started again. I had days where my entire stomach was covered in cuts from the night before. I met a really sweet senior guy who took me under his wing and showed me this new world. I was in Track and Field. I thought everything was better. That’s when the hardes part of my story happened. I had recently been talking to a stoner that was a year older. He constantly texted me and kept asking to fuck me. One night during spring break, I was at a park after dark just chilling. He knew I liked to hang out there. He found me there, lying on the ground. I had my eyes closed and didn’t know he was there. He pinned my arms above my head and raped me. I cried and begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t. I found a piece of glass on the ground and started cutting my arm with it just to try and ignore the pain he was causing… I don’t know why I didn’t scream for help. I was just too scared. Once he was done, he walked me home. He continued to text me for the next couple days telling me how good it felt, how he wanted to do it again, asking me if I liked it. I couldn’t take it. I texted my wife telling her how sorry I was that I couldn’t be stronger and then I hung myself. She came over and got me down. I cried and cried in her arms. We went back to school after spring break like nothing had ever happened. My French teacher over heard me talking to one of my friends about what had happened. That’s how I got sent to the Aurora Mental Health Facility down in Milwaukee for a week. I met some amazing people there, but the councilers continually blamed me for what happened. They’d say things like “it was what you were wearing” and “you shouldn’t have lead him on”. I made them think I was better after a week. I never took the medication they tried to shove down my throat. I became better at hiding everything. I still cut all the time. I tried to kill myself about 3-4 more times before someone threatened to get me sent back. I’ve been trying to recover for almost three years now.

Last year I met David. I thought he was perfect and amazing and wonderful and, honestly, I thought he was the one. Everything was fine for the first few months and then we began to get hotel rooms when he would come up so we could spend the night together. That’s when it all started getting worse again. He liked everything rough. He’d pin me down no matter how much I begged and pleaded him not to. He’d claw me so hard it bled. He’d hit me if he ever saw new cuts. He’d knee me in the jaw if I wasn’t doing a good enough job down there.He’d make me feel horrible about my weight telling me that if I ever gained another pound, he’d dump my ass so fast. He’d pull my hair if he thought I wasn’t listening. He’d tell me he didn’t date girls with short hair every time I talked of cutting my hair. He’d tell me how ugly my hair colour was and that I should go bleach blonde. He almost roundhouse kicked me in the face. The only thing that stopped him is my wife was there. Once he got the leash, it got even worse. At the con, all he would do was pull me around and grope me until I finally called him out on it. As I was crying, he told me to stop making a fucking scene and to quit crying like a little baby. He then kissed me on the forehead and sent me back to my hotel room. The next day he acted as if nothing had happened and when I tried to bring it up, he began to scream at me in front of everyone. He used me for sex and I really don’t think he has a soul.

And that’s where you come in. I’m sorry this is so long, but I feel like I’m leaving so many things out to begin with. I hope you can still love me with all of this bullshit. No matter what, I will always love you.

21st June 2014, 10.18am

Last night, things fell apart in my mind. I wanted to cut even though tomorrow marks 17 weeks of not cutting. I was desperate and searched in the basement for anything that I could use to cut that wasn't rusty. I couldn't find anything... I remember curling up in bed, crying and pulling my hair. When I awoke this morning, I found chunks of my hair on the floor.... I feel like I should tell Sean, but I'm terrified that he won't believe me... I don't know what to do anymore...

19th June 2014, 4.25pm

We made it home okay. I'm just super tired now. I want to sleep and never eat again. I feel so fat because of how much I ate, but I did do a lot of walking... Does that balance it out? Maybe... Probably not actually.... Fuck I'm a fat ass....

18th June 2014, 12.54pm

I'm doing really good. I haven't cut in over 16 weeks. I haven't seen anyone from school since graduation. I really miss my friends. I mean, I've talked to them but I haven't actually seen them.

5th June 2014, 8.04am

Today is my last day of high school. Graduation is on Sunday and I am kind of scared.

Today also marks Sean and my one month. He is just amazing (and I know I said that about David, but Sean's different). I get to see him on Saturday for my graduation party at my dad's house. I also convinced him to come out to Relay for Life with me (you people should look me up and donate to me).

https://secure.acsevents.org/site/Donation2?idb=373002179&1011309.donation=form1&df_id=1011309&FR_ID=59965&PROXY_ID=36978216&PROXY_TYPE=20

You can donate to me there. Every little bit helps!! Love you guys! <3

4th June 2014, 9.08am

Today I am officially 100 self harm free. I'm actually really proud of that. I have been tempted many nights and I've still made it to this day. I finished all of my exams so for the next two days it's just parties and movies. I work tonight (which I'm not excited about at all). At least it's a short shift. Only 3 hours.There's not much on my mind right now besides graduation. My oma comes out tomorrow... I really don't like her. She's a racist, chain-smoking bitch. I hate it!

2nd June 2014, 10.23am

I  can't believe I am down to the last 6 days before graduation. I'm so excited!! I'ts amazing to think that after this week, I will be a high school graduate. I know to you it's not a big deal, but I never thought I'd even live to be 16. I haven't cut in 14 weeks or 98 days. I'm so happy about how good I'm doing.

