3rd November 2016, 12.24am

It's officially been an entire year since the last time I cut myself. I'll be honest, I didn't actually think I'd make it a year but here we are.... here we are... I'm extremely proud of myself, don't get me wrong I just.... I can't believe all of the things happening. I'm stage managing my first show, I'm going to Las Vegas in May, January 2018 I'm going to London, May 2018 I'm graduating college.... I feel as though my life has taken a complete 180 and god does it feel good.

Besides all of that, Nick and I have been together almost 4 months now. I finally got to meet his sister and mum about 2 weeks ago now. I won't get to meet his dad until winter break probably. They love me, thougj. They absolutely love me and I love them. I've never actually had a boyfriend's family genuinely like me. Both his parents and my mother think that Nick and I are perfect for each other. My dad loves Nick, which is highly unusual.

8th October 2016, 8.51pm

Tomorrow marks 3 months with Nick. I've never been this happy before. Even my lows are higher than some of my highs ever were. I'm so lucky to have him in my life.
On that note, I'm not happy right now. I'm down right depressed. I know it will pass, it always does but I can't shake this feeling that I don't deserve anything I have.
The show opens on Wednesday. I can't believe it. Today is the first day of tech. It's almost done, though.

4th October 2016, 7.50pm

Yesterday marked 11 months without self harm. I can't believe I'm so close to a year now. I'm so lucky to have people like Ben and Nick by my side through all of this. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be a year self-harm free next month.
In just 5 days, Nick and I will have been together for 3 months. It's crazy how fast the time has gone by. I'm so lucky to have him in my life... I really don't deserve him.
Today, I started over on my workout schedule. My back is finally good enough to be doing it again... Nick and I decided to start over on day 1, but he doesn't know that I'm planning on doing whatever day we are on plus the next day. I'm ready to be sore every day to get the results I want.... He's always trying to convince me that I am pretty and sexy, but I just don't see it...

19th September 2016, 7.34am

So, it's been a year since Zach left me. Without him, I've gotten my lip pierced, gotten super close to getting on the Dean's list, gone almost a year without cutting, and found someone who truly loves me for me. I am in such a better place than I was a year ago. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days but I'm stronger now and know I have people who've got my back.

19th September 2016, 7.34am

So, it's been a year since Zach left me. Without him, I've gotten my lip pierced, gotten super close to getting on the Dean's list, gone almost a year without cutting, and found someone who truly loves me for me. I am in such a better place than I was a year ago. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days but I'm stronger now and know I have people who've got my back.

15th September 2016, 9.34pm

Monday marked 45 weeks since I cut. I'm doing okay I guess. I had to go to urgent care on Tuesday evening. My back has gotten much worse. I'm currently on steroids, pain killers, and muscle relaxers...

6th September 2016, 7.19pm

I started my 3rd year of college today. I thought it was going to be great and fun.... I was wrong... I forget that I don't really have friends here... no one wants to hang out with me... so I'm just going to sit in my room and work out or read or do homework.... who needs friends anyways...? At least I'm not depressed... maybe I'll go for a walk later... I'm so busy already....

9th August 2016, 4.06pm

I was fired today. I loved my job and I have no idea what to do with myself these last few days before I head back to school. My work was one of the few things keeping me from my depression.... all I've done today is cry and go for a walk with Nick... he's at work now...

On the bright side, Nick and I have been together a month now. It feels like... I don't know exactly... he makes me happy... Ben says that this is the happiest he's ever seen me these past 2 years.

6th July 2016, 9.04pm

I've been doing really well since starting my job as a camp counselor. There's only been 1 day this past month where I wasn't okay but I was still able to handle it really well. It's been 8 months since I last cut. Nick and I are becoming pretty serious. He spent the night last night. It was perfect.

15th June 2016, 6.22pm

I'm almost done with my first week as a day camp counselor and god damn do I love my job!! Yeah, I'm super tired each day after work, but seeing the smiles on those kids faces each morning makes it totally worth it!

