30th May 2014, 8.47am

I AM FUCKING DONE! Everyone is fighting with someone and I just get fucking yelled at for trying to help. I'm already depressed and don't fucking need it! Do you people not understand how much your fighting hurts all of your other friends too? Are you all too immature to just let it go??

GROW UP ALREADY!!

We graduate next fucking week, guys. I'm just done with all of this. Come find me when it's over because I'm just not getting involved anymore. I don't want to hear from any of you until you guys fucking figure it out. Bye.

29th May 2014, 8.51am

So this is my tattoo. It's on my left shoulder blade. It's a compass and the letters are LOST. LOST is a class I've been teaching at my camp for 5 years. It stands for Learning Outdoor Skills Together. I am the main instructor for that part of camp and do mostly compass work with all of the age groups that I see. This is my last year to do this camp and be able to be a teacher, so I wanted to get this to commemorate that. I've been going to this camp for almost 13 years now and it has been what keeps me from cutting for at least a week during each summer because I have a lot of younger kids look up to me while I am there. I wouldn't have some of the friends I have today if it hadn't been for this camp.

2.19pm

So the other blog I'm doing isn't real. It is for my AP Psychology class. Just a heads up. And it will probably get deleted at the end of school. I'm open to any ideas or if I am portraying something wrong, please feel free to correct me.

28th May 2014, 12.20pm

I GET MY TATTOO TODAY!!!!! I'm super excited!!!! I promise to post a picture later but AHHH!! My heart is racing, because I really want to get it RIGHT NOW!

27th May 2014, 12.21pm

I feel lost. My stomach is begging for food, but I feel as though I can't keep anything down. This weekend was too long and there were far too many tears shed over people who don't matter.

23rd May 2014, 11.07am

We are outside again today for my AP literature class. There are a few kids just doing cartwheels. It's kind of funny to watch since some of them really suck at it. It's so nice out today. I wish I didn't have to go to work later, but whatever. I seriously love the people in this class. They are so funny and kind. I love the chemistry in this class. This is the only class that really has this kind of attitude towards all of the participants. Everyone just gets along so well.

11.25am

We went outside for my AP literature and composition class. It isn't as warm as it has been this year, but it's still nice out. I like this. We are done with our project so we are just laying in the grass doing whatever we want. I really like this. I love going outside for classes. I'm just laying in the grass in shorts and a tank top. I even took off my shoes. I just have youtube going in the background. I love it! This has literally been the highlight of my day so far!! I adore the outdoors, I really do.

22nd May 2014, 8.36am

I'm having a lot of trouble with just accepting myself lately... I've convinced a few of my friends that I'm sick which makes today a lot easier. I don't have to talk much if at all. I like that... It's just one of those days where the abyss of depression has swallowed me whole and I don't know why I bother anymore. I broke down crying last night and tried to text my best friend Shyelynn but instead texted David who I have as Shithead in my phone just so I know it's him. They look the same through blurry eyes... All he said was that it wasn't Shye. I just didn't even answer... I tried again but she was asleep... I ended up crying my eyes out will holding a blade until I finally passed out. I feel like I'm losing all control that I had finally gained over all of this bullshit. Guess not....

I mean, I am actually sick, but my friends believe that it's my throat when really it's my stomach. It's been in knots for a good 2 days... I hate it... I hate life at this point.... Too bad my sister's home now... Makes it a lot harder to plan a suicide.

On a happier note, I got my graduation tickets today. We only have 9 days of classes left and I am totally okay with that. I'm ready to be done with high school. I can't believe that this is my last full week of high school ever, though.

12.26pm

Today's been pretty good actually. I have a band concert tonight. I'm kind of glad that Sean doesn't know about this blog. I think it would hurt him to see how much I've been hurting. I worry about him knowing more about me.... I dowbt that he would still want to be with me if he knew everything....

8.49am

I just made my other account on admin on here, too. The name that will be posting is Alive. I plan on adding a picture for that account, too. There's a lot of things I need to get done before graduation....

