So I've just begun to realize how much I have truly kept quiet about everything that David put me through. At first I did it because I was trying to deny that it ever was happening/had happened. Then, when I tried to open up about it, I was called a liar and told I was attention seeking. I haven't really talked about it since. I've gotten over most of what happened, but I still have my days. I feel like I should try and talk about it, but at the same time I would rather not bring up those memories and feelings.
Which reminds me. Today was Rainbow Rave (I'm going to the Drag Show at 7pm). It was a lot of fun. Ben knew one of the people on the panel and he warned me about him. I honestly didn't even need the warning. Once the guy made eye contact with me, I just had an instant gut feeling
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Monday, November 16, 2015
16th November 2015, 4.28pm
Today was the last day of the marching band season. We handed in music and uniforms. It's always been a fairly bittersweet moment for me just because I love marching band and the people, but pep band season starts on Wednesday! I don't think there will ever come a day that I don't enjoy playing music with these two groups of people.
I think I fucked everything up between Peter and I today. I've had this pit in my stomach all yesterday and today. When he told me that he had told his mother about me, I think everything suddenly became all to real. Don't get me wrong, I like him... A lot... I just don't think I'm truly ready for another relationship yet and it wouldn't be fair to him because I would keep comparing him to Zach... I hope he'll still let me come see him on 25th November... Maybe once we are in person, it will be different... Maybe everything will fall into place... I don't know.
So this weekend, there were terrorist attacks in Paris. After trying to get ahold of everyone out there that I know, I heard back from them all the next morning saying that they were safe. The death toll is currently at 150 people. It makes me sick that people can just go out and kill other people in the name of religion. Almost all religions have a message of peace... How can killing another human being be sanctioned by a religion?
I've been crying a lot again. I started crying during Gay and Lesbian Drama today. I almost had to walk out because I wasn't sure that I could get it under control...
I think I fucked everything up between Peter and I today. I've had this pit in my stomach all yesterday and today. When he told me that he had told his mother about me, I think everything suddenly became all to real. Don't get me wrong, I like him... A lot... I just don't think I'm truly ready for another relationship yet and it wouldn't be fair to him because I would keep comparing him to Zach... I hope he'll still let me come see him on 25th November... Maybe once we are in person, it will be different... Maybe everything will fall into place... I don't know.
So this weekend, there were terrorist attacks in Paris. After trying to get ahold of everyone out there that I know, I heard back from them all the next morning saying that they were safe. The death toll is currently at 150 people. It makes me sick that people can just go out and kill other people in the name of religion. Almost all religions have a message of peace... How can killing another human being be sanctioned by a religion?
I've been crying a lot again. I started crying during Gay and Lesbian Drama today. I almost had to walk out because I wasn't sure that I could get it under control...
Thursday, November 12, 2015
12th November 2015, 10.40pm
I am so happy today! I've made it over a week without cutting, I have Peter in my life, and I've been singing and cleaning! I get to see mom and Caitie on Saturday for the game and then we are going to go out for mom's birthday. Then I have Last Blast on Sunday! I'm so freaking excited!!!!
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
10th November 2015, 8.21am
I'm actually doing surprisingly well today. When I woke up this morning, I was kind of expecting to cry or to not be able to function, but I got up and dressed just fine with time to spare even. I don't know. Maybe it will hit me later in the day. I have a fairly busy day today at least to help keep my mind on other things.
Peter and I have been talking a lot more. We're starting to really hit it off. Too bad he leaves at the end of November for basics... He won't be back until mid-February and then he'll leave again for a year. I'm really proud of him, but I'm going to miss him a whole heck of a lot when he leaves. I'm going to try and see him when I'm home for Thanksgiving.
Peter and I have been talking a lot more. We're starting to really hit it off. Too bad he leaves at the end of November for basics... He won't be back until mid-February and then he'll leave again for a year. I'm really proud of him, but I'm going to miss him a whole heck of a lot when he leaves. I'm going to try and see him when I'm home for Thanksgiving.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
8th November 2015, 11.09pm
Today was a really good day actually. I stayed in bed for a long time just chilling then I went to the PSC and drew a bit. I was trying to catch the Redskins game, but there was someone else on the tv watching the Packers game... I sang a lot too. That was a lot of fun. Then Ben came back from Madison and we went to dinner and hung out. Overall, today was really great. Now I'm just Snapchatting with Sean and Peter.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
6.53pm
I just had a major... panic attack... I think... I'm not actually sure what happened... I just couldn't handle any light or sound and was barely able to breathe... It lasted just about 2 hours and I'm finally calm enough to eat and listen to some music... I messaged a couple people while it was happening.. Brandon, my friend from West Bend, called me immediately... Hearing someone's voice helped a lot... I was able to get my breathing under control then. Then Gina and Kyle messaged me at the same time and I've been feeling a lot better since talking to them.
7th November 2015, 3.27pm
This week was fairly good. I was a bit sick on Thursday but that cleared up fairly quickly. I suddenly had two or three mental breakdowns during classes on Thursday, but I felt a lot better afterwards. Ben and I went out to Texas Roadhouse last night to celebrate his birthday. Nothing big happened this week. Besides Thursday, I've been really okay actually.
Tomorrow is my stepmum's birthday and then the 19th is my mum's birthday. Mum and Caitie are coming out next weekend for the football game and Last Blast so we can celebrate mum's birthday.
Tomorrow is my stepmum's birthday and then the 19th is my mum's birthday. Mum and Caitie are coming out next weekend for the football game and Last Blast so we can celebrate mum's birthday.