30th May 2014, 8.47am

I AM FUCKING DONE! Everyone is fighting with someone and I just get fucking yelled at for trying to help. I'm already depressed and don't fucking need it! Do you people not understand how much your fighting hurts all of your other friends too? Are you all too immature to just let it go??

GROW UP ALREADY!!

We graduate next fucking week, guys. I'm just done with all of this. Come find me when it's over because I'm just not getting involved anymore. I don't want to hear from any of you until you guys fucking figure it out. Bye.

29th May 2014, 8.51am

So this is my tattoo. It's on my left shoulder blade. It's a compass and the letters are LOST. LOST is a class I've been teaching at my camp for 5 years. It stands for Learning Outdoor Skills Together. I am the main instructor for that part of camp and do mostly compass work with all of the age groups that I see. This is my last year to do this camp and be able to be a teacher, so I wanted to get this to commemorate that. I've been going to this camp for almost 13 years now and it has been what keeps me from cutting for at least a week during each summer because I have a lot of younger kids look up to me while I am there. I wouldn't have some of the friends I have today if it hadn't been for this camp.

2.19pm

So the other blog I'm doing isn't real. It is for my AP Psychology class. Just a heads up. And it will probably get deleted at the end of school. I'm open to any ideas or if I am portraying something wrong, please feel free to correct me.

28th May 2014, 12.20pm

I GET MY TATTOO TODAY!!!!! I'm super excited!!!! I promise to post a picture later but AHHH!! My heart is racing, because I really want to get it RIGHT NOW!

27th May 2014, 12.21pm

I feel lost. My stomach is begging for food, but I feel as though I can't keep anything down. This weekend was too long and there were far too many tears shed over people who don't matter.

23rd May 2014, 11.07am

We are outside again today for my AP literature class. There are a few kids just doing cartwheels. It's kind of funny to watch since some of them really suck at it. It's so nice out today. I wish I didn't have to go to work later, but whatever. I seriously love the people in this class. They are so funny and kind. I love the chemistry in this class. This is the only class that really has this kind of attitude towards all of the participants. Everyone just gets along so well.

11.25am

We went outside for my AP literature and composition class. It isn't as warm as it has been this year, but it's still nice out. I like this. We are done with our project so we are just laying in the grass doing whatever we want. I really like this. I love going outside for classes. I'm just laying in the grass in shorts and a tank top. I even took off my shoes. I just have youtube going in the background. I love it! This has literally been the highlight of my day so far!! I adore the outdoors, I really do.

22nd May 2014, 8.36am

I'm having a lot of trouble with just accepting myself lately... I've convinced a few of my friends that I'm sick which makes today a lot easier. I don't have to talk much if at all. I like that... It's just one of those days where the abyss of depression has swallowed me whole and I don't know why I bother anymore. I broke down crying last night and tried to text my best friend Shyelynn but instead texted David who I have as Shithead in my phone just so I know it's him. They look the same through blurry eyes... All he said was that it wasn't Shye. I just didn't even answer... I tried again but she was asleep... I ended up crying my eyes out will holding a blade until I finally passed out. I feel like I'm losing all control that I had finally gained over all of this bullshit. Guess not....

I mean, I am actually sick, but my friends believe that it's my throat when really it's my stomach. It's been in knots for a good 2 days... I hate it... I hate life at this point.... Too bad my sister's home now... Makes it a lot harder to plan a suicide.

On a happier note, I got my graduation tickets today. We only have 9 days of classes left and I am totally okay with that. I'm ready to be done with high school. I can't believe that this is my last full week of high school ever, though.

12.26pm

Today's been pretty good actually. I have a band concert tonight. I'm kind of glad that Sean doesn't know about this blog. I think it would hurt him to see how much I've been hurting. I worry about him knowing more about me.... I dowbt that he would still want to be with me if he knew everything....

8.49am

I just made my other account on admin on here, too. The name that will be posting is Alive. I plan on adding a picture for that account, too. There's a lot of things I need to get done before graduation....

21st May 2014, 8.26am

I don't really know what to talk about anymore... My life has kind of hit this plateau of sameness. I haven't cut in just over 12 weeks. I guess that's good, but I still want to. Sean and I are doing fine, but David's been calling me and texting me again. I just wish he'd leave me alone.... I don't know if I'm going to continue blogging after I graduate on the 8th. I mean, I'll have my own laptop then rather than the school's but I still have to figure out how to let my other account take over.... It hasn't been working.... And this account gets shut down a few days after graduation. It's a pretty big concern for me....

19th May 2014, 10.38am

I just feel ugly and fat today. I don't know if I am going to eat lunch much less dinner....

14th May 2014, 8.35am

Today's a half day. I also work tonight, but I'm thinking of calling in sick because I really need sleep.... My head is pounding since I haven't been sleeping much, if at all, at night.

Tomorrow, my friend and I want to do senior skip day. Since we are both 18, we were thinking of going to a casino and playing bingo. I just hope my mum will be willing to call me in.