11th June 2016, 1.14pm

I've been doing really freaking amazing lately! I finished training for my summer job yesterday. I'm so excited to start on Monday! Life is actually going great and I'm so excited to see what happens next!!! :)

30th May 2016, 2.55pm

Today marks 30 weeks without cutting. Last night u was surprised by one of the exchange students I met 6 years ago. He's in the stated again for about 3 months. We caught up and talked a lot. It made me smile so damn much.

27th a may 2016, 9.52pm

I was super depressed this morning. I almost slit my wrists, to be completely honest. Ben talked me out of it, though. Then it started downpouring. It was wonderful and and made me giggle.

10.16am

There are still days where I wonder what I did to make David hit me. What had made him decide that I deserved to be hit? Did I actually deserve to be hit...? And I know how crazy it sounds... I sometimes wonder if I made any of it up. I didn't really talk to anyone about it when it was happening... maybe I did make it all up... I don't know...

26th May 2016, 12.28am

Yesterday was pretty good. I've been watching a lot of House M.D. lately. It's a really good show (in my opinion). I signed up for another 5k in August. I'm really excited, actually. I really missed running.

I'm having a bonfire on Saturday. It's going to be nice seeing everyone again. Ben might even be coming up for it. He's not sure yet and I'm assuming it's not going to happen, but it'd be nice to see him...

21st May 2016, 3.18pm

I ran a 5k today with my friend. We finished in 29 minutes. I'm really proud of us and I want to run another one!!!

18th May 2016, 9.21am

I'm actually starting to feel lost without a significant other. I've never been this long without someone to call my own. It's so weird. I like being single but at the same time it's pretty lonely. Friday will mark 200 days without cutting. I can't believe I've actually made it this long. I'm really proud of myself actually.

14th May 2016, 7.16pm

I cried yesterday. A lot. More Than I would like to admit. Most of it was stress mixed with feeling inadequate because of not having a boyfriend.

8th May 2016, 5.27pm

Yooooooo I'm 20 now. And it's Mother's Day. Cool.

7th May 2016, 11.10pm

I met Ben's alpha twin last night. She pretty much hated me immediately and made me feel extremely uncomfortable... otherwisr, I had a wonderful time at Dr. Schuler's retirement party.

6th May 2016, 11.38am

Today is the last day of classes for the semester. I have 5 finals next week. Two on monday, one on Tuesday l, and two on Wednesday. I leave for home Wednesday night. I've been crying a lot. The theatre has 20 seniors graduating between today and tomorrow.

3rd May 2016, 8.22pm

Today marks 6 months... and I want to throw it all away... I was actually having a really good day, too... I was productive, classes went well, I even got to see the musical I worked on finally... and then it all came crashing down... it always does... and once again I learn that I'm the annoying friend that people just put up with.... I need a cigarette...

2nd May 2016, 11.21pm

It's finally starting to really hit me that Ben is graduating on Saturday... I've know it was coming all year long but... I didn't think it would come up so fast... he was the first actual friend I made at college and he's been there for me through a lot. He always knows how to put a smile on my face and cheer me up even on my darkest days. We hang out almost every day and I just don't know what I'm going to do next year without him....

6.45pm

I'm still holding on.... going to try and take a nap... see if that helps... might shower later... might try to hang out with friends...

11.04am

I can't do this much longer... I can't hold on... I can't stop the urges... I'm weak... I'm nothing... I should have died 5 years ago.... why didn't I...? Why did I have to survive...? Why didn't I tie the noose right? Why did my friend have to come over that day...? Why did everything happen the way it did...?

27th April 2016, 2.11am

I wish I had cut tonight. I had so many opportunities to, but I didn't and I regret it. A lot.... maybe in the morning...