Monday, November 2, 2015
2nd November 2015, 7.55pm
Damn me and my god damn anxiety attacks... Damn my lack of impulse control... Damn my workload... Damn every god damn thing about life right now...
1st November 2015, 11.54pm
This weekend actually went really well. Yeah, there were a couple of bumps along the way but it all turned out all right. I finally felt okay enough to take one of my knives back from Ben. I wasn't ready to take back my big heavy one yet though.
I think I'm slowly starting to get over Zach in my own weird way. I think what I miss most is being in a relationship more than I miss being with him in particular. I feel like that somehow makes everything better.
I find it kind of funny that everyone thinks that Ben and I are a couple. What they don't realize is that he is one of maybe three friends I have out here. Plus we have a class together and we work together. It makes hanging out real easy.
Lately I have been feeling my depression slowly seeping up, but it actually hasn't been anything I can't handle. I'm thinking of going to a sexual assault therapy group thing tomorrow. Even if I don't talk a lot, it'd be nice to feel less alone. The only problem is that it starts at 4pm, but I have band until 5pm... I still might go for a bit. I feel like it would do me some good to say some of the stuff out loud rather than just typing about it.
I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things lately. It's kind of odd, but I'm really starting to become who I've always wanted to be. I smile a lot more when I look in the mirror and others have started to notice. I should really go to bed soon... I don't want to though. I'm tired but I'm not... I need sleep.
I think I'm slowly starting to get over Zach in my own weird way. I think what I miss most is being in a relationship more than I miss being with him in particular. I feel like that somehow makes everything better.
I find it kind of funny that everyone thinks that Ben and I are a couple. What they don't realize is that he is one of maybe three friends I have out here. Plus we have a class together and we work together. It makes hanging out real easy.
Lately I have been feeling my depression slowly seeping up, but it actually hasn't been anything I can't handle. I'm thinking of going to a sexual assault therapy group thing tomorrow. Even if I don't talk a lot, it'd be nice to feel less alone. The only problem is that it starts at 4pm, but I have band until 5pm... I still might go for a bit. I feel like it would do me some good to say some of the stuff out loud rather than just typing about it.
I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things lately. It's kind of odd, but I'm really starting to become who I've always wanted to be. I smile a lot more when I look in the mirror and others have started to notice. I should really go to bed soon... I don't want to though. I'm tired but I'm not... I need sleep.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
28th October 2015, 12.44am
All of a sudden, everything has begun to spiral down again. I started crying during Play Analysis yesterday... I'm trying to write a paper for Gay and Lesbian Drama, but just can't stay focused... All I want to do is talk to Zach and try to make everything better. I love him so fucking much. I can't handle this.
I'm not in the best of mind sets tonight.... I keep overthinking things and have begun to get the urge to cut again... I don't want to start again, that's why Ben has 2 of my knives... I hate not having them...
I'm not in the best of mind sets tonight.... I keep overthinking things and have begun to get the urge to cut again... I don't want to start again, that's why Ben has 2 of my knives... I hate not having them...
Thursday, October 22, 2015
22nd October 2015, 8.38am
I'm the friend that everyone throws away after a while... I'm the friend that no one would care if they ever talked to me again..
Everything hurts today... Physically, mentally, emotionally.... I miss Zach so much... Everyone expects me to be okay since he left me a month ago... I feel like any time I tell people what's really wrong they just get annoyed... "Why be hung up on a guy that hurt you so much?" "Just get over him." "You're better off without him." I'm sick of it... All of it... I can't keep hearing the same things over and over... I just need someone to sit down and fucking listen... I need someone to hold me while I cry... I need someone to just try to understand why... No one wants to listen, though. They want there to be some sort of quick fix to get me back on my feet. It isn't that fucking easy. I was with him just over 13 months. I yearned for him for over a year before that... We'd dated for a couple months before that... He has and always will be the one that got away... I can't help it... How exactly am I supposed to get over someone who has had my heart for almost 3 years and counting now? I don't care how he treated me at the end. I don't care that maybe he isn't the one. He's the fucking one I want right now. He's the closest I've been to having the one. I can't stay mad at him. I can't no matter how hard I try and no one fucking cares. All they see is the bad in him... There's so much good... I just want him back... I could never hate him... Zach, if you're reading this I love you... I will always love you...
I have to go get ready for class....
Everything hurts today... Physically, mentally, emotionally.... I miss Zach so much... Everyone expects me to be okay since he left me a month ago... I feel like any time I tell people what's really wrong they just get annoyed... "Why be hung up on a guy that hurt you so much?" "Just get over him." "You're better off without him." I'm sick of it... All of it... I can't keep hearing the same things over and over... I just need someone to sit down and fucking listen... I need someone to hold me while I cry... I need someone to just try to understand why... No one wants to listen, though. They want there to be some sort of quick fix to get me back on my feet. It isn't that fucking easy. I was with him just over 13 months. I yearned for him for over a year before that... We'd dated for a couple months before that... He has and always will be the one that got away... I can't help it... How exactly am I supposed to get over someone who has had my heart for almost 3 years and counting now? I don't care how he treated me at the end. I don't care that maybe he isn't the one. He's the fucking one I want right now. He's the closest I've been to having the one. I can't stay mad at him. I can't no matter how hard I try and no one fucking cares. All they see is the bad in him... There's so much good... I just want him back... I could never hate him... Zach, if you're reading this I love you... I will always love you...
I have to go get ready for class....