10.13am

I feel like I don't have any friends anymore. I feel like I'm just a ride or someone they can complain to. I hate it.

13th May 2014, 8.29am

I am surrounded by IDIOTS. I hate my literary visions class because it is full of redneck assholes and bitches. I like maybe three people in this entire class. I want today to go by quickly. I just feel like sleeping. I don't really have much to talk about, I'm just super bored. I've finished everything for this class besides one assignment. I just don't know what to write about. I was thinking about doing something really personal just to fuck with her, but I'm not sure.

8.51am

Just finished. I think it looks good but yeah....

12th May 2014, 8.22am

Literary Visions is the worst class. We have to write a six word memoir. I came up with a few but I think I'm going to use "Been there, done that. Never again." I just like the way it sounds. I'll post the little picture later. I think it looks cool but that's just me.

7th May 2014, 10.48am

That scary moment in class where you can smell gas and the room you are in is connected to the boiler room.

2.13pm

I can't keep my mind off of David. I haven't heard from him in two days. I'm worried, but I know my best friend still talks to him which eases my mind a tad. I don't think I'm ever going to stop worrying about him... I mean, we were together for over nine months. What's a girl to do?

I think Sean asked me out last night. I really don't know though. I'm still confused about all of that... I'll ask him after I get off work tonight, I guess. I have work from 4-8pm tonight. I really hate work. I just want to sleep. I'm still planning on calling in sick on Friday because I just really don't want to have to deal with them. My brain is mush from yesterday's exam still.

I saw Zach again last night. It was the first time in over a year that we've seen each other in person. It was kind of nice. He really hasn't changed much besides the piercings. He has a girlfriend. Her name is Mary. He isn't happy with her though. He wants to have options again, but she is literally head over heels for him and he doesn't want to break her heart. I have given him advice and he's shot it down every time so I've kind of given up on that one. I'm really tired....

6th May 2014, 8.56am

No. Just fucking no. I don't want to be around anymore, but I don't want to kill myself. I see only one solution. Run away. Get the fuck out of this god forsaken town and just keep going.

5th May 2014, 10.14am

Today, I have my AP psychology exam to try and earn some college credits. I feel like I'm going to fail miserably. On Thursday, I take my AP literature and composition exam. I'm not as worried about that one. English is easy for me.

On Friday (2nd May), I left my abusive relationship with David. He has tried to get back together with me, but I have denied him every time. I don't want to hurt anymore. As of yesterday, it seems like he has accepted it. We do still talk, but I don't really want to at this point.

There is another guy, but I've already told him that I need some time to move on. He understands completely and thinks it's for the best if we wait. His name is Sean. He lives in Menomonee Falls and lives just down the road from my father. I really like him. He is terribly sweet and caring and loving and affectionate. He doesn't want sex really he just wants to cuddle with me and hold me in his arms. I really like that about him. He has this unique quirkiness to him and it fascinates me. He is so caring and sweet. I know I already said that, but still. He also is into the whole Neko thing, which is nice because I really want to be able to wear my ears more once I receive my tail in the mail (I ordered it 1st May). He isn't the best looking, but I don't really care. He's adorable in his own ways. He's so cuddly and affectionate.

I can't believe I only have 3 more days until my 18th birthday. I don't feel like I'm any older than say my freshman year of high school. It's strange to think that I will be going into college this coming fall. It's hard to wrap my head around that. Haha!

30th April 2014, 8.42am

Yesterday was a long day and today feels like it's going to be the same. I have work until 9pm tonight, but they will probably ask me to stay late. I mean, I don't mind the money but I need time for homework too. I know, I know. I could be doing homework right now. I just... I can't really get myself to do anything lately. I'm just so tired... Unfortunately, this computer doesn't have a slot for SD cards. If it did, I would post a picture of the Eiffel Tower.... I'm just so tired... I just want to sleep...

29th April 2014, 10.20am

At this point, I am getting ready for graduation and ANIME MIDWEST!! I want to be able to do Jeff the Killer by then (which shouldn't be terribly hard). All I need to do is buy the hoodie and attack it with red paint. :)

I'm so excited about all of this! I just wish that Ponyville Ciderfest was sooner... :( I'll be in college when it happens...

28th April 2014, 10.06am

So, I'm back! France was so nice, but I didn't get to see any of my friends from other exchanges. Kind of sucked, but still had an amazing time. Maybe I will post pictures this week. I don't know...

In other news, today I am 10 weeks without cutting. It's kind of amazing to think about.

11th April 2014, 9.00am

Two hours before I leave for the airport! I'm super excited but I won't be able to post until I get home and even then I may be too tired to!

Still Waiting

I am tired from running around all day with my friends. As I jump up and down like the little bunny I am, I excitedly tell my mommy how we learned cursive that day in class. The house is filled with the smell of parmesan chicken. I bounce up and down by the door, waiting for my daddy to come home so we can eat and play together. He normally strides through the door around 6 o’clock. Mommy’s setting the table for dinner and I notice she forgets daddy’s plate and silverware. I hurry to the cabinet and climb onto the countertop as I playfully scold mama for forgetting daddy. She just stares at me, her eyes about ready to burst with tears. I kind of look at her with my head tilted like a kitten and innocently ask her what’s wrong. All she utters is “He’s not coming, honey.” I begin to choke up with tears as my screams echo through the house. “He’s coming back! He loves us!” Mommy holds me close to her as we both sob and she whispers to me that of course he loves me and my sister. She whimpered about how his love for his children would never change. We sit together on the dirty kitchen floor until dinner is cold and the moon is high in the sky.

