31st October 2014, 5.32pm

Happy Halloween! I dressed up for class today and just got a lot of weird looks. Thanks for killing what little esteem I had... Now I'm just sitting in my room because there is absolutely nothing to do tonight... I won't get to see much of my family during this family weekend due to band. I'll literally get to see my dad and them for breakfast tomorrow and then a bit after the football game, but then they are leaving. Mum will be coming for the game tomorrow and the the band's Last Blast concert on Sunday but otherwise, I don't get a lot of time with anyone.... It really sucks. I wish I knew of a party happening tonight. I just want to get out one fucking Friday night. This is so stupid, but I'm almost in tears over this. I'm sick of being the weird girl. I really thought that would be left behind in high school. I guess not... Fuck... I started crying.... I'm going to go before I start bawling my eyes out....

30th October 2014, 9.49pm

So, my poor boo bear is sick today. He had to stay home from work because he was puking and all shakey... I wish I was there to take care of him like he took care of me... He's not perfect, but he's all I could ever ask for... He's my guardian angel and I absolutely love him. I really don't know what I'd do if he hadn't taken me back... I really don't think I could have faced the rejection... I think he is my one and only forever love and that makes me so happy....

27th October 2014, 10.37am

I had an absolutely amazing weekend! I just wish it didn't have to end. I got to spend two nights with my mama and spend three wonderful days with my boyfriend. I got to see two of my French friends and go to Six Flags for Fright Fest with them and an old friend. I got to finally cut my hair short and dye it red again. Yeah, coming back to college kind of depressed me but now I get to see everyone here again so it's not that bad anymore. I can't wait for this coming weekend. I just wish I could spend more time with my family for FAMILY weekend..

20th October 2014, 11.04am

I got a call from my hometown's county police department this morning... My friend tried to kill himself last night.... He's okay and is in the hospital... I just wish I had done more... He texted me and seemed off, but I didn't do anything about it... I should have called him...

19th October 2014, 10.14pm

I saw the man again while walking back to my dorm. There's a graveyard that I have to walk past in order to get to my dorm from where I was. He was sitting on a gravestone, whispering to me... He kept telling me to come play... I almost had a panic attack right there on the sidewalk.... I just stared at him as I walked past, trying not to cry.... I know he isn't really, but he scares the hell out of me... I'm just losing my god damn mind. I'm still freaking out and it happened over 20 minutes ago... The graveyard is just across the street... I can still hear him beckoning me to come play... Well guess what... I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING PLAY WITH YOU!!! ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS HURT ME! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?!?! I need to go.... I need to go somewhere else... Anywhere... I'm not safe here... I'd be safer on the streets than near this damned graveyard.... Maybe I should go for a walk tonight... Stay out until the sun comes up.... I just can't stand the pounding in my head that he's causing... I don't even know his name... I just want him GONE!!! Why can't I just be fucking normal?! Why do I have to be so fucked up in the head.... I need to go to sleep... Maybe that'll make him go away... Or at least get me to stop shaking....

18th October 2014, 10.07am

My newest fasting goal is 48 hours. This started at 2pm yesterday. So far I am at 20 hours. It feels so good to be hungry. I want to get up to a seven day fast or 168 hours. I wish I could do it faster.

17th October 2014, 1.15pm

I made it 26 hours without eating. My fasts are getting longer and that makes me really happy. :)

16th October 2014, 7.47pm

I don't know how I'm feeling about today.... I'm really sad but at the same time I'm worried about a couple of friends that need me to be okay so that I can make sure they are okay... Everything seems to be going in a downward spiral and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't want to eat.... I haven't eaten in about 9 hours now. By morning it'll be at least 22 hours. I highly doubt I'll eat much if at all tomorrow... My stomach gets upset any time I do eat... I've been getting these waves of dizziness lately too. They make me sway in my seat a bit and my vision to go blurry. I assume I should be worried, but I can't seem to make myself care. I'm kind of ready for all of this to be over... I don't feel like I matter to people anymore. I feel like they just act like I matter in order to keep me from offing myself for just a bit longer. I don't know how much longer I can hold on though....I don't think I even want to... I keep thinking that I could OD so easily and it's stopped scaring me... I don't think I'd be able to take enough pills, though. Maybe starving to death is an option... Your body can go three weeks without food before it begins to eat away at itself... I'm okay with that.... I just... I don't want to be here anymore... I want to just curl up in a ball and die... I do nothing of use anyways. I'm worthless and the world would be better off without me here... Maybe it is time to die...

5.22pm

Surprise, surprise... Zach and I are fighting again and guess who's fault it is... That's right, mine.... I fuck up so god damn much... He deserves so much better, but I don't want to give him up... I love him.. I need him in my life.. He's the only person I've ever found that actually understands me 100%. I know I'm a huge pain in the ass, but for some reason he sticks around.... I don't know if it's love or if we are just scared of being alone... Some days we are amazing and others, like today, I fuck shit up and blame him... I want to apologize right now, but we both need some time to cool off... I just want to curl up in bed and fall asleep, never to awake again... I hate hurting him so much... I don't mean to do it, it just happens... I feel like I can't control myself and I hate it... I need to be wrapped up in his arms... The distance is getting the better of me... I just need to know he's really there... I feel like I've lost my mind. Maybe I have... I need to go talk to him... Tell him I love him... I can't lose him again....

15th October 2014, 1.33pm

I was fasting last night starting at 7pm. It was only supposed to last until 7am, but I didn't end up eating until 1pm today. I forgot how good it felt to be hungry. I want to go an entire weekend without eating. Maybe get back up to my two week fasts... Those made me feel so good. I just can't tell Zach. He's the reason I finally ate today... He kept crying and begging me to eat... I felt so awful...

7th October 2014, 9.52am

I've completely lost it... I've started hearing a man's voice... He's always yelling at me, but I can't make out what he's saying. Whenever I hear it, I start clawing my arms. I've made them bleed three times already this week and it's only Tuesday... I passed out this morning. I think it was due to stress, but I'm not sure... I'm scared of my roommate seeing me when I start clawing my arms... I don't want to go back to the hospital... I just can't... I'd much rather die than go back there to those people... I don't know what to do anymore... I'm so scared that this is going to scare away Zach. I can't lose him again. I just fucking can't! I need help, but I have no time to seek it... I always have class, work, homework, or something for band...