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
21st October 2015, 8.25am
*200th post!!!*
I just wanted to thank all of those who read this. Seeing those page views and all of your comments really helps me get through a lot of this.
So, it has officially been over a month since Zach left me. I still have days where I just miss him terribly... Last week was pretty bad, but I'd rather not get into it because it doesn't matter. It happened and it is over. It is in the past. The only thing that matters is that I made it out alive.
I got to see Shye over the weekend. She's home for the month! I missed her so damn much. I wish I had gotten to hang out with her more, but so many things were happening over the weekend. I got my lip pierced! I just absolutely adore it. Today is day 4 with it. I'm slowly becoming the me I want to be and I am noticeably happier.
It was raining last night. Ben, one of my friends, and I decided to go out and play in the rain. It was the freaking best! I haven't done that in so long. At first, we stayed between our two dorms but soon ran all the way around campus just jumping into all the puddles we could find. It was the happiest I had been in a long time.
Today Ben and I are wearing our ears and tails around campus for the day. He recently bought Cheshire ears and tail (blue and teal, not purple and pink). I'm going to be wearing my purple lynx ears and tail. I'm so excited! Last time when I wore my tail, so many people came up to me and gave me compliments. I'm so much more confident when I wear my tail and ears. This week is just a really good week already.
OH! Or, the play I've been working on at work starts today! I can't wait to go see it! The set looks amazing, but I am definitely glad that we are done with all of that wood grain. That was soooo much work, but it was definitely worth it.
Also, today is that day that Marty and the Doc come to the future in Back to the Future II!!!!
Also, today is that day that Marty and the Doc come to the future in Back to the Future II!!!!
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
13th October 2015, 12.11am
I'm supposed to be working on homework but my mind is just so many different places right now.... I got a call from an unknown number during dinner today... I didn't answer but I'm now wondering if it was David. I'm actually kind of terrified of what I've gotten myself into...
Besides all that shit, I'm back to square one with cutting.... I had multiple mental breakdowns yesterday and I was alone in my room when the worst one hit... I don't remember what all happened but I remember looking at my knife and seeing blood all over the blade... I remember my arm being streaked with blood... I remember frantically cleaning it all up... I gave Ben my knives to hold onto until further notice... I'm not well right now and I'm terrified of what I'm capable of right now. I'm just glad I have a friend like him...
It's almost been a month since Zach left me... From what I've seen him posting and what I've heard, he's doing a lot better without me... I'm glad that that's the case... I don't think I could live with myself if I had been the reason for him to go back to the hospital... He was just taking care of himself and that's what is really important... I just wish I hadn't been such a god damn bitch...
I still can't get those two words out of my head... Dumb cunt.... They've been rattling around in my head for almost 3 weeks now and I have no one to blame but myself... I should probably post pictures of what I drew and wrote during classes yesterday during one of my mental breakdowns, but I just don't have the energy... I just want to rip the pages out and burn them... Maybe that would make me feel better... I don't know anymore... I still feel so god damn hollow...
Besides all that shit, I'm back to square one with cutting.... I had multiple mental breakdowns yesterday and I was alone in my room when the worst one hit... I don't remember what all happened but I remember looking at my knife and seeing blood all over the blade... I remember my arm being streaked with blood... I remember frantically cleaning it all up... I gave Ben my knives to hold onto until further notice... I'm not well right now and I'm terrified of what I'm capable of right now. I'm just glad I have a friend like him...
It's almost been a month since Zach left me... From what I've seen him posting and what I've heard, he's doing a lot better without me... I'm glad that that's the case... I don't think I could live with myself if I had been the reason for him to go back to the hospital... He was just taking care of himself and that's what is really important... I just wish I hadn't been such a god damn bitch...
I still can't get those two words out of my head... Dumb cunt.... They've been rattling around in my head for almost 3 weeks now and I have no one to blame but myself... I should probably post pictures of what I drew and wrote during classes yesterday during one of my mental breakdowns, but I just don't have the energy... I just want to rip the pages out and burn them... Maybe that would make me feel better... I don't know anymore... I still feel so god damn hollow...
Monday, October 12, 2015
5.17pm
So I did it. I messaged David... I kind of regretted it immediately, but I still did it. It's too late to turn back now...
I've had so many mental breakdowns today... I can't even count... I'm not even sure I want to eat tonight... I feel so damn sick right now...
I've had so many mental breakdowns today... I can't even count... I'm not even sure I want to eat tonight... I feel so damn sick right now...
12th October 2015, 9.35am
I really need someone to smack me as hard as they can... Every night I've been getting closer and closer to opening up communication lines with David again... I don't know. Maybe it isn't that bad of an idea... Maybe it could work out this time... Maybe everything would be okay... Maybe I just made up all of the things that happened.... I think I'm going to message him... I'll do it today sometime... Not sure when, but I think I will...
Sunday, October 11, 2015
11th October 2015, 7.08pm
I'm slowly falling deeper into my depression. I'm discovering that I am a lot happier in a relationship even if the relationship is horribly abusive... To be honest, I've been thinking about trying to get into contact with David again.... I know I shouldn't but.... I just don't know... There's a ot wrong with me I guess.....
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
7th October 2015, 11.58am
So much for quitting smoking... I had 3 cigarettes last night... I also burned my arm twice with cigarette butts.... I'm doing just fucking peachy, huh? I don't really see a point in trying to quit shit that makes me feel something. I'd rather hurt than be numb and I've been fairly numb these past 3 weeks almost now. Ya know?
