28th October 2015, 12.44am

All of a sudden, everything has begun to spiral down again. I started crying during Play Analysis yesterday... I'm trying to write a paper for Gay and Lesbian Drama, but just can't stay focused... All I want to do is talk to Zach and try to make everything better. I love him so fucking much. I can't handle this.

I'm not in the best of mind sets tonight.... I keep overthinking things and have begun to get the urge to cut again... I don't want to start again, that's why Ben has 2 of my knives... I hate not having them...

22nd October 2015, 8.38am

I'm the friend that everyone throws away after a while... I'm the friend that no one would care if they ever talked to me again..

Everything hurts today... Physically, mentally, emotionally.... I miss Zach so much... Everyone expects me to be okay since he left me a month ago... I feel like any time I tell people what's really wrong they just get annoyed... "Why be hung up on a guy that hurt you so much?" "Just get over him." "You're better off without him." I'm sick of it... All of it... I can't keep hearing the same things over and over... I just need someone to sit down and fucking listen... I need someone to hold me while I cry... I need someone to just try to understand why... No one wants to listen, though. They want there to be some sort of quick fix to get me back on my feet. It isn't that fucking easy. I was with him just over 13 months. I yearned for him for over a year before that... We'd dated for a couple months before that... He has and always will be the one that got away... I can't help it... How exactly am I supposed to get over someone who has had my heart for almost 3 years and counting now? I don't care how he treated me at the end. I don't care that maybe he isn't the one. He's the fucking one I want right now. He's the closest I've been to having the one. I can't stay mad at him. I can't no matter how hard I try and no one fucking cares. All they see is the bad in him... There's so much good... I just want him back... I could never hate him... Zach, if you're reading this I love you... I will always love you...

I have to go get ready for class....

21st October 2015, 8.25am

*200th post!!!*

I just wanted to thank all of those who read this. Seeing those page views and all of your comments really helps me get through a lot of this.

So, it has officially been over a month since Zach left me. I still have days where I just miss him terribly... Last week was pretty bad, but I'd rather not get into it because it doesn't matter. It happened and it is over. It is in the past. The only thing that matters is that I made it out alive.

I got to see Shye over the weekend. She's home for the month! I missed her so damn much. I wish I had gotten to hang out with her more, but so many things were happening over the weekend. I got my lip pierced! I just absolutely adore it. Today is day 4 with it. I'm slowly becoming the me I want to be and I am noticeably happier.

It was raining last night. Ben, one of my friends, and I  decided to go out and play in the rain. It was the freaking best! I haven't done that in so long. At first, we stayed between our two dorms but soon ran all the way around campus just jumping into all the puddles we could find. It was the happiest I had been in a long time.

Today Ben and I are wearing our ears and tails around campus for the day. He recently bought Cheshire ears and tail (blue and teal, not purple and pink). I'm going to be wearing my purple lynx ears and tail. I'm so excited! Last time when I wore my tail, so many people came up to me and gave me compliments. I'm so much more confident when I wear my tail and ears. This week is just a really good week already.

OH! Or, the play I've been working on at work starts today! I can't wait to go see it! The set looks amazing, but I am definitely glad that we are done with all of that wood grain. That was soooo much work, but it was definitely worth it.

Also, today is that day that Marty and the Doc come to the future in Back to the Future II!!!!

13th October 2015, 12.11am

I'm supposed to be working on homework but my mind is just so many different places right now.... I got a call from an unknown number during dinner today... I didn't answer but I'm now wondering if it was David.  I'm actually kind of terrified of what I've gotten myself into...

Besides all that shit, I'm back to square one with cutting.... I had multiple mental breakdowns yesterday and I was alone in my room when the worst one hit... I don't remember what all happened but I remember looking at my knife and seeing blood all over the blade... I remember my arm being streaked with blood... I remember frantically cleaning it all up...  I gave Ben my knives to hold onto until further notice... I'm not well right now and I'm terrified of what I'm capable of right now. I'm just glad I have a friend like him...

It's almost been a month since Zach left me... From what I've seen him posting and what I've heard, he's doing a lot better without me...  I'm glad that that's the case... I don't think I could live with myself if I had been the reason for him to go back to the hospital... He was just taking care of himself and that's what is really important... I just wish I hadn't been such a god damn bitch...

I still can't get those two words out of my head... Dumb cunt.... They've been rattling around in my head for almost 3 weeks now and I have no one to blame but myself... I should probably post pictures of what I drew and wrote during classes yesterday during one of my mental breakdowns, but I just don't have the energy... I just want to rip the pages out and burn them... Maybe that would make me feel better... I don't know anymore... I still feel so god damn hollow...

5.17pm

So I did it. I messaged David... I kind of regretted it immediately, but I still did it. It's too late to turn back now...

I've had so many mental breakdowns today... I can't even count... I'm not even sure I want to eat tonight... I feel so damn sick right now...

12th October 2015, 9.35am

I really need someone to smack me as hard as they can... Every night I've been getting closer and closer to opening up communication lines with David again... I don't know. Maybe it isn't that bad of an idea... Maybe it could work out this time... Maybe everything would be okay... Maybe I just made up all of the things that happened.... I think I'm going to message him... I'll do it today sometime... Not sure when, but I think I will...

11th October 2015, 7.08pm

I'm slowly falling deeper into my depression. I'm discovering that I am a lot happier in a relationship even if the relationship is horribly abusive... To be honest, I've been thinking about trying to get into contact with David again.... I know I shouldn't but.... I just don't know... There's a ot wrong with me I guess.....

7th October 2015, 11.58am

So much for quitting smoking... I had 3 cigarettes last night... I also burned my arm twice with cigarette butts.... I'm doing just fucking peachy, huh? I don't really see a point in trying to quit shit that makes me feel something. I'd rather hurt than be numb and I've been fairly numb these past 3 weeks almost now. Ya know?

2nd October 2015, 7.43pm

I've been doing better about the break up. I'm glad he's been less depressed... I still have my moments where I start bawling over it, but they have become less frequent. I've also been able to sleep more and eat.

I'm currently in the process of dying my hair red again. I need some change... Everything kind of stood still since he left...