24th April 2016, 3.11pm

Today started off to a rough start, but I'm doing much better. I showered, made my bed, took out the garbage, walked to the store, made/ate lunch, and now I'm just chilling. I've been productive and that makes me really happy. I went hiking yesterday afternoon then I went for a walk last night. It was nice to get out on such a beautiful day.

11.32am

It was hard to get out if bed this morning. Both physically and mentally. At least I didn't completely bomb my quiz on wednesday. I got a C- which is a lot better than what I'd expected. Life's just hard today. I just want to sleep for a while, but I have homework to do.

22nd April 2016, 12.41am

So much for doing this daily haha. I'm so bad at this kind of thing.... oh well.

So, I'm finally starting to feel confident in my own skin again. It's taken me over 7 months or so to rebuild all the confidence I lost when I was broken down and torn apart by Zach. I'm so proud of myself for finally beginning to be happy with the way I look. Yeah, I could always be skinnier, prettier, ect but I love myself the way I am. I love my scars. I love my little belly. I love my thick thighs. I love me. And I'm so happy that I can finally say that and mean that again.

16th April 2016, 10.21pm

Today went well. I had an interview for a camp counselor position and was offered the job right on the spot.

15th April 2016, 10.50pm

I don't know. Today's just been blah. I'm doing a bit better. Glad to be away from school for the weekend. Sad to be away from some people though...

14th April 2016, 2.49pm

I'm doing a lot better today. It really helps that the weather has been extremely nice and I got to hang out with Ben for a while. We haven't been able to lately due to schedule conflicts so it just really made my day getting to hang out with him and play some pool. I got a lot of the stuff off my chest as well. I feel bad for going off on him the way I did, but he seemed to be understanding about it.

I register for next semester's classes at 3pm today. I'll be taking 16 credits. That's actually the least amount I will have taken besides when I dropped a class my first semester here and went down to 13 credits. I'm excited about my classes. I'm continuing with French classes and I will be working 2 shows. I'm also going to be taking Marching Band again and I'm actually applying to be the section leader for the clarinets. I'm excited but scared as hell. I'm going to be taking Theatre History 1, Scenic Painting, and World Civilization 2. Most of my classes are going to be on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I only have French and World Civ 2 discussions on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I'm going to see if I can move my World Civ class to Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's too much on MWF currently.

13th April 2016, 9.54am

I'm not doing any better. I have literally no friends. No one would care if I died. No one cares. No one would miss me.

8.20pm

I feel so alone. I feel like I have no friends. I haven't had any human contact since 3pm... I don't want to do anything... I want to cut... I want to die...

12th April 2016, 6.36pm

I'm going to try and write a post at least once a day from now on. They may not be long, but I need to stop holding things in until I break down in tears.

10th April 2016, 10.49pm

Why does the world seem so dark and awful when you sit in your room with just your thoughts...? All I can think about tonight is cutting or ending my life... I hate when I get into this sort of funk... no one seems to understand what I mean... maybe I just need some sleep....

9th April 2016, 11.15pm

I really hate how anxious I get... I accidently broke one of Ben's glasses and I was sure he'd be mad and yell at me for being a clutz... so while I waited for him to get out of the shower, I couldn't stop shaking while finishing the dishes.... once I told him, he wasn't mad though. It still weird me out some days. I was conditioned to know I'd get yelled at and hit if I messed up....

8th April 2016, 1.17am

The more I think about it, the happier I am that Zach left me. I've become happier and more confident than ever before. I'm starting to love myself and it's really fantastic. I don't think I would have been able to go as long as I have been without cutting if he and I were still together (I'm at 159 days!). I'm so much happier with where my life is headed, too.

7th April 2016, 1.03am

I really hate that u can think myself into a bad mood. I wish I could stop these thoughts but I just can't... I have no forms of stress relief currently... still drudging through recovery with the cutting and I can't smoke while I'm so sick.... I keep thinking one cut wouldn't hurt.... and maybe I'm right.... it'd make me feel better...