Friday, October 2, 2015
2nd October 2015, 7.43pm
I've been doing better about the break up. I'm glad he's been less depressed... I still have my moments where I start bawling over it, but they have become less frequent. I've also been able to sleep more and eat.
I'm currently in the process of dying my hair red again. I need some change... Everything kind of stood still since he left...
I'm currently in the process of dying my hair red again. I need some change... Everything kind of stood still since he left...
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
23rd September 2015, 9.43am
He's fine... He's absolutely fine while I'm sitting here completely broken... How can that be? How can he be completely okay and I'm just miserable and suicidal...? How can you spend so much time with someone and just be fine when it's ripped away from you...? He expects me to be fine the way he is... I have yet to go a couple hours without crying... I'm still barely sleeping... I can't handle all of this... I've had to walk out of classes because I just start bawling... I have so many friends checking on me and making sure I'm okay but I still feel alone...
I feel absolutely worthless because of this... I must be worthless... He was able to throw me away like the garbage I am... I want him happy but at the same time I want him to be happy being with me... Is that selfish...?
I feel absolutely worthless because of this... I must be worthless... He was able to throw me away like the garbage I am... I want him happy but at the same time I want him to be happy being with me... Is that selfish...?
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
22nd September 2015, 8.11am
I finally got myself into the shower today... First time since everything came crashing down on Friday... It's not like I even wanted to shower... I just knew that I needed it...
I'm also back to day 1 as of last night... I remember crying... I remember grabbing the blade... I don't remember the actual action...
I was supposed to have an interview today for a second job, but I cancelled it... I can hardly handle life right now, how would I handle even more...?
I'm such a fuck up and I hate myself... I fuck up every good thing I ever have...
I'm also back to day 1 as of last night... I remember crying... I remember grabbing the blade... I don't remember the actual action...
I was supposed to have an interview today for a second job, but I cancelled it... I can hardly handle life right now, how would I handle even more...?
I'm such a fuck up and I hate myself... I fuck up every good thing I ever have...
Saturday, September 19, 2015
19th September 2015, 10.22am
So the unexpected happened last night.... I guess I should have seen it coming, but after almost 14 months of being in a relationship with Zach, he left me... He explained to me why and all but I just... He could have talked to me sooner.... It didn't have to come to this... I wasn't able to eat last night... Still haven't eaten yet today... I probably will since my mom is coming out... Last night, I couldn't function. All I did was cry. This morning, I've been trying to keep myself busy with cleaning. It's helped a bit, but whenever I stop for a second my mind goes straight to him... I don't hate him for leaving... I don't think I ever will, but I do know he will always have my heart...
As I was crying last night, I kept reaching to play with the ring he had given me for Valentine's Day this past year... It just made me cry harder... Everything that reminds me of him is hidden away because every time I even looked at any of it I started bawling all over again... I only got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. What I really don't understand is how he can act like nothing happened between us... How he can act like everything's fine whereas for me, the world's crashing down around me...
There were a few moments last night when I almost cut. I didn't... I still want to, but I know I shouldn't so I'm trying so hard to keep my mind off of it... I feel empty... I feel broken... I feel so... so worthless.... I was trying to change for him so hard... Why wasn't it enough? I really thought we were getting better, but I guess he was just hiding his disgust for me.... I just don't understand how someone can say they love you and then a few hours later they say they haven't loved you for a few days no...
As I was crying last night, I kept reaching to play with the ring he had given me for Valentine's Day this past year... It just made me cry harder... Everything that reminds me of him is hidden away because every time I even looked at any of it I started bawling all over again... I only got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. What I really don't understand is how he can act like nothing happened between us... How he can act like everything's fine whereas for me, the world's crashing down around me...
There were a few moments last night when I almost cut. I didn't... I still want to, but I know I shouldn't so I'm trying so hard to keep my mind off of it... I feel empty... I feel broken... I feel so... so worthless.... I was trying to change for him so hard... Why wasn't it enough? I really thought we were getting better, but I guess he was just hiding his disgust for me.... I just don't understand how someone can say they love you and then a few hours later they say they haven't loved you for a few days no...
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
10.39pm
I've just finished my homework for two different classes. I just need a break... My mind is starting to go to mush again. Today's been a long day and I just want to lay down, but I need to get this done... I really should work on my Intro to Design homework too.... I just don't even know where to start with that one... I'm just so tired... Bed sounds like a wonderful idea, but I really need to get this homework done... I shouldn't even be blogging right now... Haha. I'm so bloody tired...
15th September 2015, 8.16am
So, one of my classes this semester is Intro to Design. Part of it is just drawing... A lot. At first, I wasn't really to thrilled about it because I don't see myself as an artist. The more I do the drawings, the more I realize that maybe I am a bit of an artist. As a result, whenever I'm depressed I have been drawing instead of writing. It actually helps more than writing because it keeps my hands busy but it also uses my mind so that I can't think about being depressed. I've only done one drawing so far, but it really helped. The only problem is that I need to be looking at a picture or the actual object right now....
