I've been feeling lost lately. I feel like I'm not becoming who I am supposed to be. Well, to be completely honest.... I feel like I'm becoming someone who doesn't exist and certainly shouldn't exist... I've been getting more and more suicidal lately and I just don't know how to tell anyone without sounding whiny... I don't know...
This weekend, I'm planning on beginning to move my clothes to the new room. My mum is moving me into the spare room since it has a queen size bed and it's where Zach and I sleep when he spends the night anyways. It'll be kind of nice to have a more... "Grown up" room so to speak.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
24th June 2015, 10.52pm
There isn't much to talk about right now. Just thought I should leave an update of some sort...
Still haven't cut. Still with Zach. No longer working at McDonald's. Still having episodes. Still learning to push through it all.
Still haven't cut. Still with Zach. No longer working at McDonald's. Still having episodes. Still learning to push through it all.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
17th June 2015, 11.01pm
I've been feeling extremely lost lately. I don't know who I am or what I identify as. I told Zach that I feel like I might be genderfluid. He completely flipped out saying that he isn't gay and if I identify as a guy sometimes then I am just a guy to him... I don't know if he actually realized how much that hurt for me to hear... I've been crying since he said that... If I have to be a girl 24/7 for him to stay, then I will... My love for him is stronger than any desire I have to be a male. I feel as though I am betraying myself by saying that, but... It's true... I want him to be happy with me... I just don't know what to do...
Monday, June 15, 2015
11.39pm
I don't get it. I don't understand how she can act like nothing is wrong again. I have literally been avoiding my mother most of the day. How can she act so normal?
15th June 2015, 12.14am
I am so sick of crying at this point... My mother decided to sign all of us up for a 5k color run this past weekend. It wouldn't have been a big deal if it hadn't have been for the fact that I already had plans and she knew about said plans. She thinks that my relationship with Zach is more important to me than anything. I mean, this is sort of true seeing as he actually cares about me and realizes that I have depression that, in fact, got worse after my visit to the hospital back in 2011. Zach tries so hard to make me feel loved and special and worth while... My mother tends to do the exact opposite...
Back to the crying.. I was supposed to leave the graduation party I was at on Saturday early so that we could go to the color run together. I ended up feeling so sick that I was unable to even sit up and decided to go downstairs to Zach's room and lay down for a bit. That was around 8pm. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until around 10pm. I still wasn't feeling well so Zach got me some medicine and around 10.30 to 11pm I remembered that I should text my mother to let her know I would just come home early Sunday morning. Everything seemed fine and dandy until Zach's alarms didn't go off this morning. I had 2 hours until the color run so I texted my mother and asked for the address of the place so that I could just meet her there. Instead of getting the damn address, she screamed at me. I started crying during that and ended up having to hand the phone to Zach because I couldn't talk. She then proceeded to scream at him just because he was trying to help me. They hung up and he had to try for about 2 hours to calm me down...
I was so scared to come home that I didn't even leave his place until about 4pm yesterday. When I got home, I went straight to my room to continue cleaning. About 6pm my mother calls me downstairs. I assumed it was so that she could scream at me, but she acted as if nothing had happened. This went on all night until about an hour ago when I apologized for not making it. She then proceeded to pretty much tell me that I'm just a horrible child that doesn't give a rat's ass about my family. I fucking tried to make it. I texted my mum the fucking moment we realized we had woken up late and asked for the bloody address. If she had just given it to me when I had asked for it, none of this would have happened. But of course, it just can't be her fucking fault. I'm the horrible child that does everything wrong and can never please the bitch. I honestly can't wait to go back to school. At least I don't have somebody breathing down my neck for my entire life there. I have actual freedom. I'm 19 years old... I should be hanging out with my friends more. I have work, family, friends, a relationship..... I have to split my time and I decide to do that by which ones help me grow as a human being. That list goes work, friends, relationship, and family. I don't care what anyone thinks about that. And to be completely honest, friends and relationship are pretty much tied. I need to go to bed...
Back to the crying.. I was supposed to leave the graduation party I was at on Saturday early so that we could go to the color run together. I ended up feeling so sick that I was unable to even sit up and decided to go downstairs to Zach's room and lay down for a bit. That was around 8pm. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until around 10pm. I still wasn't feeling well so Zach got me some medicine and around 10.30 to 11pm I remembered that I should text my mother to let her know I would just come home early Sunday morning. Everything seemed fine and dandy until Zach's alarms didn't go off this morning. I had 2 hours until the color run so I texted my mother and asked for the address of the place so that I could just meet her there. Instead of getting the damn address, she screamed at me. I started crying during that and ended up having to hand the phone to Zach because I couldn't talk. She then proceeded to scream at him just because he was trying to help me. They hung up and he had to try for about 2 hours to calm me down...
