***Warning! Content below may be triggering***
I think I am finally ready to talk about some of my past with you guys, just... Don't freak out, okay? I mean my past isn't completely bad but there's a lot more bad than good. Fuck I don't even remember what I've told you guys already....
I guess it all started in the fall of 2004. I was in third grade and my parents had first split up (they got divorced the following spring). I had always been a big daddy's girl and still am. The divorce hit me pretty hard back then. In the fall of 2006, my father got remarried to my step mother. I was in fifth grade at that time and cried at the wedding because it meant that my parents were never going to get back together.
That next year I entered middle school and experienced bullying for the first time. I was called fat, ugly, etc. It really took it's toll on my self esteem. That same year, my first baby brother was born. In 2008, I entered seventh grade and the bullying got even worse. I was called a lesbian every day because I was willing to hug my friends. I was called fat because I ate when I was hungry. I was called ugly because I refused to wear dresses/skirts and make up. That's the year I start cutting. At first I only did it when I came home crying, but by the end of the school year I was cutting every day. Throughout that summer I only wore jeans and sweatshirts because I figured out that I could cut anywhere on my body, not just my wrists. In eighth grade I was subjected to even more bullying. One of my friends ended up trying to kill herself. That was my first introduction to suicide. After that, I was hooked. I became obsessed with death and pain and suffering. I began to play the choking game by myself. Throughout that entire year I had been starving myself and my lowest weight was around 120 lbs. I loved it and I thought I looked beautiful that way. That year, I also had my first "long term" relationship. I was with this boy from October 9th, 2009 until April 2010. He didn't actually know about my cutting habits or the suicidal thoughts until we became freshman in high school.
I was still starving myself by the time I started my freshman year. I became kind of popular my freshman year with, what you could say, the "wrong crowd". A few seniors that I had met through my band class had become interested in me and who was I to turn them down? I hung out with them a lot and even got involved with one by the end of the year. BUT before getting involved with the senior boy, I was sexually assaulted during spring break that year. It was by a boy that I knew who is a year older than I. I don't feel like going into detail about it, but he stalked me for the next two years (until he graduated) and I ended up in a psych ward after the sexual assault because I had tried to kill myself about a week after he had done it. He wouldn't stop texting me and Facebooking me about how good it had felt for him and if it had felt that good for me. I couldn't take it anymore so I tried hanging myself, but my best friend came and got me down. She held me while I cried and told her everything. One of my teachers found out about my little stunt and I got sent to the counseling office with my mother. That's how I got sent to the psych ward. It was the worst week of my life because for an entire week I was told how it had been my fault and how I couldn't possibly be anorexic because I was still fat.
By the time I got back, I had lost friends and the boyfriend I had been with because I was "too crazy to deal with". I felt alone and I turned to burning, cutting, and smoking. I felt alone and I just wanted to feel better about myself. I quit smoking after about a year. I stopped burning after about three years, but I still cut. I still get bullied day in and day out. A lot of people don't see it, but it does happen. My relationships have all been abusive in some way or another. I have been physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused. I finally lost the name as the school slut after the guy who sexually assaulted me graduated and moved away (he had gone around bragging about how easy I was even though we didn't have sex).
So yeah. There's the majority of it. Sorry this took so long to write (I'm assuming it takes a while to read as well). I appreciate you reading this entire thing and I'm sorry for blogging about this....
EDIT
I didn't put EVERYTHING down. Just the absolute most important, but there's actually more (including another sexual assault).
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