It's been a while since I last posted something. A lot of stuff has happened... Mostly my car breaking down and costing me a fortune to fix... Zach and I celebrated our 1 year on the 10th this month... Unfortunately, I was (and still am) sick so we put off going out on a date until further notice.
Lately I have been hitting these bouts of depression. For the past week or so I've had the urges to cut again and almost have on multiple occasions. I've also been wanting to kill myself... It's honestly been the worst I've been in a long while now... I don't know why this is happening or what triggered it, but I need to deal with it...
I go back to college this Friday. This will be my second year out at UW-Platteville. I'm truly ecstatic about my first full year being immersed into the theatre department.
I just can't seem to shake the thoughts that the darkness brings with it... I hate sleeping in my bed by myself... I can't wait until the nights that Zach and I will say goodnight and fall asleep next to each other every night. Whenever someone asks me what I want to be once I graduate college, they always seem surprised by my answer. What I really truly want to be is a mother. I want to be a stay at home mom with my kids and my husband and I want to have that "American Dream" of having a family. I go to college to further my education, not to get ahead in the workplace. I go to college so that I do have more opportunities but at the same time I go to college so as not to be the black sheep of the family. I don't want a big fancy house or nice shiny cars... I want a roof over my head, a car that gets me from a to b safely, a husband who loves me, and kids. I feel like Zach doesn't always fully understand that. I get that he doesn't want to live paycheck to paycheck, and I agree that it would be kind of awful but I also don't want to live in the lap of luxury either. I'll be happy with a just big enough house and an older car. All I really want is a family that I actually feel like I belong to... I don't belong in my mom's family, or my dad's family, and I certainly don't belong in my stepmom's family. It's so hard to see everyone getting along so well while I just sit in the corner on my phone, waiting for the day that I belong. No one at family gatherings wants to talk to me... They all go talk to my sister because her life is just more interesting I guess... At all these family get-togethers, I just sit there and quietly wish I was more interesting, more important, more welcome...
