23rd September 2015, 9.43am

He's fine... He's absolutely fine while I'm sitting here completely broken... How can that be? How can he be completely okay and I'm just miserable and suicidal...? How can you spend so much time with someone and just be fine when it's ripped away from you...? He expects me to be fine the way he is... I have yet to go a couple hours without crying... I'm still barely sleeping... I can't handle all of this... I've had to walk out of classes because I just start bawling... I have so many friends checking on me and making sure I'm okay but I still feel alone...

I feel absolutely worthless because of this... I must be worthless... He was able to throw me away like the garbage I am... I want him happy but at the same time I want him to be happy being with me... Is that selfish...?

22nd September 2015, 8.11am

I finally got myself into the shower today... First time since everything came crashing down on Friday... It's not like I even wanted to shower... I just knew that I needed it...

I'm also back to day 1 as of last night... I remember crying... I remember grabbing the blade... I don't remember the actual action...

I was supposed to have an interview today for a second job, but I cancelled it... I can hardly handle life right now, how would I handle even more...?

I'm such a fuck up and I hate myself... I fuck up every good thing I ever have...

19th September 2015, 10.22am

So the unexpected happened last night.... I guess I should have seen it coming, but after almost 14 months of being in a relationship with Zach, he left me... He explained to me why and all but I just... He could have talked to me sooner.... It didn't have to come to this... I wasn't able to eat last night... Still haven't eaten yet today... I probably will since my mom is coming out... Last night, I couldn't function. All I did was cry. This morning, I've been trying to keep myself busy with cleaning. It's helped a bit, but whenever I stop for a second my mind goes straight to him... I don't hate him for leaving... I don't think I ever will, but I do know he will always have my heart...

As I was crying last night, I kept reaching to play with the ring he had given me for Valentine's Day this past year... It just made me cry harder... Everything that reminds me of him is hidden away because every time I even looked at any of it I started bawling all over again... I only got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. What I really don't understand is how he can act like nothing happened between us... How he can act like everything's fine whereas for me, the world's crashing down around me...

There were a few moments last night when I almost cut. I didn't... I still want to, but I know I shouldn't so I'm trying so hard to keep my mind off of it... I feel empty... I feel broken... I feel so... so worthless.... I was trying to change for him so hard... Why wasn't it enough? I really thought we were getting better, but I guess he was just hiding his disgust for me.... I just don't understand how someone can say they love you and then a few hours later they say they haven't loved you for a few days no...

10.39pm

I've just finished my homework for two different classes. I just need a break... My mind is starting to go to mush again. Today's been a long day and I just want to lay down, but I need to get this done... I really should work on my Intro to Design homework too.... I just don't even know where to start with that one... I'm just so tired... Bed sounds like a wonderful idea, but I really need to get this homework done... I shouldn't even be blogging right now... Haha. I'm so bloody tired...

15th September 2015, 8.16am

So, one of my classes this semester is Intro to Design. Part of it is just drawing... A lot. At first, I wasn't really to thrilled about it because I don't see myself as an artist. The more I do the drawings, the more I realize that maybe I am a bit of an artist. As a result, whenever I'm depressed I have been drawing instead of writing. It actually helps more than writing because it keeps my hands busy but it also uses my mind so that I can't think about being depressed. I've only done one drawing so far, but it really helped. The only problem is that I need to be looking at a picture or the actual object right now....

14th September 2015, 9.05am

I'm just sitting around before my Philosophy class this morning. My roommate's already left for the day. I just keep thinking over the weekend and what all happened. Nothing special happened on Friday. I went to class and then the marching band played at the high school's football game. No biggie. On Saturday Ben and I went out to Dubuque for some adventuring. During all of this, Zach and I began fighting. I won't go too into detail about the fight because, to be honest, I don't even understand what it was all about anymore. In Dubuque Ben and I went to Hobby Lobby and the mall that is out there. Afterwards we went to Berry Yo and then we went to Theatre Blitz II. Theatre Blitz is a 24 hour theatre production. The groups met on Friday around 6 or 7pm and then had to perform their plays at 7pm on Saturday. It was really fun watching what they had all come up with. Sunday is when things got bad.... Zach and I were still fighting. I was also suffering a massive bout of depression yesterday. I could hardly get out of bed as it was, but the fight made it so I only left my room twice yesterday. I didn't even eat until close to 8pm. Before Zach left for work, he had told me to come up with a list of reasons why he should stay with me rather than leaving me. By the time he was off of work, I had come up with over 140 reasons why he should stay. I cried so much yesterday... I barely got any homework done... I was so tired... I just wanted to cut... But I didn't because I knew that Zach wouldn't want me to, even though we were in the middle of a fight.

Everything is fine now, but yesterday was just torture. I'm not sure I would have been able to curb my urges if we hadn't worked everything out last night.... It terrifies me that these sorts of things affect me so much... I'm honestly scared shitless of what might happen if we broke up for good. I'm not sure how I would deal with it...

3rd September 2015, 9.34pm

So, on Tuesday it was 6 months since the last time I cut. I really feel like I'm actually making some progress. I haven't even smoked yet even though I've wanted to for a few days now. I did have a bit of an episode last night, but I think Zach was right and that I just needed sleep because I felt a lot better this morning.

I go home tomorrow after Marching Band for my cousin's wedding on Saturday. I'm really excited because Zach is going to be coming with and it'll be the first time he's meeting a lot of this side of my family.

I'm slowly getting my dorm room organized this week. It's been a slow and painful process, but it has in fact been happening. My roommate's name is Marissa. She's actually really nice and I really don't think this semester is going to be bad. I have a lot of really fun classes this semester, too. I'm taking marching band (obviously), gay and lesbian drama, introduction to design, play analysis, French 1, and philosophy. French isn't all that great right now, but that's because it's elementary French so it's just a big review for me.

I'm supposed to be working on homework, but I just can't concentrate tonight. I organized my side of the room for a bit and then we had our first wing meeting of the year.

That reminds me! I got a job working at the Center for the Arts that is on campus as a production assistant. I'm super excited to have this job, not only because it will look hella good on my resume but also because I really enjoy the people I get to work with.