I want to die.... Last night was awful. I tried talking to my roommate about her stuff being on my side and she blew up on me which made me get flustered and I forgot where I was going with it and she just ripped me apart... I feel worthless and useless and alone and like a bother to everyone I try to reach out to at this point. I wanted to overdose last night, but ended up passing out in bed instead... It was so hard getting up this morning. I barely go to class on time. I'm still mentally exhausted... My head hurts like a bitch....
The 15th can't get here soon enough. I only have one exam that day at 11am and then I will have completed my freshman year of college. I can't believe it's gone by so quickly... It seems like just yesterday I was waking up in my empty room on the floor to get ready for my first marching band practice of the season. I'll be glad to be home for the summer, though. I need to work on cleaning up my room...
Friday marks 2 months without cutting. I've barely made it this far... I don't know if it'll be any easier once I'm home again. I'll have to deal with being the forgotten child again... At least I found a new job back home. No more McDonald's for this girl. I miss Zach... He offered to come out the 14th but I don't think my roommate would be too happy (as if she is now...) and I have an exam on the 15th... Then he offered to meet me at home on the 15th, but I'm not going home until the 16th because of my sister's graduation.
It's weird to think that next week is my birthday. It doesn't feel like it. I wish he could come out for that... But I understand why he can't. Money's tight for both of us and it makes more sense to wait until I'm back home... My mum and sister will be coming out on the 9th for dinner then we're getting a hotel room and having brunch on the 10th for Mother's Day... It should be kind of nice I guess. I don't know really...
That reminds me... I need to get Zach's mum's address... I asked him for it earlier, but he didn't give it to me. I'll bug him for it again later today. I'm just barely functioning right now. I need to order cards... I want one for my mum, step mum, and Zach's mum... I'll just look at Hallmark....
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
28th April 2014, 1.16pm
So I was asked to talk about the abusive relationship I was in last year and how I left. So I guess I'll start at the beginning.
I met him at an anime convention called Anime Midwest in July. I had been playing a card game in one of the game rooms and he walked in to join in the next round. We were playing and talking from around 11pm to 4am the next day. Afterwards, I went back to my hotel room to change since I had a different cosplay to wear for the day. I came back and we began talking again. We both talked a lot about our pasts and pretty much spilled our guts. Then we kissed... We exchanged phone numbers before we went our separate ways. We texted and called since we lived about 130 miles apart. Finally one day he asked me out. I said yes. At the time, I couldn't tell anyone because he is 6 years older than I am and I was only 17 at the time, making him 23.
We planned to meet up once a month. To be honest, those first couple months were wonderful. The first month he came up, I wasn't actually sure if he would show up. I was terrified, but once I saw him sitting by his car at what later became our meeting place my mind was at ease. That first month, he just came up for the day. After that, he'd stay usually Friday night to Sunday morning at a hotel and I'd either stay with him while my mum thought I was at a friend's or only visit during the day.
Although I told him I wasn't comfortable having sex for the first few months, he'd still tease me and strip me and eventually fuck me... It made me feel dirty, to be honest... In October, he came out for the weekend of my senior homecoming. Instead of going to the dance like I wanted to, he talked me into spending the night in the hotel room. Luckily, my two friends talked him into taking me to a haunted house with them. Afterwards, we went to Culver's for custard. He had to take a call and went outside. After about 20 minutes, he was still talking so I went out to go check on him. He was all the way across the parking lot so I ran towards him... That was the first time I saw his violent side. I almost was kicked in the face because he had wanted to be left alone... I fell to the pavement sobbing because it scared me so much... My friends went home and he took me back to the hotel, telling me to stop crying the entire way there. Once we got to the hotel and I finally calmed down, he took me into the shower and washed me up (my friend painted my face to look like a tabby cat). The rest of that weekend was fairly uneventful.