I was so scared to come home that I didn't even leave his place until about 4pm yesterday. When I got home, I went straight to my room to continue cleaning. About 6pm my mother calls me downstairs. I assumed it was so that she could scream at me, but she acted as if nothing had happened. This went on all night until about an hour ago when I apologized for not making it. She then proceeded to pretty much tell me that I'm just a horrible child that doesn't give a rat's ass about my family. I fucking tried to make it. I texted my mum the fucking moment we realized we had woken up late and asked for the bloody address. If she had just given it to me when I had asked for it, none of this would have happened. But of course, it just can't be her fucking fault. I'm the horrible child that does everything wrong and can never please the bitch. I honestly can't wait to go back to school. At least I don't have somebody breathing down my neck for my entire life there. I have actual freedom. I'm 19 years old... I should be hanging out with my friends more. I have work, family, friends, a relationship..... I have to split my time and I decide to do that by which ones help me grow as a human being. That list goes work, friends, relationship, and family. I don't care what anyone thinks about that. And to be completely honest, friends and relationship are pretty much tied. I need to go to bed...
Thursday, June 11, 2015
11th June 2015, 11.48pm
The more I think about it, the more I really believe that I made up everything bad that I've ever said about David... I don't know anymore. I think Zach is also starting to doubt me... I just need to get some rest I guess and maybe I will be feeling better in the morning...
I was cleaning my room today. I stumble upon old journals and I was reading some of them... I've actually come really far in the last 2 years or so. I was kind of surprised about that. While reading some of my old entries, I started crying and wondering how I actually lived to see 19... I also finally threw out my razors. I no longer have anything in my room that I have ever used to harm myself. It has taken me 6 years to finally have that again... I'm extremely proud of myself for that...
I was cleaning my room today. I stumble upon old journals and I was reading some of them... I've actually come really far in the last 2 years or so. I was kind of surprised about that. While reading some of my old entries, I started crying and wondering how I actually lived to see 19... I also finally threw out my razors. I no longer have anything in my room that I have ever used to harm myself. It has taken me 6 years to finally have that again... I'm extremely proud of myself for that...
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
10th June 2015 11.30pm
Today was Zach and my 10 month anniversary. We weren't able to do anything together due to the fact that I had work all day and then he had his class tonight. Don't even mention the fact that we're both broke ass bitches...
I figured something out today while at work. Whenever Zach and I fight, I bring up random shit that he's never actually said/done (i.e. looking down on me for working at McDonalds). I finally figured out what the hell is going on. Every supposedly 'random' thing that I've brought up are things that David used to do. I believe that these are mini episodes that I'm having. It's not that I forget who I'm talking to or whatnot, it's just that my brain is telling me that Zach is David and has said these things. I don't really understand why this is happening lately, but it is. At least now I semi understand what is going on and was able to explain it to Zach in case it happens again.
I've been thinking a lot about David lately, in fact. It's mostly just been about our relationship and how perhaps it wasn't all him. Every time I think about it, I believe more and more that I had done something to provoke his behaviors.... Maybe I'm just over thinking all of this... I'm not quite sure anymore... To be completely honest, I'm not even sure whether or not all of what I've said about David is actually true.... I'm not sure as to whether or not I made all of the abuse and trauma up. I couldn't have possibly made all of it up, right? I just need some validation that I'm not completely insane. I just want some answers from him. Why me? What did I do to deserve all of it? Did he actually love me at all? Was anything he said even true...? I don't know what to think anymore... I can't even get myself to delete his number out of my phone. I'm so fucking pathetic...
In other ews, my friend Kendrick left for New York today. I'm really going to miss him... I kind of hope things fall through out there and he comes back... Does that make me an awful person or what? I should just be excited for him and hope for the best. God, I'm fucked up.
I figured something out today while at work. Whenever Zach and I fight, I bring up random shit that he's never actually said/done (i.e. looking down on me for working at McDonalds). I finally figured out what the hell is going on. Every supposedly 'random' thing that I've brought up are things that David used to do. I believe that these are mini episodes that I'm having. It's not that I forget who I'm talking to or whatnot, it's just that my brain is telling me that Zach is David and has said these things. I don't really understand why this is happening lately, but it is. At least now I semi understand what is going on and was able to explain it to Zach in case it happens again.
I've been thinking a lot about David lately, in fact. It's mostly just been about our relationship and how perhaps it wasn't all him. Every time I think about it, I believe more and more that I had done something to provoke his behaviors.... Maybe I'm just over thinking all of this... I'm not quite sure anymore... To be completely honest, I'm not even sure whether or not all of what I've said about David is actually true.... I'm not sure as to whether or not I made all of the abuse and trauma up. I couldn't have possibly made all of it up, right? I just need some validation that I'm not completely insane. I just want some answers from him. Why me? What did I do to deserve all of it? Did he actually love me at all? Was anything he said even true...? I don't know what to think anymore... I can't even get myself to delete his number out of my phone. I'm so fucking pathetic...
In other ews, my friend Kendrick left for New York today. I'm really going to miss him... I kind of hope things fall through out there and he comes back... Does that make me an awful person or what? I should just be excited for him and hope for the best. God, I'm fucked up.
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