4.32pm

There are still quite a few days where I don't feel confident at all. I'm working on loving myself the way I am and it works most of the time. There's always going to be days where I don't love myself, though.

I was asked to be the assistant stage manager for the first play in the fall and then the stage manager for the second play. I'm really excited but completely terrified at the same time. I'm planning on trying to work backstage during the musical next year, too.

I'm planning on taking 16 credits next semester. Two of those credits are Practicums and one is Marching Band. I'm going to be so busy, but it's so worth it.

31st March 2016, 7.33am

Tonight's the last rehearsal before tech week starts. We get tomorrow off, but Saturday and Sunday are each going to be about 10 hours long. I can't believe we open next Wednesday already. There were a few hiccups last night but hopefully it'll be smoother tonight. Although I get really frustrated and stressed during rehearsal, it actually helps release stress since I'm running around and moving things and making sure people have the props they need.

My professor actually asked me if I would be interested in being an assistant stage manager again for the first play and then a stage manager for the second play. I said yes, but I'm worried about not being able to do band....

I have my advising meeting today at 3pm to go over classes and stuff for next semester... I have no idea what classes I want to take yet... I know I need French and scenic painting. I want to take marching band and another practicum. Hopefully I can squeeze in a science or speech class. I don't think I'm going to be able to take abnormal psychology, though.

3.15pm

Dear Zach,

Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for breaking me. Thank you for pushing me down to rock bottom.  Because of you, I am stronger now. Because of you, I know what I want and deserve in a relationship of any sort. Because of you, I know it's okay to say goodbye if it's better for your mental health. Because of you, I have become happier than I have been in years.

I know now that a lot of it had to do with me, but at the same time a lot of it was you. We weren't compatible. We didn't even have that much in common. I wasn't the best girlfriend. In fact, I was far from it. I was stubborn and pissy and never knew when to just shut the hell up.  You weren't the best boyfriend ever, either. You were cruel and always had to be right and treated me like a child. Now, I'm not saying you were completely awful. You were sweet and thoughtful and kind. There were times when you made me feel like I was incredibly special and loved. I'm always going to hold onto those fond memories of us.

I forgive you. I forgive you for all the times you put me down. I forgive you for all the times you put my schooling down. I forgive you for all the times you put my passions down. I forgive you for making me sob during classes. I forgive you for causing me immense amounts of mental pain. I forgive you for all of the emotional pain that you put me through. I forgive you for making me hate myself. I forgive you. You are only human.

Now, I ask that you forgive me. Forgive me for all of the times I ended up starting fights. Forgive me for all of the times that I caused you mental pain. Forgive me for all of the emotional pain I caused you. Forgive me for being so stubborn. Forgive me for making you worry all the time. Forgive me for being human. I'm not going to beg nor plead for your forgiveness. I just ask that you consider it for I am only human and make mistakes. Unfortunately, many of my mistakes ended up hurting you.

I wish no ill upon you. I have no bad feelings towards you. What happened, happened. Honestly, I applaud you for being able to leave in order to retain your own mental health. I hope you find happiness. I hope you find peace. Whatever those two things may be, I hope you find them. I know that I'm getting closer to those two things every day that I continue to work on myself.

Our good times will always be in my memories and in my heart. I'm still trying to let the bad times go, but I'm getting closer each day. Some things just aren't meant to be.

29th March 2016, 12.09am

Yesterday marked 21 weeks without cutting. I think that's the longest I've been in a long while... I don't know how to feel about it to be honest.

25th March 2016, 11.46am

I really can't wait until I never have to see my sister again. I'm tired of being blamed for her losing things... it's not my fault she has no see of organization or anything like that.

I've been talking to this really sweet guy lately. He makes me so freaking happy. I just wish I had the time to go see him...

24th March 2016, 6.17am

I just had a nightmare that woke me up... I was cuddling with this guy that I've been talking to recently but suddenly, he turned into David.... and he started choking me and screaming at me... I couldn't make out what he was saying though... it was terrifying...

22nd March 2016, 9.44pm

Today marks 20 weeks without cutting. That's 140 days. It doesn't seem like much, but it's getting easier...

20th March 2016, 8.52pm

I know remember why I just don't come home. This place is toxic to me and is part of the reason I'm not better yet. I just need to get out and away from them... Thursday can't come soon enough...

19th Match 2016, 9.37pm

I miss having someone to love. I miss being loved by someone.

18th March 2016, 8.32pm

Nothing really new. Just home for spring break.

15th March 2016, 7.08pm

Rehearsal got moved back from 630 to 730 for tonight. I haven't been feeling well, so I slept for a couple hours. I think I stressed myself out too much.

So I just realized something today. I really don't have anyone that I can talk to about my depression anymore. I have Ben and Sean. That's it really. I mean, it's not like I've really needed anyone to talk to about it lately. I've actually been getting better at taking care of things myself, which is nice. I can't believe that I'm almost to 20 weeks without cutting. It feels good to have control over it again.

10.01pm

Today, campus got shut down. There was reportedly a firearm in one of the building so they evacuated campus. Thank god for having Ben. He let me stay with him in his room while we waited for more news. He kept me calm and even had a plan if they told us to leave campus. I need to start being more prepared like he was...

14th March 2016, 2.15am

Today marks 19 weeks self harm free! I'm so proud of myself!!

In other news, my 8am starts today. Oopssssss~~~.... my alarm is set for 6.30am... I should probably sleep hahaha

12th March 2016, 2.31pm

I'm so tired of coming in second to everyone else.... I just need someone who loves me and can actually keep plans for once...

11th March 2016, 10.03

I turn in my Drafting midterm today. I'm so glad I finished it and I think I did at least fairly well on it.

Rehearsals are going well. I'm glad we don't have rehearsal on Monday. Gives me a bit of a break. Hoping Spring Break is nice and relaxing.

I've been thinking about how Zach said that my education is preschool for adults. I don't think he understood all of the time that goes into my work. I mean, draftings can take me hours. Especially when I'm not using a 1 inch scale. For my midterm, we were using 1/2 inch scale. I'm just glad it wasn't something super odd. Yeah, for my major I get to draw and color a lot. That doesn't mean it's easy. I'd love to see him try and do the things I do for classes. If it's so easy, he should be able to get an A no problem, right? Even with a crap ton of practice, I'm only getting B's. I just wish more people undestood how much work actually goes into a Theatre major.

8th March 2016, 11.45am

A bad day does not equal a bad life.... I need to remember that....

It's only 2 months until I'm no longer a teenager. It's a weird feeling.

7th March 2016, 8.57am

So, I've been really depressed lately. I'm trying to not let it stop me, though.

I have to perform a sonnet for my Voice and Diction class today... I'm absolutely terrified. I could only memorize 6 lines....

12.13pm

I eat lunch at a table with of bunch of people from the anime club. One of them came to the table crying because a close friend attempted suicide last night and it looks like they won't make it. It really puts it into perspective for me. I feel like no one would notice or care if I died, but I see now that even people I'm not that close to would be affected and care...

3rd March 2016, 7.34am

Today marks 4 months without cutting. I'm actually really proud of myself! There isn't much going on right now. Just rehearsals. I think I might actually be ready to date again, too.

1st March 2016, 11.22am

Yesterday marked 17 weeks without cutting. I'm so glad that I've been able to stay strong for so long. I've been cutting people out of my life that bring me down and are detrimental to my mental health.

Today is National Self Injury Awareness Day. I'm not doing anything special, but I made a post on Facebook. If you're struggling with self harm, please talk to someone.