10th April 2014, 10.05am

THERE'S ONLY 25 HOURS LEFT UNTIL I LEAVE FOR FRANCE! I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED!

7th April 2014, 8.25am

So this weekend was interesting to say the least. I left my fiance on Thursday. He came to see me Friday and we ended up getting back together. Then I saw him again on Saturday and he decided to leave me. Not even two hours later we were back together again. We both agreed that we are just super stressed out. Me because of the France trip and work and him because of work and personal reason that I'm not allowed to state. So on Sunday, we decided to celebrate our 9 month as if we had never broken up. It was wonderful. We went to Willow Brook (one of the parks in my town) and my friend took pictures of him and I playing in the river together. Then when my friend had to go to work, we went to Wood Lawn (another park) and played on this merry-go-round like thing. This little girl (around the age of two or three) came along and wanted to play with us. So we spun her and laughed with her. She was adorable in all honesty. After she ran off, we talked about what kind of parents we would be. Just thinking about that sort of thing makes me want to cry. I have known I wanted to have kids since I was about five years old. After that, we went to the store since we were both hungry then he dropped me off at home so I could get ready for work. Then, after I got off of work, we sat around McDonald's for a half hour just talking and laughing then we went to the store since I needed to get some things. It was perfect. He walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye. I know a few of my friends are mad at me that I'm back with him since I was in tears over all of this on Thursday, but he really does make me happy. Besides, it's my decision and not theirs. I understand that they care and worry about me, but I'm so happy with him. Isn't that enough? I think it should be...

In other words, I have four days left until I leave the country!!! I'm super excited about this trip.It's going to suck not being able to talk to anyone, though. At least my mum will be able to keep everyone posted about my well-being. I leave on Friday around 11am for the airport down in Chicago, IL. Our plane takes off around 3pm that same afternoon. We have an hour layover in Dublin, Ireland. Then we are on our way to France! I can't wait to meet my host family. I hope my French isn't too terrible!!

1st April 2014, 12.48pm

Today there is only one thing that I can think about. I keep thinking about how it would feel to have the rope around my neck. To step off the edge of a chair. To have the rope tighten. To not be touching the ground. To not be breathing... To be dead. I want that right now. I want it so bad that I've cancelled all plans for today after school. I honestly can't wait. I've been trying to get people to stop caring and it's worked to some extent. I can't wait to feel free. My mum won't even be home until about 10pm tonight. It's fucking perfect! She'll think I went to bed and in reality, my dead lifeless body will be hanging in the basement.... I can't wait...

31st March 2014, 8.48am

So I dyed my hair this weekend, but I need to redo the tips because well... They came out more caramel then black ahaha. Oh well! I can't believe I only have ten days until I leave for France! My stomach is churning because I'm so excited and yet so scared! I just wish I had an mp3 player, but I lost mine. Maybe I could buy one off a friend. Hmmm. haha.

Far Too Late

As she just laid in the middle of her bedroom floor, the thought popped into her mind. Not one of boys or clothes. No. She thought of nooses and different poisons and how to properly overdose. She thought of how little people would care and how easy it would be to just end it all. She had decided to do it that night. She decided to cut her arms and stomach before she hanged herself. She cut her stomach and as the blood ran down her legs, she cut her arms vertically as she had been taught on all those how-to sites. As she began to lose consciousness, she stepped up onto the stool and faced the pre-tied noose. She slipped her head through the hole; she blacked out and fell forward. The knot tightened as she fell off the stool. It took a few hours for her to die since she hadn't broken her neck. Her younger brother found her hanging, swinging in the basement. He sat there and cried in a pool of her blood as he clung to her dangling legs. The police went through her computer's internet history and found tens of hundreds of how-to sites. How to: tie a noose, cut yourself, hide self harm scars, etc. That's when they realized how blind they had been. That's when they saw how broken she was. That's when they knew she had needed help but they'd ignored her pleads to be noticed, to be cared about. That's when they knew it had been too late to save their little girl....

27th March 2014, 10.16am

Today I am just tired. I was having a bad day, but then I went to my AP statistics class and my day got a bit better. Now it's getting worse again. I don't really know what to talk about right now. I'm just trying not to cry again...

Newest story I wrote...

 “Come here sweet child. I heard you were having a bad day. I can fix that. Just take this. You know what to do with it.”

“I… I can’t take this… I may be having a bad day, but I don’t need to bleed to be okay. I’m better now. Please just go away…”

“You know you need me and the pain. We make you normal. We make it so you can live. Do you not want that cuz I know someone who can help with that.”

“No! I want to live… I want to be normal, but… Hurting myself doesn’t make me normal.”