As the months went on, he got more aggressive. For instance, I have a thing about not being pinned down during sex because of the rape... He'd get a kick out of that when I'd start begging him to stop... He'd practically choke me to the point of passing out during sex. He began groping me in public, and not like the light-tap-on-the-ass kind but the full on hand-down-your-pants kind.... I'd call him out on it and tell him I was uncomfortable with it, but he'd just laugh and do it more. I gave up after a while because I knew it didn't matter. This cycle continued until I first left him. I was strong for a good 3 days. Until he came up to my work and waited for me to get off. He threatened to hurt me if I didn't get back together with him, so I did..... I wasn't happy being with him.... Not really.
Last year, over Valentine's day was another convention called Anime Milwaukee. I convinced him to go. I had wanted to go to the ball with him that Friday night but instead he ended up wasting time and we missed it. I normally wear collars on a regular basis and there was a vendor selling leashes. Can you guess what he did? I ended up getting hurt a lot that weekend because of that leash. There was a rave that Saturday and we decided to go. I went in a skimpy little dress and had a pair of shorts on underneath. He continually put his hand down my dress and tried taking off my shorts and underwear at the rave. I started crying and asking him why he only cared about sex... We left the rave, well... I left and he followed... I sat on a bench and started bawling. He just stared at me for a bit... Then he started screaming at me, telling me how I was making a scene and people were staring. I had 6 people come over and ask if I was okay/if he was bothering me. I wish I had said something to them, but he kept turning them away saying I was just having a bad day and was tired. After I started calming down, he escorted me to my hotel, slapped me on the ass and told me to be a good girl and text him in the morning. That was probably the worst weekend....
The last time we saw each other was in March because I was unable to see him in April due to my trip to France. He took one look at me when we saw each other and said that I'd gained too much weight and needed to lose it asap all the while knowing I have a history of anorexia... I sat in the hotel room's tub with the door locked and lights off and sobbed for a good 3 hours. He never asked if I was okay.... He instead turned on the tv and would bang on the wall if my crying became too loud. Once I came out, he smacked me on the back and told me I was a terrible person.
While I was in France, he got really mad at me quite a few times because I didn't have time to talk to him. Our schedule was completely full and we wouldn't get back until around 10pm some nights. Once I got back to the states, I had decided that I needed to leave him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. After I left him, he would call and text me constantly. He would bother my friends. He threatened to ruin my life. He threatened to come and find me and beat me within an inch of my life... Luckily, I had some amazing friends behind me, including Zach who I'd just gotten back into contact with while I was in France. I had places to go if he came back. I had friends willing to stand up for me. The last time I heard from him was back in September of 2014. It's been a long journey, but Saturday marks one year of being rid of that monster....
I met him at an anime convention called Anime Midwest in July. I had been playing a card game in one of the game rooms and he walked in to join in the next round. We were playing and talking from around 11pm to 4am the next day. Afterwards, I went back to my hotel room to change since I had a different cosplay to wear for the day. I came back and we began talking again. We both talked a lot about our pasts and pretty much spilled our guts. Then we kissed... We exchanged phone numbers before we went our separate ways. We texted and called since we lived about 130 miles apart. Finally one day he asked me out. I said yes. At the time, I couldn't tell anyone because he is 6 years older than I am and I was only 17 at the time, making him 23.
We planned to meet up once a month. To be honest, those first couple months were wonderful. The first month he came up, I wasn't actually sure if he would show up. I was terrified, but once I saw him sitting by his car at what later became our meeting place my mind was at ease. That first month, he just came up for the day. After that, he'd stay usually Friday night to Sunday morning at a hotel and I'd either stay with him while my mum thought I was at a friend's or only visit during the day.
Although I told him I wasn't comfortable having sex for the first few months, he'd still tease me and strip me and eventually fuck me... It made me feel dirty, to be honest... In October, he came out for the weekend of my senior homecoming. Instead of going to the dance like I wanted to, he talked me into spending the night in the hotel room. Luckily, my two friends talked him into taking me to a haunted house with them. Afterwards, we went to Culver's for custard. He had to take a call and went outside. After about 20 minutes, he was still talking so I went out to go check on him. He was all the way across the parking lot so I ran towards him... That was the first time I saw his violent side. I almost was kicked in the face because he had wanted to be left alone... I fell to the pavement sobbing because it scared me so much... My friends went home and he took me back to the hotel, telling me to stop crying the entire way there. Once we got to the hotel and I finally calmed down, he took me into the shower and washed me up (my friend painted my face to look like a tabby cat). The rest of that weekend was fairly uneventful.
