21st November 2015, 5.46pm

So I've just begun to realize how much I have truly kept quiet about everything that David put me through. At first I did it because I was trying to deny that it ever was happening/had happened. Then, when I tried to open up about it, I was called a liar and told I was attention seeking. I haven't really talked about it since. I've gotten over most of what happened, but I still have my days. I feel like I should try and talk about it, but at the same time I would rather not bring up those memories and feelings.

Which reminds me. Today was Rainbow Rave (I'm going to the Drag Show at 7pm). It was a lot of fun. Ben knew one of the people on the panel and he warned me about him. I honestly didn't even need the warning. Once the guy made eye contact with me, I just had an instant gut feeling

16th November 2015, 4.28pm

Today was the last day of the marching band season. We handed in music and uniforms. It's always been a fairly bittersweet moment for me just because I love marching band and the people, but pep band season starts on Wednesday! I don't think there will ever come a day that I don't enjoy playing music with these two groups of people.

I think I fucked everything up between Peter and I today. I've had this pit in my stomach all yesterday and today. When he told me that he had told his mother about me, I think everything suddenly became all to real. Don't get me wrong, I like him... A lot... I just don't think I'm truly ready for another relationship yet and it wouldn't be fair to him because I would keep comparing him to Zach... I hope he'll still let me come see him on 25th November... Maybe once we are in person, it will be different... Maybe everything will fall into place... I don't know.

So this weekend, there were terrorist attacks in Paris. After trying to get ahold of everyone out there that I know, I heard back from them all the next morning saying that they were safe. The death toll is currently at 150 people. It makes me sick that people can just go out and kill other people in the name of religion. Almost all religions have a message of peace... How can killing another human being be sanctioned by a religion?

I've been crying a lot again. I started crying during Gay and Lesbian Drama today. I almost had to walk out because I wasn't sure that I could get it under control...

12th November 2015, 10.40pm

I am so happy today! I've made it over a week without cutting, I have Peter in my life, and I've been singing and cleaning! I get to see mom and Caitie on Saturday for the game and then we are going to go out for mom's birthday. Then I have Last Blast on Sunday! I'm so freaking excited!!!!

10th November 2015, 8.21am

I'm actually doing surprisingly well today. When I woke up this morning, I was kind of expecting to cry or to not be able to function, but I got up and dressed just fine with time to spare even. I don't know. Maybe it will hit me later in the day. I have a fairly busy day today at least to help keep my mind on other things.

Peter and I have been talking a lot more. We're starting to really hit it off. Too bad he leaves at the end of November for basics... He won't be back until mid-February and then he'll leave again for a year.  I'm really proud of him, but I'm going to miss him a whole heck of a lot when he leaves. I'm going to try and see him when I'm home for Thanksgiving.

8th November 2015, 11.09pm

Today was a really good day actually. I stayed in bed for a long time just chilling then I went to the PSC and drew a bit. I was trying to catch the Redskins game, but there was someone else on the tv watching the Packers game... I sang a lot too. That was a lot of fun.  Then Ben came back from Madison and we went to dinner and hung out.  Overall, today was really great.  Now I'm just Snapchatting with Sean and Peter.

6.53pm

I just had a major... panic attack... I think... I'm not actually sure what happened... I just couldn't handle any light or sound and was barely able to breathe... It lasted just about 2 hours and I'm finally calm enough to eat and listen to some music... I messaged a couple people while it was happening.. Brandon, my friend from West Bend, called me immediately... Hearing someone's voice helped a lot... I was able to get my breathing under control then. Then Gina and Kyle messaged me at the same time and I've been feeling a lot better since talking to them.

7th November 2015, 3.27pm

This week was fairly good. I was a bit sick on Thursday but that cleared up fairly quickly.  I suddenly had two or three mental breakdowns during classes on Thursday, but I felt a lot better afterwards. Ben and I went out to Texas Roadhouse last night to celebrate his birthday.  Nothing big happened this week.  Besides Thursday, I've been really okay actually.

Tomorrow is my stepmum's birthday and then the 19th is my mum's birthday. Mum and Caitie are coming out next weekend for the football game and Last Blast so we can celebrate mum's birthday.

2nd November 2015, 7.55pm

Damn me and my god damn anxiety attacks... Damn my lack of impulse control... Damn my workload... Damn every god damn thing about life right now...

1st November 2015, 11.54pm

This weekend actually went really well. Yeah, there were a couple of bumps along the way but it all turned out all right. I finally felt okay enough to take one of my knives back from Ben. I wasn't ready to take back my big heavy one yet though.

I think I'm slowly starting to get over Zach in my own weird way. I think what I miss most is being in a relationship more than I miss being with him in particular. I feel like that somehow makes everything better.

I find it kind of funny that everyone thinks that Ben and I are a couple. What they don't realize is that he is one of maybe three friends I have out here. Plus we have a class together and we work together. It makes hanging out real easy.

Lately I have been feeling my depression slowly seeping up, but it actually hasn't been anything I can't handle. I'm thinking of going to a sexual assault therapy group thing tomorrow. Even if I don't talk a lot, it'd be nice to feel less alone. The only problem is that it starts at 4pm, but I have band until 5pm... I still might go for a bit. I feel like it would do me some good to say some of the stuff out loud rather than just typing about it.

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things lately. It's kind of odd, but I'm really starting to become who I've always wanted to be. I smile a lot more when I look in the mirror and others have started to notice. I should really go to bed soon... I don't want to though. I'm tired but I'm not... I need sleep.