“Yes it does. You can’t function without us. You need us. Stop pretending you don’t you fucking bitch.”

“I… I don’t need you, though… I’ve been doing so much better without you guys. Stop… Please just leave me alone.”
“You know you miss it. The rush, the adrenaline pumping through your veins. You miss your little secrets. Hell, you even miss hiding the fucking evidence. Just admit it already.”

“N-No! I don’t m-miss it whatsoever… Why won’t you just leave me alone??”

“You fucking need us! Don’t try and get rid of us you fucking pussy! You know you want to slice open your fucking veins! Remember, down the road. Not across the street. Not unless you just want attention. Is that what you want?!?”

“N… No… Please ju—“

“Shut up! Let your blood free! You’re fucking useless anyways! You should just kill yourself! Go fucking die!”

“P-Please stop. Go aw—“

“Come on you coward! Hang yourself! Everyone fucking hates you anyways! Just do it you fucking pussy!”

“I’m beggi—“

“I said shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fucking hell up!! No one cares what you have to say! No one cares about you! No one would even notice if you fucking died! Stop your fucking crying! You’re making a god damn scene!”

“I’m sorry….”

“You better fucking be! Are you going to listen to me now? I’m the only one that cares about you, ya know. I know what’s best for you… It’s okay, sweetie. Smile. I can make it all better.”

“O-Okay. I trust you…”

“Good. Now, are you ready? I want you to follow my lead, child. Let me help you. Let me show you how to do it.”

“Okay…”

“That’s it… Be careful now. We don’t want you to bleed out before we get the rope…”

“Yessum…”

“You remember how to tie the knot, right?”

“Y… Yeah…”

“Good. Good. Come now. Make sure you’ll have enough room to drop. Don’t want to be able to stand, do we? Too many times have you escaped my grasp…”

“I know… I’m sorry… It won’t happen again… I promise…”

“There, there child. It will all be okay. I’ll hold you until it’s over.”

“Okay… Thank you… Should I leave a note…?”

“No. They don’t deserve an answer!”

“But… What about h—“

“As if he ever gave two shits about you! Let the bastard rot in fucking hell for all I care! Hurry it up! Someone’s coming!!!”

“Oh… Okay…”

*there’s a muffled thud as the chair falls back*

“Hush now, quiet now. It’s time to go to bed… Hush now, quiet now. Lay down your sleepy head… There, there child… It’s all over now… No one will ever hurt you again…”

26th March 2014, 10.32am

Lately, I've been reading creepypasta stories. I've become obsessed with Laughing Jack and Jeff the Killer. Last night I even did Jeff's makeup. It looked pretty good, too! I walked around town with it on and got a lot of weird looks but it made me happy so I don't give a fuck.

Sorry that it's sideways, but I don't feel like trying to fix it right now. That's too much work at the moment. I was so happy with how it came out!!! Hopefully I will be dying my hair either Saturday or Sunday this week. I'll be dying it black and then I have to wait to get my hair cut, but it will be amazing and perfect. I'm so excited about all of this!!!

25th March 2014, 10.19am

I don't have my car for the rest of the week. Excuse me not MY car, my sister's car. I got screamed and yelled at the entire way to school because my mother had to get up early to give me a ride to school. I ended up crying at school. I hate crying in the first place, but crying in public is the worst. I hate it. My mother yelled at me telling me how ungrateful I am and how I'm just a brat. I'd like to think I'm not, but I realize my opinion doesn't fucking matter.

When my sister is home, it's as if I don't exist unless I do something wrong. It doesn't matter if my sister was the problem, it's always my fault. No matter what is happening, I get yelled at. If I'm not getting yelled at, I don't exist to my mother. I literally went to bed at 8.30pm last night because no one even realized I was home. They were asking where I was when I was standing right next to them. I'm invisible. I hope this keeps up so I can get away with smoking a bit after school today. I don't want to deal with them today. Luckily, my mum will be out until around 9.30pm and my sister is in Chicago, IL visiting a friend.

Yesterday was my four week mark and today is the one month mark. Pretty great, right? WRONG! I'm super stressed and have been shaking periodically because I'm so addicted to the pain.

24th March 2014, 8.45am

Today marks four weeks of no cutting. It's kind of a bittersweet moment in all honesty. I miss the feeling, but I don't miss hiding. I have quite a few people that have stood by my side this entire time and others who only want to be with me when I am happy and that pisses me off. I just want people who care.

22nd March 2014, 6.56pm

I have just been chilling so much just today. It's actually really nice. I missed sleeping in on Saturday mornings.... I just want to sleep, though. I just want to cuddle with my fiance. I just want to smoke and sleep. That sounds so perfect, doesn't it?

This is why I shouldn't get bored.....

Hush little baby, don’t say a word. Mama’s gonna buy you a mocking bird….

“There, there sweet child. Everything’s okay, I promise. Mama’s here now and nothing will ever hurt you…. Mommy’s going to protect you forever. You’re mommy’s sweet little angel sent from heaven just for me. I can’t wait to see you grow up and watch you become a beautiful young woman. Mama wants to watch her angel float down the aisle towards her one true love.”