Monday, September 14, 2015
14th September 2015, 9.05am
I'm just sitting around before my Philosophy class this morning. My roommate's already left for the day. I just keep thinking over the weekend and what all happened. Nothing special happened on Friday. I went to class and then the marching band played at the high school's football game. No biggie. On Saturday Ben and I went out to Dubuque for some adventuring. During all of this, Zach and I began fighting. I won't go too into detail about the fight because, to be honest, I don't even understand what it was all about anymore. In Dubuque Ben and I went to Hobby Lobby and the mall that is out there. Afterwards we went to Berry Yo and then we went to Theatre Blitz II. Theatre Blitz is a 24 hour theatre production. The groups met on Friday around 6 or 7pm and then had to perform their plays at 7pm on Saturday. It was really fun watching what they had all come up with. Sunday is when things got bad.... Zach and I were still fighting. I was also suffering a massive bout of depression yesterday. I could hardly get out of bed as it was, but the fight made it so I only left my room twice yesterday. I didn't even eat until close to 8pm. Before Zach left for work, he had told me to come up with a list of reasons why he should stay with me rather than leaving me. By the time he was off of work, I had come up with over 140 reasons why he should stay. I cried so much yesterday... I barely got any homework done... I was so tired... I just wanted to cut... But I didn't because I knew that Zach wouldn't want me to, even though we were in the middle of a fight.
Everything is fine now, but yesterday was just torture. I'm not sure I would have been able to curb my urges if we hadn't worked everything out last night.... It terrifies me that these sorts of things affect me so much... I'm honestly scared shitless of what might happen if we broke up for good. I'm not sure how I would deal with it...
Everything is fine now, but yesterday was just torture. I'm not sure I would have been able to curb my urges if we hadn't worked everything out last night.... It terrifies me that these sorts of things affect me so much... I'm honestly scared shitless of what might happen if we broke up for good. I'm not sure how I would deal with it...
Thursday, September 3, 2015
3rd September 2015, 9.34pm
So, on Tuesday it was 6 months since the last time I cut. I really feel like I'm actually making some progress. I haven't even smoked yet even though I've wanted to for a few days now. I did have a bit of an episode last night, but I think Zach was right and that I just needed sleep because I felt a lot better this morning.
I go home tomorrow after Marching Band for my cousin's wedding on Saturday. I'm really excited because Zach is going to be coming with and it'll be the first time he's meeting a lot of this side of my family.
I'm slowly getting my dorm room organized this week. It's been a slow and painful process, but it has in fact been happening. My roommate's name is Marissa. She's actually really nice and I really don't think this semester is going to be bad. I have a lot of really fun classes this semester, too. I'm taking marching band (obviously), gay and lesbian drama, introduction to design, play analysis, French 1, and philosophy. French isn't all that great right now, but that's because it's elementary French so it's just a big review for me.
I'm supposed to be working on homework, but I just can't concentrate tonight. I organized my side of the room for a bit and then we had our first wing meeting of the year.
That reminds me! I got a job working at the Center for the Arts that is on campus as a production assistant. I'm super excited to have this job, not only because it will look hella good on my resume but also because I really enjoy the people I get to work with.
I go home tomorrow after Marching Band for my cousin's wedding on Saturday. I'm really excited because Zach is going to be coming with and it'll be the first time he's meeting a lot of this side of my family.
I'm slowly getting my dorm room organized this week. It's been a slow and painful process, but it has in fact been happening. My roommate's name is Marissa. She's actually really nice and I really don't think this semester is going to be bad. I have a lot of really fun classes this semester, too. I'm taking marching band (obviously), gay and lesbian drama, introduction to design, play analysis, French 1, and philosophy. French isn't all that great right now, but that's because it's elementary French so it's just a big review for me.
I'm supposed to be working on homework, but I just can't concentrate tonight. I organized my side of the room for a bit and then we had our first wing meeting of the year.
That reminds me! I got a job working at the Center for the Arts that is on campus as a production assistant. I'm super excited to have this job, not only because it will look hella good on my resume but also because I really enjoy the people I get to work with.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
16th August 2015, 11.11pm
It's been a while since I last posted something. A lot of stuff has happened... Mostly my car breaking down and costing me a fortune to fix... Zach and I celebrated our 1 year on the 10th this month... Unfortunately, I was (and still am) sick so we put off going out on a date until further notice.
Lately I have been hitting these bouts of depression. For the past week or so I've had the urges to cut again and almost have on multiple occasions. I've also been wanting to kill myself... It's honestly been the worst I've been in a long while now... I don't know why this is happening or what triggered it, but I need to deal with it...
I go back to college this Friday. This will be my second year out at UW-Platteville. I'm truly ecstatic about my first full year being immersed into the theatre department.
I just can't seem to shake the thoughts that the darkness brings with it... I hate sleeping in my bed by myself... I can't wait until the nights that Zach and I will say goodnight and fall asleep next to each other every night. Whenever someone asks me what I want to be once I graduate college, they always seem surprised by my answer. What I really truly want to be is a mother. I want to be a stay at home mom with my kids and my husband and I want to have that "American Dream" of having a family. I go to college to further my education, not to get ahead in the workplace. I go to college so that I do have more opportunities but at the same time I go to college so as not to be the black sheep of the family. I don't want a big fancy house or nice shiny cars... I want a roof over my head, a car that gets me from a to b safely, a husband who loves me, and kids. I feel like Zach doesn't always fully understand that. I get that he doesn't want to live paycheck to paycheck, and I agree that it would be kind of awful but I also don't want to live in the lap of luxury either. I'll be happy with a just big enough house and an older car. All I really want is a family that I actually feel like I belong to... I don't belong in my mom's family, or my dad's family, and I certainly don't belong in my stepmom's family. It's so hard to see everyone getting along so well while I just sit in the corner on my phone, waiting for the day that I belong. No one at family gatherings wants to talk to me... They all go talk to my sister because her life is just more interesting I guess... At all these family get-togethers, I just sit there and quietly wish I was more interesting, more important, more welcome...