5th April 2016, 7.20am

My roommate has been getting on my nerves lately. She keeps getting on my case about things I can't control. For instance, she literally woke me up at 2am to tell me to turn onto my side because I was snoring. I'm sick. No matter what way I am laying, I am going to fucking snore. She keeps plugging my fish tank back in as well. I don't have a fish. He died. I keep trying to unplug it so that I can begin to clean it, but she always plugs it back in! She also keeps unplugging the fridge and then forgetting to plug it back in. I have had to throw away a lot of food because of it. It's just getting more and more ridiculous. I'm glad I won't be rooming with her next year.

In other words, tonight is the very last rehearsal for The Drowsy Chaperone. We open tomorrow and I'm so ready for this musical to be over.

4th April 2016, 10.21am

So, I currently have little to no voice. I'm just trying to stay away from all of the actors. We can't afford for any of them to get sick. We open on Wednesday. I can't believe we are almost done with this show.

3rd April 2016, 3.33am

Ben just really disappointed me... he is a dominate and decided to show off to some mutal friends tonight. It wouldn't have been a big deal, but he was tying up a girl that was drinking. She wasn't drunk, but she definitely was not sober. He broke one of his number one rules because he wanted to show off... I made it very clear I was disappointed and I feel bad for making him feel bad, but.... it needed to be done...

2nd April 2016, 8.44pm

I love how nothing I ever do is good enough. There's always something wrong with what I do... it's just great...

1st April 2016, 8.30am

My life just loves getting complicated... this is just great... awesome... so yeah... it's too early for this shit to be happening...

4.32pm

There are still quite a few days where I don't feel confident at all. I'm working on loving myself the way I am and it works most of the time. There's always going to be days where I don't love myself, though.

I was asked to be the assistant stage manager for the first play in the fall and then the stage manager for the second play. I'm really excited but completely terrified at the same time. I'm planning on trying to work backstage during the musical next year, too.

I'm planning on taking 16 credits next semester. Two of those credits are Practicums and one is Marching Band. I'm going to be so busy, but it's so worth it.

31st March 2016, 7.33am

Tonight's the last rehearsal before tech week starts. We get tomorrow off, but Saturday and Sunday are each going to be about 10 hours long. I can't believe we open next Wednesday already. There were a few hiccups last night but hopefully it'll be smoother tonight. Although I get really frustrated and stressed during rehearsal, it actually helps release stress since I'm running around and moving things and making sure people have the props they need.

My professor actually asked me if I would be interested in being an assistant stage manager again for the first play and then a stage manager for the second play. I said yes, but I'm worried about not being able to do band....

I have my advising meeting today at 3pm to go over classes and stuff for next semester... I have no idea what classes I want to take yet... I know I need French and scenic painting. I want to take marching band and another practicum. Hopefully I can squeeze in a science or speech class. I don't think I'm going to be able to take abnormal psychology, though.

3.15pm

Dear Zach,

Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for breaking me. Thank you for pushing me down to rock bottom.  Because of you, I am stronger now. Because of you, I know what I want and deserve in a relationship of any sort. Because of you, I know it's okay to say goodbye if it's better for your mental health. Because of you, I have become happier than I have been in years.

I know now that a lot of it had to do with me, but at the same time a lot of it was you. We weren't compatible. We didn't even have that much in common. I wasn't the best girlfriend. In fact, I was far from it. I was stubborn and pissy and never knew when to just shut the hell up.  You weren't the best boyfriend ever, either. You were cruel and always had to be right and treated me like a child. Now, I'm not saying you were completely awful. You were sweet and thoughtful and kind. There were times when you made me feel like I was incredibly special and loved. I'm always going to hold onto those fond memories of us.

I forgive you. I forgive you for all the times you put me down. I forgive you for all the times you put my schooling down. I forgive you for all the times you put my passions down. I forgive you for making me sob during classes. I forgive you for causing me immense amounts of mental pain. I forgive you for all of the emotional pain that you put me through. I forgive you for making me hate myself. I forgive you. You are only human.