“Who are you talking to? That thing doesn’t understand what you’re saying. You are a monster for having that… that THING!”

“Quiet… You’re going to wake the baby…! I just got her to sleep…”

“I don’t think she’ll be waking up any time soon. You used to be so innocent… That is until that thing came into your life. You became a monster the day it was conceived. Just give up already. You are a worthless, good for nothing monster.”

“Stop it…. Stop it right now! I am NOT a monster! She’s mommy’s little angel…. Why can’t you just leave us be…??”

“That child deserved better than you. That child was a demon. That child should never have been given life. That child was conceived under an oath with the Devil himself. What you’ve done to that child is so incredibly selfish. That child would have been better off never even being thought of in the first place.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! You don’t understand how much this child means to me! I hate what has happened but I can’t fix it! I just can’t!!”

“Oh quit your crying. That won’t fix anything you fucking moron. That child is gone! Get over it for fuck sake! You need to clean this mess up before that man gets home. Don’t want him to beat ya. That’s my job.”

“Y-you’re right…. I need to clean up… He’ll hit me if he sees this mess… What have I done….?”

“You’ve done nothing. I’m the one who did it but you’ll still get sent to prison. Maybe they will even kill you. I mean, what you’ve done IS murder. You killed that child. Thank fucking god…”

“Stop it! Just stop it! I didn’t murder my baby! I love her! Please just leave me alone…. I need to clean this mess up before he gets home… He hates when the house isn’t tidy…”

“He’ll notice something’s wrong. Just fucking tell him. Maybe instead of calling the cops, he’ll kill you himself. An eye for an eye sorta thing. Seems fair, right?”

“Please…. Just stop… I can’t handle this right now…”

“Make me you fucking worthless whore. That child is dead because of you!”

“You’re… You’re right… I have to be there for my baby… I have to go be with her… I’m so sorry…”

“Hey… HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! PUT THAT DOWN! YOU CAN’T JUST FUCKING DO THIS! WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT YOU?!? I NEED YOU MORE THAN—“

*the gun goes off and then there is silence*

11.09am

I'm so obsessed at this point that even pictures and videos of newborns crying warm my heart.

I find that ADORABLE! I don't know what to do. I haven't been this obsessed with something in a LONG time now. I just want a child to call my own. One that I can hold while they cry and comfort them and tell them that everything's going to be okay and how much mommy loves them. I want that.... I want to be able to hold this small being in my arms and just shower them with kisses and love... Is that too much to ask for...?

10.25am

I feel as though I'm not really here right now. I feel as though I'm just an observer who isn't supposed to talk or interact with others. I am just supposed to observe and sit and listen and take notes on what I notice. I don't mind but it can be kind of boring.

Lately I've been obsessed with babies. I want one... I really want a child of my own. I would love to hold my own flesh and blood close to my heart as I sing to them....

21st March 2014, 8.22am

I have been doing okay. Just super tired. I just want to sleep. I will.... Tonight..

19th March 2014, 10.29am

I feel like I'm going crazy these past couple of days.... I just don't know what to do at this point because I just don't want to go back to the mental institution... Maybe I just need more sleep... I don't know...

On the other hand, I'm almost 4 weeks without cutting. That's going to be on the 24th. I'm kind of happy that I'm back on track with this. I really want to be cut free once I go off to college.... Could you imagine my roommate walking in on me cutting?! That would be terrible! I would feel so awful if that happened. That's why I want to quit before college starts up.... I have just over 6 months to quit.

18th March 2014, 10.32am

I thought about killing her last night. It would have been simple. Just take a bottle of sleeping pills and just sleep. It's truly that easy. She had to fucking ruin our plans though by fucking telling people. She's such a whiny bitch. Guess what whore, it's your own fault that we are in this fucking mess! I swear to god that I'm going to fucking slit the bitch's throat if she doesn't pipe down. For fuck sake!!! She keeps screaming for me to let her out. NOT THIS TIME! I'm finally the one in complete control and I am NOT going back!

The bitch who's been writing this blog isn't as innocent as you think. She has done horrible things and still is doing horrible things. I had to stop her. You understand, don't you? She's not going to be around much anymore. I'm calling the shots now and whatever I say, goes. Got it?

16th March 2014, 5.18pm

Yeah yeah. I know it's the weekend, but I wanted to write about it before I forgot.

My fiance came out this weekend. He wasn't supposed to come out until Saturday, but decided to come on Friday so we got to spend a lot of the weekend together which was amazing. He gave me my ring finally (which I somehow managed to lose already.....). I know I say a lot of bad things about him on here, but he really is a sweetheart... He holds me when I cry and cuddles with me and tells me how lucky he is to be with me. He can always manage to put a smile on my face and that's the important part, right? I really do think he's the one for me and even if he isn't, I don't want anyone else. He makes me happy. He makes me feel loved. He makes me feel protected. He makes me feel special. And I love him. For all of that. He means the world to me and I just wish he could see it too.