21st May 2014, 8.26am

I don't really know what to talk about anymore... My life has kind of hit this plateau of sameness. I haven't cut in just over 12 weeks. I guess that's good, but I still want to. Sean and I are doing fine, but David's been calling me and texting me again. I just wish he'd leave me alone.... I don't know if I'm going to continue blogging after I graduate on the 8th. I mean, I'll have my own laptop then rather than the school's but I still have to figure out how to let my other account take over.... It hasn't been working.... And this account gets shut down a few days after graduation. It's a pretty big concern for me....

19th May 2014, 10.38am

I just feel ugly and fat today. I don't know if I am going to eat lunch much less dinner....

14th May 2014, 8.35am

Today's a half day. I also work tonight, but I'm thinking of calling in sick because I really need sleep.... My head is pounding since I haven't been sleeping much, if at all, at night.

Tomorrow, my friend and I want to do senior skip day. Since we are both 18, we were thinking of going to a casino and playing bingo. I just hope my mum will be willing to call me in.

10.13am

I feel like I don't have any friends anymore. I feel like I'm just a ride or someone they can complain to. I hate it.

13th May 2014, 8.29am

I am surrounded by IDIOTS. I hate my literary visions class because it is full of redneck assholes and bitches. I like maybe three people in this entire class. I want today to go by quickly. I just feel like sleeping. I don't really have much to talk about, I'm just super bored. I've finished everything for this class besides one assignment. I just don't know what to write about. I was thinking about doing something really personal just to fuck with her, but I'm not sure.

8.51am

Just finished. I think it looks good but yeah....

12th May 2014, 8.22am

Literary Visions is the worst class. We have to write a six word memoir. I came up with a few but I think I'm going to use "Been there, done that. Never again." I just like the way it sounds. I'll post the little picture later. I think it looks cool but that's just me.

7th May 2014, 10.48am

That scary moment in class where you can smell gas and the room you are in is connected to the boiler room.

2.13pm

I can't keep my mind off of David. I haven't heard from him in two days. I'm worried, but I know my best friend still talks to him which eases my mind a tad. I don't think I'm ever going to stop worrying about him... I mean, we were together for over nine months. What's a girl to do?

I think Sean asked me out last night. I really don't know though. I'm still confused about all of that... I'll ask him after I get off work tonight, I guess. I have work from 4-8pm tonight. I really hate work. I just want to sleep. I'm still planning on calling in sick on Friday because I just really don't want to have to deal with them. My brain is mush from yesterday's exam still.

I saw Zach again last night. It was the first time in over a year that we've seen each other in person. It was kind of nice. He really hasn't changed much besides the piercings. He has a girlfriend. Her name is Mary. He isn't happy with her though. He wants to have options again, but she is literally head over heels for him and he doesn't want to break her heart. I have given him advice and he's shot it down every time so I've kind of given up on that one. I'm really tired....

6th May 2014, 8.56am

No. Just fucking no. I don't want to be around anymore, but I don't want to kill myself. I see only one solution. Run away. Get the fuck out of this god forsaken town and just keep going.

5th May 2014, 10.14am

Today, I have my AP psychology exam to try and earn some college credits. I feel like I'm going to fail miserably. On Thursday, I take my AP literature and composition exam. I'm not as worried about that one. English is easy for me.

On Friday (2nd May), I left my abusive relationship with David. He has tried to get back together with me, but I have denied him every time. I don't want to hurt anymore. As of yesterday, it seems like he has accepted it. We do still talk, but I don't really want to at this point.

There is another guy, but I've already told him that I need some time to move on. He understands completely and thinks it's for the best if we wait. His name is Sean. He lives in Menomonee Falls and lives just down the road from my father. I really like him. He is terribly sweet and caring and loving and affectionate. He doesn't want sex really he just wants to cuddle with me and hold me in his arms. I really like that about him. He has this unique quirkiness to him and it fascinates me. He is so caring and sweet. I know I already said that, but still. He also is into the whole Neko thing, which is nice because I really want to be able to wear my ears more once I receive my tail in the mail (I ordered it 1st May). He isn't the best looking, but I don't really care. He's adorable in his own ways. He's so cuddly and affectionate.

I can't believe I only have 3 more days until my 18th birthday. I don't feel like I'm any older than say my freshman year of high school. It's strange to think that I will be going into college this coming fall. It's hard to wrap my head around that. Haha!