Now, I ask that you forgive me. Forgive me for all of the times I ended up starting fights. Forgive me for all of the times that I caused you mental pain. Forgive me for all of the emotional pain I caused you. Forgive me for being so stubborn. Forgive me for making you worry all the time. Forgive me for being human. I'm not going to beg nor plead for your forgiveness. I just ask that you consider it for I am only human and make mistakes. Unfortunately, many of my mistakes ended up hurting you.

I wish no ill upon you. I have no bad feelings towards you. What happened, happened. Honestly, I applaud you for being able to leave in order to retain your own mental health. I hope you find happiness. I hope you find peace. Whatever those two things may be, I hope you find them. I know that I'm getting closer to those two things every day that I continue to work on myself.

Our good times will always be in my memories and in my heart. I'm still trying to let the bad times go, but I'm getting closer each day. Some things just aren't meant to be.

29th March 2016, 12.09am

Yesterday marked 21 weeks without cutting. I think that's the longest I've been in a long while... I don't know how to feel about it to be honest.

25th March 2016, 11.46am

I really can't wait until I never have to see my sister again. I'm tired of being blamed for her losing things... it's not my fault she has no see of organization or anything like that.

I've been talking to this really sweet guy lately. He makes me so freaking happy. I just wish I had the time to go see him...

24th March 2016, 6.17am

I just had a nightmare that woke me up... I was cuddling with this guy that I've been talking to recently but suddenly, he turned into David.... and he started choking me and screaming at me... I couldn't make out what he was saying though... it was terrifying...

22nd March 2016, 9.44pm

Today marks 20 weeks without cutting. That's 140 days. It doesn't seem like much, but it's getting easier...

20th March 2016, 8.52pm

I know remember why I just don't come home. This place is toxic to me and is part of the reason I'm not better yet. I just need to get out and away from them... Thursday can't come soon enough...

19th Match 2016, 9.37pm

I miss having someone to love. I miss being loved by someone.

18th March 2016, 8.32pm

Nothing really new. Just home for spring break.

15th March 2016, 7.08pm

Rehearsal got moved back from 630 to 730 for tonight. I haven't been feeling well, so I slept for a couple hours. I think I stressed myself out too much.

So I just realized something today. I really don't have anyone that I can talk to about my depression anymore. I have Ben and Sean. That's it really. I mean, it's not like I've really needed anyone to talk to about it lately. I've actually been getting better at taking care of things myself, which is nice. I can't believe that I'm almost to 20 weeks without cutting. It feels good to have control over it again.

10.01pm

Today, campus got shut down. There was reportedly a firearm in one of the building so they evacuated campus. Thank god for having Ben. He let me stay with him in his room while we waited for more news. He kept me calm and even had a plan if they told us to leave campus. I need to start being more prepared like he was...

14th March 2016, 2.15am

Today marks 19 weeks self harm free! I'm so proud of myself!!

In other news, my 8am starts today. Oopssssss~~~.... my alarm is set for 6.30am... I should probably sleep hahaha

12th March 2016, 2.31pm

I'm so tired of coming in second to everyone else.... I just need someone who loves me and can actually keep plans for once...

11th March 2016, 10.03

I turn in my Drafting midterm today. I'm so glad I finished it and I think I did at least fairly well on it.

Rehearsals are going well. I'm glad we don't have rehearsal on Monday. Gives me a bit of a break. Hoping Spring Break is nice and relaxing.

I've been thinking about how Zach said that my education is preschool for adults. I don't think he understood all of the time that goes into my work. I mean, draftings can take me hours. Especially when I'm not using a 1 inch scale. For my midterm, we were using 1/2 inch scale. I'm just glad it wasn't something super odd. Yeah, for my major I get to draw and color a lot. That doesn't mean it's easy. I'd love to see him try and do the things I do for classes. If it's so easy, he should be able to get an A no problem, right? Even with a crap ton of practice, I'm only getting B's. I just wish more people undestood how much work actually goes into a Theatre major.

