30th April 2014, 8.42am

Yesterday was a long day and today feels like it's going to be the same. I have work until 9pm tonight, but they will probably ask me to stay late. I mean, I don't mind the money but I need time for homework too. I know, I know. I could be doing homework right now. I just... I can't really get myself to do anything lately. I'm just so tired... Unfortunately, this computer doesn't have a slot for SD cards. If it did, I would post a picture of the Eiffel Tower.... I'm just so tired... I just want to sleep...

29th April 2014, 10.20am

At this point, I am getting ready for graduation and ANIME MIDWEST!! I want to be able to do Jeff the Killer by then (which shouldn't be terribly hard). All I need to do is buy the hoodie and attack it with red paint. :)

I'm so excited about all of this! I just wish that Ponyville Ciderfest was sooner... :( I'll be in college when it happens...

28th April 2014, 10.06am

So, I'm back! France was so nice, but I didn't get to see any of my friends from other exchanges. Kind of sucked, but still had an amazing time. Maybe I will post pictures this week. I don't know...

In other news, today I am 10 weeks without cutting. It's kind of amazing to think about.

11th April 2014, 9.00am

Two hours before I leave for the airport! I'm super excited but I won't be able to post until I get home and even then I may be too tired to!

Still Waiting

I am tired from running around all day with my friends. As I jump up and down like the little bunny I am, I excitedly tell my mommy how we learned cursive that day in class. The house is filled with the smell of parmesan chicken. I bounce up and down by the door, waiting for my daddy to come home so we can eat and play together. He normally strides through the door around 6 o’clock. Mommy’s setting the table for dinner and I notice she forgets daddy’s plate and silverware. I hurry to the cabinet and climb onto the countertop as I playfully scold mama for forgetting daddy. She just stares at me, her eyes about ready to burst with tears. I kind of look at her with my head tilted like a kitten and innocently ask her what’s wrong. All she utters is “He’s not coming, honey.” I begin to choke up with tears as my screams echo through the house. “He’s coming back! He loves us!” Mommy holds me close to her as we both sob and she whispers to me that of course he loves me and my sister. She whimpered about how his love for his children would never change. We sit together on the dirty kitchen floor until dinner is cold and the moon is high in the sky.

10th April 2014, 10.05am

THERE'S ONLY 25 HOURS LEFT UNTIL I LEAVE FOR FRANCE! I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED!

7th April 2014, 8.25am

So this weekend was interesting to say the least. I left my fiance on Thursday. He came to see me Friday and we ended up getting back together. Then I saw him again on Saturday and he decided to leave me. Not even two hours later we were back together again. We both agreed that we are just super stressed out. Me because of the France trip and work and him because of work and personal reason that I'm not allowed to state. So on Sunday, we decided to celebrate our 9 month as if we had never broken up. It was wonderful. We went to Willow Brook (one of the parks in my town) and my friend took pictures of him and I playing in the river together. Then when my friend had to go to work, we went to Wood Lawn (another park) and played on this merry-go-round like thing. This little girl (around the age of two or three) came along and wanted to play with us. So we spun her and laughed with her. She was adorable in all honesty. After she ran off, we talked about what kind of parents we would be. Just thinking about that sort of thing makes me want to cry. I have known I wanted to have kids since I was about five years old. After that, we went to the store since we were both hungry then he dropped me off at home so I could get ready for work. Then, after I got off of work, we sat around McDonald's for a half hour just talking and laughing then we went to the store since I needed to get some things. It was perfect. He walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye. I know a few of my friends are mad at me that I'm back with him since I was in tears over all of this on Thursday, but he really does make me happy. Besides, it's my decision and not theirs. I understand that they care and worry about me, but I'm so happy with him. Isn't that enough? I think it should be...

In other words, I have four days left until I leave the country!!! I'm super excited about this trip.It's going to suck not being able to talk to anyone, though. At least my mum will be able to keep everyone posted about my well-being. I leave on Friday around 11am for the airport down in Chicago, IL. Our plane takes off around 3pm that same afternoon. We have an hour layover in Dublin, Ireland. Then we are on our way to France! I can't wait to meet my host family. I hope my French isn't too terrible!!

1st April 2014, 12.48pm

Today there is only one thing that I can think about. I keep thinking about how it would feel to have the rope around my neck. To step off the edge of a chair. To have the rope tighten. To not be touching the ground. To not be breathing... To be dead. I want that right now. I want it so bad that I've cancelled all plans for today after school. I honestly can't wait. I've been trying to get people to stop caring and it's worked to some extent. I can't wait to feel free. My mum won't even be home until about 10pm tonight. It's fucking perfect! She'll think I went to bed and in reality, my dead lifeless body will be hanging in the basement.... I can't wait...