Anyways, on Friday and Saturday I got to hang out with him and cuddle with him until 11pm both nights. It was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I still have no idea how I'm supposed to tell my parents about him. Should I just tell them the truth? Or should I lie about how long we have been together? I just don't know which would be better. Sometimes I think I should tell them now, but then I remember the whole 6 year difference between the two of us..... I wish I could show him off... I really think my mum would like him (I'm not so sure about my dad, however).

14th March 2014, 10.17am

My mind is just racing today. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that I will be in France in just under a month now. I don't know how I should feel. I feel like I'm no where close to being ready. There's a lot I still need to finish up before I go....

I haven't cut in almost three weeks. I'm getting better I think but I want to cut right now so what does that say? I don't know I just don't know anymore.

I don't want to go to work today. It's a short shift though so it shouldn't be too terrible.

I just wanted to put this here. There is no rhyme or reason for this. Just wanted to.

13th March 2014, 10.08am

Scholarship frenzy!!!!!

11th March 2014, 10.04am

Last night was just a bad night. My fiance and I ended up fighting more. I'm done with this but I love him. I wonder if he actually loves me anymore though. He kept saying I'm abusive because I was asking for some freaking respect. I don't know how much longer I can take this.... I ended up crying to one of his friends last night. I kept saying I deserved all of these "punishments" that my fiance comes up with for me. That he was just making sure that I behaved myself... This morning I realized how crazy that really sounds. I just want to have a good relationship for once but it seems that I'm doomed to be hurt no matter who I'm with...

10th March 2014, 2.16pm

I'm done being everyone's bitch, but there is absolutely no way to get through life without kissing at least a few asses in the process unless I want to be a complete outcast. I have been on the brink of tears most of today and I still have to go to work later.... I thought about suicide for the first time in a while last night. I thought of just slicing open my wrists.... Just cutting a bit deeper than normal.... I thought of how it would feel to finally be out of all this chaos... I don't think I'd really be missing anything, though. I would just... Die. That's all it would be. It could be the end all, be all. I could simply end my life. There really isn't anything to stop me at this point anymore. I'm done being the one there for everyone then being the one left when in need myself. Life is so fucking pointless anyways.

6th March 2014, 8.41am

It seems that everyone is getting sick lately, including myself. I had to stay home yesterday because I had some sort of stomach flu and had been up at 2am that morning, puking my guts out for 5 hours straight. It was awful. At least I'm feeling better today. I missed two tests, however. My head is still pounding and I'd really like to just go home after school and sleep, but I can't. I have work from 3-7pm today. I'm not looking forward to this at all.

Besides being sick, nothing is new. I have solo/ensemble this Saturday, but it's not a big deal. I just hope my headache is gone by then!

28th February 2014, 10.13am

There really isn't much going on lately. I had pep band last night (the last one of my high school career). We went to Culver's afterwards as per usual. It was pretty awesome. I didn't end up getting home until about 10pm last night. I had a lot of fun. It was nice to get together with everyone one last time.

My mum bought me a new mouthpiece for my clarinet, too. It was kind of expensive.... It was 50$.... But dear lord does it make me sound awesome!

I really don't think there's much to say today. My fiance and I aren't fighting anymore. It's nice to have this peaceful period....

27th February 2014, 8.57am

My stomach hurts like all hell. I just want to go home right now. I don't want to have to hide my wrist until late tonight. I have pep band tonight too so that'll be interesting. Sorry about yesterday. I kind of regret writing all of that, but I refuse to delete it because I already published it and I have to stick to my guns. I think I just need some sleep.... I found this awesome Nightcore version of You're Gonna Go Far Kid. Here!

26th February 2014, 12.32pm

***Warning! Content below may be triggering***

I think I am finally ready to talk about some of my past with you guys, just... Don't freak out, okay? I mean my past isn't completely bad but there's a lot more bad than good. Fuck I don't even remember what I've told you guys already....

I guess it all started in the fall of 2004. I was in third grade and my parents had first split up (they got divorced the following spring). I had always been a big daddy's girl and still am. The divorce hit me pretty hard back then. In the fall of 2006, my father got remarried to my step mother. I was in fifth grade at that time and cried at the wedding because it meant that my parents were never going to get back together.

That next year I entered middle school and experienced bullying for the first time. I was called fat, ugly, etc. It really took it's toll on my self esteem. That same year, my first baby brother was born. In 2008, I entered seventh grade and the bullying got even worse. I was called a lesbian every day because I was willing to hug my friends. I was called fat because I ate when I was hungry. I was called ugly because I refused to wear dresses/skirts and make up. That's the year I start cutting. At first I only did it when I came home crying, but by the end of the school year I was cutting every day.  Throughout that summer I only wore jeans and sweatshirts because I figured out that I could cut anywhere on my body, not just my wrists. In eighth grade I was subjected to even more bullying. One of my friends ended up trying to kill herself. That was my first introduction to suicide. After that, I was hooked. I became obsessed with death and pain and suffering. I began to play the choking game by myself. Throughout that entire year I had been starving myself and my lowest weight was around 120 lbs. I loved it and I thought I looked beautiful that way. That year, I also had my first "long term" relationship. I was with this boy from October 9th, 2009 until April 2010. He didn't actually know about my cutting habits or the suicidal thoughts until we became freshman in high school.