8th March 2016, 11.45am

A bad day does not equal a bad life.... I need to remember that....

It's only 2 months until I'm no longer a teenager. It's a weird feeling.

7th March 2016, 8.57am

So, I've been really depressed lately. I'm trying to not let it stop me, though.

I have to perform a sonnet for my Voice and Diction class today... I'm absolutely terrified. I could only memorize 6 lines....

12.13pm

I eat lunch at a table with of bunch of people from the anime club. One of them came to the table crying because a close friend attempted suicide last night and it looks like they won't make it. It really puts it into perspective for me. I feel like no one would notice or care if I died, but I see now that even people I'm not that close to would be affected and care...

3rd March 2016, 7.34am

Today marks 4 months without cutting. I'm actually really proud of myself! There isn't much going on right now. Just rehearsals. I think I might actually be ready to date again, too.

1st March 2016, 11.22am

Yesterday marked 17 weeks without cutting. I'm so glad that I've been able to stay strong for so long. I've been cutting people out of my life that bring me down and are detrimental to my mental health.

Today is National Self Injury Awareness Day. I'm not doing anything special, but I made a post on Facebook. If you're struggling with self harm, please talk to someone.

28th February , 10.30am

So I got a surprise yesterday. Jordan, the guy I went on a date with in January, came out to see me. We went for a 5 mile walk and then came back go my room and just talked. It was nice.

12.09pm

I haven't had any human interaction in 19 hours. I haven't eaten in 24 hours.

27th February 2016, 6.51am

Going on 14 hours without human interaction... thought that was gonna change... Jordan, the guy I went on a date with in like January, had texted me last night saying he was gonna visit... he messaged me this morning at 6am saying that he made other plans since I didn't answer fast enough thus morning.... always gonna be a second option, I guess...

26th February 2016, 7.29pm

We're playing a game to see how long I can go without talking this weekend. I don't have anyone to hang out with and my roommate is gone for the weekend. So far, I haven't spoken since 5pm today.

25th February 2016, 12.31am

 Yes, it's been over 5 months since Zach and I broke up. No, I'm not ready for another relationship yet. I'll admit, I'm a lot happier now that I'm single and have time to focus on myself more. And I understand why he decided to leave me a lot more. You and your health come first in anything and I'm glad he was able to see that. I don't have any bad feelings for him and I wish him the best. I truly enjoyed our time together, but I see the bitter end now. That's more what I miss, I think. I don't miss him, but I miss the memories that we shared. And yeah, sometimes that means I cry over really stupid things that just happen to remind me of the times we shared. Just because I miss the memories doesn't mean I want him back. At first I did, but as I've been discovering myself I've realized that he and I weren't meant to be. I'm happy being single right now. I'm enjoying my freedom, but yeah I have my moments where I think I miss him still. Those moments have become far and few between, but they do still happen.

23rd February 2016, 10.14pm

I'm absolutely exhausted... It's only Tuesday and I'm already out of energy... I got screamed at yelled at most of the weekend... Now I have another friend upset with me... I can't handle all of this... I'm just glad they don't need me for the musical rehearsal tomorrow...

11.14am

Having a mental breakdown before noon... yay...

10.38am

I'm done being nice. I'm done trying to make friends. I'm done keeping people in my life... I'm never good enough... I will never be good enough... glad I finally figured that one out...

21st February 2016, 1.36am

So much for having good friends.... I'm just going to start cutting everyone off.... I'm just a nuisance apparently.....

19th February 2016, 11.30pm

I have some really amazing friends and I'm so lucky that they've stuck by my side through so much.