Lately I have been hitting these bouts of depression. For the past week or so I've had the urges to cut again and almost have on multiple occasions. I've also been wanting to kill myself... It's honestly been the worst I've been in a long while now... I don't know why this is happening or what triggered it, but I need to deal with it...
I go back to college this Friday. This will be my second year out at UW-Platteville. I'm truly ecstatic about my first full year being immersed into the theatre department.
I just can't seem to shake the thoughts that the darkness brings with it... I hate sleeping in my bed by myself... I can't wait until the nights that Zach and I will say goodnight and fall asleep next to each other every night. Whenever someone asks me what I want to be once I graduate college, they always seem surprised by my answer. What I really truly want to be is a mother. I want to be a stay at home mom with my kids and my husband and I want to have that "American Dream" of having a family. I go to college to further my education, not to get ahead in the workplace. I go to college so that I do have more opportunities but at the same time I go to college so as not to be the black sheep of the family. I don't want a big fancy house or nice shiny cars... I want a roof over my head, a car that gets me from a to b safely, a husband who loves me, and kids. I feel like Zach doesn't always fully understand that. I get that he doesn't want to live paycheck to paycheck, and I agree that it would be kind of awful but I also don't want to live in the lap of luxury either. I'll be happy with a just big enough house and an older car. All I really want is a family that I actually feel like I belong to... I don't belong in my mom's family, or my dad's family, and I certainly don't belong in my stepmom's family. It's so hard to see everyone getting along so well while I just sit in the corner on my phone, waiting for the day that I belong. No one at family gatherings wants to talk to me... They all go talk to my sister because her life is just more interesting I guess... At all these family get-togethers, I just sit there and quietly wish I was more interesting, more important, more welcome...
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
8th July 2015, 9.41am
As of this 1st of this month, I am 4 months clean. I am actually not that proud of myself... It seems like these past few months have just been dragging on and I feel like my life is going nowhere...
On Friday, Zach and I will have been together for 11 months. I can't wait to celebrate one year with him in August. He's been by my side through it all and I'm so freaking lucky to have him.... I don't know what I'd do without him in my life. He has been the reason that I am trying so hard to get better... I want to have a family with him someday and I know that in order for that to happen, I need to get better.
On Friday, Zach and I will have been together for 11 months. I can't wait to celebrate one year with him in August. He's been by my side through it all and I'm so freaking lucky to have him.... I don't know what I'd do without him in my life. He has been the reason that I am trying so hard to get better... I want to have a family with him someday and I know that in order for that to happen, I need to get better.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
26th June 2015, 11.55pm
I've been feeling lost lately. I feel like I'm not becoming who I am supposed to be. Well, to be completely honest.... I feel like I'm becoming someone who doesn't exist and certainly shouldn't exist... I've been getting more and more suicidal lately and I just don't know how to tell anyone without sounding whiny... I don't know...
This weekend, I'm planning on beginning to move my clothes to the new room. My mum is moving me into the spare room since it has a queen size bed and it's where Zach and I sleep when he spends the night anyways. It'll be kind of nice to have a more... "Grown up" room so to speak.
This weekend, I'm planning on beginning to move my clothes to the new room. My mum is moving me into the spare room since it has a queen size bed and it's where Zach and I sleep when he spends the night anyways. It'll be kind of nice to have a more... "Grown up" room so to speak.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
24th June 2015, 10.52pm
There isn't much to talk about right now. Just thought I should leave an update of some sort...
Still haven't cut. Still with Zach. No longer working at McDonald's. Still having episodes. Still learning to push through it all.
Still haven't cut. Still with Zach. No longer working at McDonald's. Still having episodes. Still learning to push through it all.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
17th June 2015, 11.01pm
I've been feeling extremely lost lately. I don't know who I am or what I identify as. I told Zach that I feel like I might be genderfluid. He completely flipped out saying that he isn't gay and if I identify as a guy sometimes then I am just a guy to him... I don't know if he actually realized how much that hurt for me to hear... I've been crying since he said that... If I have to be a girl 24/7 for him to stay, then I will... My love for him is stronger than any desire I have to be a male. I feel as though I am betraying myself by saying that, but... It's true... I want him to be happy with me... I just don't know what to do...
Monday, June 15, 2015
11.39pm
I don't get it. I don't understand how she can act like nothing is wrong again. I have literally been avoiding my mother most of the day. How can she act so normal?
15th June 2015, 12.14am
I am so sick of crying at this point... My mother decided to sign all of us up for a 5k color run this past weekend. It wouldn't have been a big deal if it hadn't have been for the fact that I already had plans and she knew about said plans. She thinks that my relationship with Zach is more important to me than anything. I mean, this is sort of true seeing as he actually cares about me and realizes that I have depression that, in fact, got worse after my visit to the hospital back in 2011. Zach tries so hard to make me feel loved and special and worth while... My mother tends to do the exact opposite...
Back to the crying.. I was supposed to leave the graduation party I was at on Saturday early so that we could go to the color run together. I ended up feeling so sick that I was unable to even sit up and decided to go downstairs to Zach's room and lay down for a bit. That was around 8pm. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until around 10pm. I still wasn't feeling well so Zach got me some medicine and around 10.30 to 11pm I remembered that I should text my mother to let her know I would just come home early Sunday morning. Everything seemed fine and dandy until Zach's alarms didn't go off this morning. I had 2 hours until the color run so I texted my mother and asked for the address of the place so that I could just meet her there. Instead of getting the damn address, she screamed at me. I started crying during that and ended up having to hand the phone to Zach because I couldn't talk. She then proceeded to scream at him just because he was trying to help me. They hung up and he had to try for about 2 hours to calm me down...
