2.32pm

Today's just been a really tiring day and it's not even over yet. I don't think I can really handle this. I don't like this feeling. I feel empty and sick and upset. I just don't want to go any where or do anything. 

My friend is still freaking out on me for last night. I don't just want attention. I truly want to die. I just can't really handle life because I just can't do this. Life is so complicated and my mind is throbbing. My heart is bleeding. I just want to cry. I can't cry though. I'm in school still, I just can NOT cry.

10.39am

I feel so bad! I ended up keeping my one friend up past 3am this morning because he was so worried about me... I need to stop telling people my plans.... a;sldfkj

31st January 2014 9.45am

I've been really depressed lately.  I ended up having to pull over as I was driving home last night just to keep myself from driving off the road at full speed into a tree. My head is still pounding from the desire to die. Doesn't help that I just took my AP statistics test. Fuck my head really hurts... I need to just sleep but I can't I have so much shit to get done.

I still want to kill myself, but I'm holding off for now.  I got real close to trying last night.... Bloody hell my fucking head!  I can feel it throbbing... Can I just go lay in the snow and die? You don't even have to bury me. Just put me in the woods for some animals to eat.  I'm okay with that...

30th January 2014 9.12am

I still haven't decided what I want to do about everything. I was on omegle.com last night and talking to people who had their interest as suicide. A lot of them were planning on trying last night.  By the end of our conversations, they seemed to want  to live at least a little bit but I ended up feeling even worse. I just don't know what to do. Whenever I help other people I end up feeling worse. My fiance called last night and asked if I was okay and I lied to him.  I kept telling him I was fine and he should stop worrying so much. He listened to me and hung up after a minute or two. I feel bad for lying, but he was already stressed out....

I don't know if anyone I know is actually reading this, but if you are someone I know I'm sorry. I allow my mind to run wild as long as my fingers can keep up. Through this blog, I have come out about how truly depressed I am and how much I really want to die. I just... I am so sorry...  Not only to the people I know, but the ones I don't who end up reading this. I worry that some day I won't be able to stop myself from ending it all. If that happens, I'm sorry for hurting you guys.  I really do care about all of you, but I don't know how much longer I can handle this anymore.

58400 mg of ibuprofen

all of it's in my hands as I type this... i can smell the pills... is it worth it? fuck. yes.

The bottle is in my hand

not knowing what's to come.

Careful to pour every

last

drop

down the throat.

Down the bottle

as tears stream

down the face.

29th January 2014 9.26am

I feel physically ill and I just want to go sleep. I keep thinking about going back to the ward. I can't get my mind off of it. 

Fuck... I just want to kill myself.  It'd be a hell of a lot easier then all of this bullshit I put up with Like for fuck sake!!!

9.44pm

I feel like I've been getting worse. I talked to my fiance about going back into therapy or on meds again. He thinks I don't need any of that.  He thinks I just need time and to be cuddled. Too bad he lives over 130 miles away... I've also been thinking about going back to the psych ward... The only thing really keeping me from going is I know how expensive it is even with insurance... I know we can't afford it and I don't want to have to put people through that again.  Besides, I didn't have that great of an experience last time I was there.  I don't know how much longer I can handle this on my own though. I mean, I know I have other people I can lean on but I can't depend on them forever. Much less until I can climb out of this hole I'm trapped in. I do think that this blog is helping me even if it's only a little bit.

4.33pm

I feel fat.  I hate my weight.... My goal is to get down to 120lbs by college in the fall... I currently weight 187lbs... I'm done being fat.  I'll do anything to be thin again even if it kills me.

28th January 2014 1.21pm

We had a too cold for school day so I've just been at home watching Netflix and working on my Fluttershy cosplay.  I had a lot of thoughts going through my head last night and this morning.  I jues.  I don't really know what to make of them. It's not very often that I hope to end up back in the hospital but sometimes I really think it would be for the best, you know?

A Glance Through Life

Just last night.

Little girl all dressed up

but no where to go,

Just standing at the curb

hand in hand, with a

Little boy all dressed up

and no where to go.

Young woman all dressed up

for a date tonight.

Standing hand in hand, with a 

Young man all dressed up,

Taking the woman to dinner.

Young woman all dressed up,

crying on the side of the road.

Young man all dressed up,

In the car, dead against the steering wheel.

Young woman all dressed in black.

Looking at the man

in the coffin.

She holds his little sister.

Little girl all dressed up,

crying for her brother.

just.. just gonna put that there

1 Week

I know it isn't much but I haven't cut in a week as of today.  I already want to break again, though. I owe my mother over 400$ because of a misunderstanding... I don't have that kind of money! I hardly have 20$... I just... I don't know what I can do at this point... My work refuses to give me more than 6 hrs a week so I get screwed over and I just want to hurt.

2.20pm

This character is from one of my favorite TV shows from the 90's.  I didn't actually start watching this show until after it was cancelled, but I fell in love within the first few moments of the very first episode.  If you don't know who this is, it's Gir from the show Invader Zim.  I loved it. Still do in fact. Gir always makes me happy.  I used to watch it after I would come home at night from the psych ward (I was an outpatient so I was allowed to go home at nights). This show made my days more bearable and my dreams less frightening. After a few days in the ward, the hours began to blend together.  This show helped break up the days into true dates. I... I don't want to say I wouldn't be alive still if it hadn't been for Invader Zim, but I do think that it kept me sane through all of the therapy and med changes. I guess I felt like I connected with the characters on a deeper level than any person I had come in contact with up to that point.  I have a few of the DVDs for the show. Not all of them yet.  I should get the rest.  I just... I don't have any money to spend right now, but I will deal. I hope everyone out there that's facing problems (big or small) finds something like this to help them get through the day... I don't want to hear about more kids dying because they couldn't take life anymore or they were being bullied.  I'm done and I refuse to become just another statistic.