As the months went on, he got more aggressive. For instance, I have a thing about not being pinned down during sex because of the rape... He'd get a kick out of that when I'd start begging him to stop... He'd practically choke me to the point of passing out during sex. He began groping me in public, and not like the light-tap-on-the-ass kind but the full on hand-down-your-pants kind.... I'd call him out on it and tell him I was uncomfortable with it, but he'd just laugh and do it more. I gave up after a while because I knew it didn't matter. This cycle continued until I first left him. I was strong for a good 3 days. Until he came up to my work and waited for me to get off. He threatened to hurt me if I didn't get back together with him, so I did..... I wasn't happy being with him.... Not really.
Last year, over Valentine's day was another convention called Anime Milwaukee. I convinced him to go. I had wanted to go to the ball with him that Friday night but instead he ended up wasting time and we missed it. I normally wear collars on a regular basis and there was a vendor selling leashes. Can you guess what he did? I ended up getting hurt a lot that weekend because of that leash. There was a rave that Saturday and we decided to go. I went in a skimpy little dress and had a pair of shorts on underneath. He continually put his hand down my dress and tried taking off my shorts and underwear at the rave. I started crying and asking him why he only cared about sex... We left the rave, well... I left and he followed... I sat on a bench and started bawling. He just stared at me for a bit... Then he started screaming at me, telling me how I was making a scene and people were staring. I had 6 people come over and ask if I was okay/if he was bothering me. I wish I had said something to them, but he kept turning them away saying I was just having a bad day and was tired. After I started calming down, he escorted me to my hotel, slapped me on the ass and told me to be a good girl and text him in the morning. That was probably the worst weekend....
The last time we saw each other was in March because I was unable to see him in April due to my trip to France. He took one look at me when we saw each other and said that I'd gained too much weight and needed to lose it asap all the while knowing I have a history of anorexia... I sat in the hotel room's tub with the door locked and lights off and sobbed for a good 3 hours. He never asked if I was okay.... He instead turned on the tv and would bang on the wall if my crying became too loud. Once I came out, he smacked me on the back and told me I was a terrible person.
While I was in France, he got really mad at me quite a few times because I didn't have time to talk to him. Our schedule was completely full and we wouldn't get back until around 10pm some nights. Once I got back to the states, I had decided that I needed to leave him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. After I left him, he would call and text me constantly. He would bother my friends. He threatened to ruin my life. He threatened to come and find me and beat me within an inch of my life... Luckily, I had some amazing friends behind me, including Zach who I'd just gotten back into contact with while I was in France. I had places to go if he came back. I had friends willing to stand up for me. The last time I heard from him was back in September of 2014. It's been a long journey, but Saturday marks one year of being rid of that monster....
Friday, April 24, 2015
24th April 2015, 3.22pm
I haven't been on here in a while... There's a lot going on right now. I'm preparing for finals, I signed up for next semester's classes, I'm figuring out what I want out of life... I actually ended up changing majors this semester around Easter. I decided to become a theatre major rather than chemistry. I don't really know what to talk about. Next week is 2 months without cutting. I've almost caved in to the urges multiple times this week alone... It's hard being so far away from Zach for so long... He's my rock and I'm his. When I think about all that I've accomplished in just a year, it's amazing... I went to France, I got a tattoo, I left an abusive relationship, I started college... I'm actually really proud of myself for all of it... I feel like I should be further along with my life, but... I don't know really. I just have been having a rough week. Only 22 days until I'm home for the summer, which is nice. I'm going to hang out with my friend Ben tonight. I meant him through theatre. There are a lot of things on my mind right now, but I can't really focus on just one idea.... It sucks. I should really get to work on my homework... I'm going to be super busy with work this weekend... *sigh* I can't wait to quit dining services.
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