I was so scared to come home that I didn't even leave his place until about 4pm yesterday. When I got home, I went straight to my room to continue cleaning. About 6pm my mother calls me downstairs. I assumed it was so that she could scream at me, but she acted as if nothing had happened. This went on all night until about an hour ago when I apologized for not making it. She then proceeded to pretty much tell me that I'm just a horrible child that doesn't give a rat's ass about my family. I fucking tried to make it. I texted my mum the fucking moment we realized we had woken up late and asked for the bloody address. If she had just given it to me when I had asked for it, none of this would have happened. But of course, it just can't be her fucking fault. I'm the horrible child that does everything wrong and can never please the bitch. I honestly can't wait to go back to school. At least I don't have somebody breathing down my neck for my entire life there. I have actual freedom. I'm 19 years old... I should be hanging out with my friends more. I have work, family, friends, a relationship..... I have to split my time and I decide to do that by which ones help me grow as a human being. That list goes work, friends, relationship, and family. I don't care what anyone thinks about that. And to be completely honest, friends and relationship are pretty much tied. I need to go to bed...
Back to the crying.. I was supposed to leave the graduation party I was at on Saturday early so that we could go to the color run together. I ended up feeling so sick that I was unable to even sit up and decided to go downstairs to Zach's room and lay down for a bit. That was around 8pm. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until around 10pm. I still wasn't feeling well so Zach got me some medicine and around 10.30 to 11pm I remembered that I should text my mother to let her know I would just come home early Sunday morning. Everything seemed fine and dandy until Zach's alarms didn't go off this morning. I had 2 hours until the color run so I texted my mother and asked for the address of the place so that I could just meet her there. Instead of getting the damn address, she screamed at me. I started crying during that and ended up having to hand the phone to Zach because I couldn't talk. She then proceeded to scream at him just because he was trying to help me. They hung up and he had to try for about 2 hours to calm me down...
I was so scared to come home that I didn't even leave his place until about 4pm yesterday. When I got home, I went straight to my room to continue cleaning. About 6pm my mother calls me downstairs. I assumed it was so that she could scream at me, but she acted as if nothing had happened. This went on all night until about an hour ago when I apologized for not making it. She then proceeded to pretty much tell me that I'm just a horrible child that doesn't give a rat's ass about my family. I fucking tried to make it. I texted my mum the fucking moment we realized we had woken up late and asked for the bloody address. If she had just given it to me when I had asked for it, none of this would have happened. But of course, it just can't be her fucking fault. I'm the horrible child that does everything wrong and can never please the bitch. I honestly can't wait to go back to school. At least I don't have somebody breathing down my neck for my entire life there. I have actual freedom. I'm 19 years old... I should be hanging out with my friends more. I have work, family, friends, a relationship..... I have to split my time and I decide to do that by which ones help me grow as a human being. That list goes work, friends, relationship, and family. I don't care what anyone thinks about that. And to be completely honest, friends and relationship are pretty much tied. I need to go to bed...
Thursday, June 11, 2015
11th June 2015, 11.48pm
The more I think about it, the more I really believe that I made up everything bad that I've ever said about David... I don't know anymore. I think Zach is also starting to doubt me... I just need to get some rest I guess and maybe I will be feeling better in the morning...
I was cleaning my room today. I stumble upon old journals and I was reading some of them... I've actually come really far in the last 2 years or so. I was kind of surprised about that. While reading some of my old entries, I started crying and wondering how I actually lived to see 19... I also finally threw out my razors. I no longer have anything in my room that I have ever used to harm myself. It has taken me 6 years to finally have that again... I'm extremely proud of myself for that...
I was cleaning my room today. I stumble upon old journals and I was reading some of them... I've actually come really far in the last 2 years or so. I was kind of surprised about that. While reading some of my old entries, I started crying and wondering how I actually lived to see 19... I also finally threw out my razors. I no longer have anything in my room that I have ever used to harm myself. It has taken me 6 years to finally have that again... I'm extremely proud of myself for that...
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
10th June 2015 11.30pm
Today was Zach and my 10 month anniversary. We weren't able to do anything together due to the fact that I had work all day and then he had his class tonight. Don't even mention the fact that we're both broke ass bitches...
I figured something out today while at work. Whenever Zach and I fight, I bring up random shit that he's never actually said/done (i.e. looking down on me for working at McDonalds). I finally figured out what the hell is going on. Every supposedly 'random' thing that I've brought up are things that David used to do. I believe that these are mini episodes that I'm having. It's not that I forget who I'm talking to or whatnot, it's just that my brain is telling me that Zach is David and has said these things. I don't really understand why this is happening lately, but it is. At least now I semi understand what is going on and was able to explain it to Zach in case it happens again.
I've been thinking a lot about David lately, in fact. It's mostly just been about our relationship and how perhaps it wasn't all him. Every time I think about it, I believe more and more that I had done something to provoke his behaviors.... Maybe I'm just over thinking all of this... I'm not quite sure anymore... To be completely honest, I'm not even sure whether or not all of what I've said about David is actually true.... I'm not sure as to whether or not I made all of the abuse and trauma up. I couldn't have possibly made all of it up, right? I just need some validation that I'm not completely insane. I just want some answers from him. Why me? What did I do to deserve all of it? Did he actually love me at all? Was anything he said even true...? I don't know what to think anymore... I can't even get myself to delete his number out of my phone. I'm so fucking pathetic...