I was still starving myself by the time I started my freshman year. I became kind of popular my freshman year with, what you could say, the "wrong crowd". A few seniors that I had met through my band class had become interested in me and who was I to turn them down? I hung out with them a lot and even got involved with one by the end of the year. BUT before getting involved with the senior boy, I was sexually assaulted during spring break that year. It was by a boy that I knew who is a year older than I. I don't feel like going into detail about it, but he stalked me for the next two years (until he graduated) and I ended up in a psych ward after the sexual assault because I had tried to kill myself about a week after he had done it. He wouldn't stop texting me and Facebooking me about how good it had felt for him and if it had felt that good for me. I couldn't take it anymore so I tried hanging myself, but my best friend came and got me down. She held me while I cried and told her everything. One of my teachers found out about my little stunt and I got sent to the counseling office with my mother. That's how I got sent to the psych ward. It was the worst week of my life because for an entire week I was told how it had been my fault and how I couldn't possibly be anorexic because I was still fat.

By the time I got back, I had lost friends and the boyfriend I had been with because I was "too crazy to deal with". I felt alone and I turned to burning, cutting, and smoking. I felt alone and I just wanted to feel better about myself. I quit smoking after about a year. I stopped burning after about three years, but I still cut. I still get bullied day in and day out. A lot of people don't see it, but it does happen. My relationships have all been abusive in some way or another. I have been physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused. I finally lost the name as the school slut after the guy who sexually assaulted me graduated and moved away (he had gone around bragging about how easy I was even though we didn't have sex).

So yeah. There's the majority of it. Sorry this took so long to write (I'm assuming it takes a while to read as well). I appreciate you reading this entire thing and I'm sorry for blogging about this....

EDIT

I didn't put EVERYTHING down. Just the absolute most important, but there's actually more (including another sexual assault).

10.16am

I'm just upset at this point. I just want to sleep, but I really need to pay attention right now. I still don't know what to name my Neko persona.... I wish I knew a good name. Maybe I could go onto one of those forums for furries and ask them for some help. Fuck if I know.

25th February 2014, 8.33am

Surprise, surprise.... My fiance and I got into another fight last night. I really don't want to talk about it at this point because I'd probably just end up crying again. I don't know if I can do this for an entire lifetime though. Maybe I should leave him. Maybe it would be for the best. I just want to have one more good night with him before I decide, but that's going to be hard. He isn't the man I fell in love with anymore. He is becoming more and more like his wrestling persona (in all honesty, I think he has a personality disorder but don't tell him that or he'll throw a hissy fit). This persona of his is horrible to me. Nero (the said persona) is abusive and manipulative and just out-right mean. Nero is the one that makes me cry. Nero is the one that makes me question whether I should be with my fiance or not. Nero is the only one that's mean to me. Even the one he calls BloodLust (the most violent and unstoppable of his personas) has fallen for me. He says that Nero likes me but I just can't see it. Nero is just an awful person and David needs to decide who is more important: me or Nero. I'm sick of having Nero come out while David's around me. I've decided to give David one more chance to suppress Nero or I'm gone. I can't handle this anymore. I fell in love with one man and ended up with about five or six guys. I feel bad saying that I'm willing to leave him, but I want to be able to raise kids with David. As long as Nero is around, I won't be able to do that. David says he loves me, but lately it's been hard to believe it because every time he says it, I can hear the undertones of Nero saying "He may love you, but he NEEDS me". That just terrifies me. I fear that he will end up choosing Nero over me. I mean, Nero has been around since David was at least five, maybe even younger. I just don't know what I'd do without David. He really does mean the world to me, but.... I just can't live in fear of Nero for the rest of my life. 

I really don't know why I've been highlighting his name. Maybe to prove to myself how much my world really does revolve around this issue. Maybe to make it easier to show how much hurt he brings unto me. Maybe it's all just for show. For all you, the reader, knows I'm just lying through my teeth and there really isn't a David nor a Nero nor a BloodLust. Perhaps I am just making all of this up so I don't feel as lonely while all of my friends are off with their significant other. Maybe I'm just as delusional as I think David is. For all I know, I made all of them up and I'm actually just sitting inside of a psych ward. Maybe I'm the one with the personality disorder. I just don't know anymore. I don't know who I am or who you are for that matter. I just know we exist in some sense. What sense you ask? Hell if I know. But something has to be real, right? I couldn't have possibly made all of this up. Some of this has to have some truth behind it. Maybe David's right. Maybe I really should be locked up (if I'm not already). I just want to know what to do and where to go. I just want to feel loved. Doesn't everybody? I think most people would like to think that they belong but in reality, no one belongs. We are all just these vessels that are here to carry others to their deaths. Why would we be here for any other reason? Perhaps it would be best if this vessel crashed and burned to the ground. Sounds quite lovely, no? I might just try.

"I wish that I could fly. Way up in the sky. Like a bird so high. Oh I might just try. Oh I might just try."
                                                               -"Bullet" by Hollywood Undead