12.27pm

I just don't know what to do anymore......  I have two friends who are mad at each other and I'm just here depressed as fuck.  If you have any advice, I'm willing to listen... Please...

10.10am

FUCK EVERYONE!!! I'm done with everything! I'm about in tears because of this god forsaken school! I can't handle the pressures of life... I shouldn't be here any longer.  I'm truly thinking of ending my life.  There really isn't a reason for me to live... I fucking hate my classes and my family and just my situation in general......

Suicide seems like it will make the most sense to get ride of all of these problems... I'm just done at this point....  I can't handle life anymore... I... I can't do this...  I'm in fucking tears... Why the fuck didn't I bring a blade to school?!?!

27th January 2014 9.10am

What in the hell is this shit!? I'm sitting in class freezing my ass off because our school system is fucking nuts!!  One county over there are over 200 closings but no we are open.  It's bullshit....  I still want to cut.  I don't really know why but I'm thinking about cutting once I get home... Maybe.  I just can't deal with the fact of life. It's too fucking hard to live in WI... Too fucking cold for too much of the year.  I'm just done with life.  Maybe I should just kill myself.  Fuck if I know... 

27th January 2014 5.50am

I woke up wanting to cut... Great way to start the day right? I have school today too.  It's fucking -15 degrees out!  Fucking bullshit.  I want to just stay in bed all day and cry.  I don't think I can deal with people today.

26th January 2014 9.39pm

My mind has been so preoccupied today... All I want to do is cut... No reason for it besides to feel that rush of the cool blade upon my warm skin... Slowly sinking deeper into my flesh as a thin red line appears amidst the pink sea of my arm.  Letting my energy back into the universe... Doesn't that sound wonderful...?  Perhaps I should... I mean, recovery is overrated isn't it?

26th January 2014 8.41am

I woke up about an hour ago now from a dream... Well, I guess it was more of a nightmare than anything.  I dreamed that I had found the love of my life but he left me because of my path.  I ended up hanging myself....   So yeah...

I have work again today.  Not really looking forward to it.  I work at a fast food restaurant and lately they have been training me to make the sandwiches but yesterday they put me back on fries.  It fucking pissed me off.

I should probably write about last night a bit, huh...?  At the hotel that he was staying at, we cuddled and talked about our pasts.  It got me really depressed and I ended up biting myself until I broke the skin.  He wasn't too happy with me after that.  By the end of the night, before he took me home, I ended up sitting in the snow crying.  He didn't even notice...

10.31am

My mother saw what I did.  She asked questions.  I gave vague answers.  They made her happy... Time to get ready for work.

25th January 2014

I truly won't have much time to write today.  I have work and then I will be busy with other things that will hopefully keep my mind off of suicide.  It doesn't help that I have a migraine.  I hope to recount the day once I get home, but I don't know when I will be getting home.  I just know it will be late. 

A few days ago I found out that my younger cousin has been cutting for over a year now.  Seems like everyone in my family is fucked up.  My mum used to cut, my cousins on my father's side are suicidal and homicidal, I'm a cutter, and now this.  Is no one in my family safe or is it just an inherent fact of life that everyone goes through at one time or another?  Hell if I know...

Anywayssss.... To get back to today.  I have to start getting ready for work around 10.30am and then leave by 10.45am.  Hopefully my car will start on this frozen morning....  Stupid car... Where was I? Oh yes.  I begin work at 11.00am on the dot.  I hope that I will be in the back with my friend...  I get off around 2.00pm today and I'm hoping that my beau will already be there once I get off.  I haven't seen him in a month.  It's hard to see him when he lives in another state.  Hopefully, my mother will let me hang out with him and my other friend whom I haven't seen in a few weeks now.

So yeah.  That's my day in a nut shell.  I get to try and hide the marks from the last cutting session I had from the beau and friends.  Great fun, great fun.  

I feel cleansed down into my soul

even in the darkest corner.

My body and mind have been,

broken and scarred.

The soul is a funny thing

if you ever truly think of it.

I may not be the most

important or normal person in the world,

but I am loved for

who

I

am.

Having my soul be cleansed has helped me

see that I do NOT need help to be me.

I can't seem to

keep my mind off of suicide today.  I just... I truly can't see myself living past the age of twenty-one.  I see myself buying a handgun when I turn eighteen and then getting drunk off of my ass when I turn twenty-one and shooting myself.  I can just imagine the blood and my brains splattered across the wall.  I wear my smile as a way to hide the pain that I feel.  I cannot take this for ever.  I need to stop this from continuing on into younger generations.  I can't imagine raising a child that has depression while I fight my own inner war.  I don't want to show my children how fucking weak I really am.  I just need to find a better way to off myself.

Home Sick

I am so bored and I really just... I realize how much I missed cutting now. I don't really know what I should do to keep my mind off of it.  So all I do is type. tick tick tick. I can only hear the keys under my fingers and the drone of those chickens on the daytime talk shows which is the only thing on at the moment.  Don't judge.  It's keeping my mind off of other things.  I'm just... ;aslkdfj I'm done with life.... I really don't like these stupid talk shows.  I just... I don't understand how people with any intelligence can watch this shit.

I guess for my first post, I should talk about how long it's been since the last time I cut and all.  Last time I cut was on Sunday.  I was just ;laskdjf;!!!  I had gone just over three months without it, but I was overwhelmed and stressed and needed a release.  Maybe someday I will be willing to go into my past and how I started, but today is NOT the day for that.