The 15th marked 15 weeks without cutting. I'm learning to take it day by day for now while I'm still working on myself. I want to start looking at the big picture, but I need to work on myself first and that is gonna take time.

10.15pm

Would I be prettier without my scars? Would I be more desirable if I wore make up more often? Will anyone ever love me for who I am....? I doubt it...

15th February 2016, 12.48am

I'm going to bed with a smile on my face tonight and I think it's gonna stay there for a while this time.

1.47pm

Today was supposed to be Zach's and my 1 1/2 year anniversary... I started crying at lunch... we were debating about a gun and I kept getting interrupted.... it reminded me of when Zach and I would argue... I wish we still had the chance to... I'd take arguing with him over being single any day.... I miss him so much...

23.43pm

Only 18 more minutes until I am on Day 100 of no self harm. I'm really proud of myself. I've been severely tempted these past couple days but I've stayed strong. Let's see if I can make it to 200 days. :)

9th February 2016, 1.01am

I am but an angel that wishes to go home.....

8th February 2016, 11.37pm

When does it get easier...? When will it stop hurting? When will I be able to think back to those 12 months we had together and not want to cry? I just can't seem to fully get over him.... every time I think I'm doing better, I see something that reminds me of him and I just want to sob...

Only other news is that I am 14 weeks without cutting now.... I guess that's good...

4th February 2016, 10.54pm

So yesterday marked 3 months without cutting so woooo!! I think I might actually be able to do this. My urges are coming around a lot less frequently and they're manageable when they do come rearing their ugly head.i have plenty of people I can talk to about stuff now and I just feel... happier...

3rd February 2016, 12.31am

I almost cut yesterday... I don't know why yesterday was so bad but it was. I was sharpening my knife, getting ready to cut but then I got a message from Ben asking when I was going to be coming over... I literally dropped everything and went over by him immediately... it definitely helped me rethink it, but I still want to... my wrist is still itching for the blade... too bad I'm stronger than the urges. I refuse to give in. I'm going to be okay. I just need to give it time...

2nd February 2016, 1.12am

I'm not really doing okay right now. It started out as me just being mellow, but it slowly progressed into me wanting to end my life. I hate how I can't seem to have a good day sometimes, but then I think about it and realize I do have good days a lot. The depression hides the good memories from me in order to make me cynical and pessimistic. I just need to remember to keep my chin up and lean on someone when I need it.

In other news, as of yesterday I am 13 weeks without cutting. It'll be 100 days on the 10th of this month. I don't know how to feel about that yet. Like, it's good that I'm making progress but I'm terrified of relapsing and having no motivation to try again... I'm not sure how to feel about a lot of things lately...

28th January 2015, 11.21pm

I have 28,800 MG of ibuprofen in my possession... I am severely depressed right now... this is why I am choosing to go to sleep rather than staying up and letting my thoughts get too out of hand...

27th January 2016, 5.41pm

So, my ribs are hurting so much that I have an appointment at the Student Health Center tomorrow morning. If nothing else, I'm hoping for some heavy duty pain killers and maybe muscle relaxers. I'm fairly certain that it's just a bruised muscle.

24th January 2016, 3.59pm

My head is aching. I've had plenty of water and sleep so I have no idea what is wrong. Tomorrow marks 12 weeks without cutting. It doesn't sound like a lot, but that's 84 days and I'm pretty sure this is the longest I've gone in a while. I hardly even have the urge to cut anymore. Being back in school is helping as well.

11.26pm

I just want these feelings to go away. I just want these urges to stop. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit so why haven't I stopped craving your touch...?

19th January 2016, 8.56am

Classes start up again today. I only have two classes a day, so it should be a fairly laid back semester for me. As of yesterday I am 77 days without cutting. I'm actually really happy about this soooo yeah. Not much else to discuss. Not sure if I will continue blogging or not due to some unforeseen circumstances that my ex has caused.

15th January 2016, 4.13pm

New year, clean me.