In other ews, my friend Kendrick left for New York today. I'm really going to miss him... I kind of hope things fall through out there and he comes back... Does that make me an awful person or what? I should just be excited for him and hope for the best. God, I'm fucked up.
I figured something out today while at work. Whenever Zach and I fight, I bring up random shit that he's never actually said/done (i.e. looking down on me for working at McDonalds). I finally figured out what the hell is going on. Every supposedly 'random' thing that I've brought up are things that David used to do. I believe that these are mini episodes that I'm having. It's not that I forget who I'm talking to or whatnot, it's just that my brain is telling me that Zach is David and has said these things. I don't really understand why this is happening lately, but it is. At least now I semi understand what is going on and was able to explain it to Zach in case it happens again.
I've been thinking a lot about David lately, in fact. It's mostly just been about our relationship and how perhaps it wasn't all him. Every time I think about it, I believe more and more that I had done something to provoke his behaviors.... Maybe I'm just over thinking all of this... I'm not quite sure anymore... To be completely honest, I'm not even sure whether or not all of what I've said about David is actually true.... I'm not sure as to whether or not I made all of the abuse and trauma up. I couldn't have possibly made all of it up, right? I just need some validation that I'm not completely insane. I just want some answers from him. Why me? What did I do to deserve all of it? Did he actually love me at all? Was anything he said even true...? I don't know what to think anymore... I can't even get myself to delete his number out of my phone. I'm so fucking pathetic...
In other ews, my friend Kendrick left for New York today. I'm really going to miss him... I kind of hope things fall through out there and he comes back... Does that make me an awful person or what? I should just be excited for him and hope for the best. God, I'm fucked up.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
29th April 2015, 10.19am
I want to die.... Last night was awful. I tried talking to my roommate about her stuff being on my side and she blew up on me which made me get flustered and I forgot where I was going with it and she just ripped me apart... I feel worthless and useless and alone and like a bother to everyone I try to reach out to at this point. I wanted to overdose last night, but ended up passing out in bed instead... It was so hard getting up this morning. I barely go to class on time. I'm still mentally exhausted... My head hurts like a bitch....
The 15th can't get here soon enough. I only have one exam that day at 11am and then I will have completed my freshman year of college. I can't believe it's gone by so quickly... It seems like just yesterday I was waking up in my empty room on the floor to get ready for my first marching band practice of the season. I'll be glad to be home for the summer, though. I need to work on cleaning up my room...
Friday marks 2 months without cutting. I've barely made it this far... I don't know if it'll be any easier once I'm home again. I'll have to deal with being the forgotten child again... At least I found a new job back home. No more McDonald's for this girl. I miss Zach... He offered to come out the 14th but I don't think my roommate would be too happy (as if she is now...) and I have an exam on the 15th... Then he offered to meet me at home on the 15th, but I'm not going home until the 16th because of my sister's graduation.
It's weird to think that next week is my birthday. It doesn't feel like it. I wish he could come out for that... But I understand why he can't. Money's tight for both of us and it makes more sense to wait until I'm back home... My mum and sister will be coming out on the 9th for dinner then we're getting a hotel room and having brunch on the 10th for Mother's Day... It should be kind of nice I guess. I don't know really...
That reminds me... I need to get Zach's mum's address... I asked him for it earlier, but he didn't give it to me. I'll bug him for it again later today. I'm just barely functioning right now. I need to order cards... I want one for my mum, step mum, and Zach's mum... I'll just look at Hallmark....
The 15th can't get here soon enough. I only have one exam that day at 11am and then I will have completed my freshman year of college. I can't believe it's gone by so quickly... It seems like just yesterday I was waking up in my empty room on the floor to get ready for my first marching band practice of the season. I'll be glad to be home for the summer, though. I need to work on cleaning up my room...
Friday marks 2 months without cutting. I've barely made it this far... I don't know if it'll be any easier once I'm home again. I'll have to deal with being the forgotten child again... At least I found a new job back home. No more McDonald's for this girl. I miss Zach... He offered to come out the 14th but I don't think my roommate would be too happy (as if she is now...) and I have an exam on the 15th... Then he offered to meet me at home on the 15th, but I'm not going home until the 16th because of my sister's graduation.
It's weird to think that next week is my birthday. It doesn't feel like it. I wish he could come out for that... But I understand why he can't. Money's tight for both of us and it makes more sense to wait until I'm back home... My mum and sister will be coming out on the 9th for dinner then we're getting a hotel room and having brunch on the 10th for Mother's Day... It should be kind of nice I guess. I don't know really...
That reminds me... I need to get Zach's mum's address... I asked him for it earlier, but he didn't give it to me. I'll bug him for it again later today. I'm just barely functioning right now. I need to order cards... I want one for my mum, step mum, and Zach's mum... I'll just look at Hallmark....
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
28th April 2014, 1.16pm
So I was asked to talk about the abusive relationship I was in last year and how I left. So I guess I'll start at the beginning.
I met him at an anime convention called Anime Midwest in July. I had been playing a card game in one of the game rooms and he walked in to join in the next round. We were playing and talking from around 11pm to 4am the next day. Afterwards, I went back to my hotel room to change since I had a different cosplay to wear for the day. I came back and we began talking again. We both talked a lot about our pasts and pretty much spilled our guts. Then we kissed... We exchanged phone numbers before we went our separate ways. We texted and called since we lived about 130 miles apart. Finally one day he asked me out. I said yes. At the time, I couldn't tell anyone because he is 6 years older than I am and I was only 17 at the time, making him 23.
We planned to meet up once a month. To be honest, those first couple months were wonderful. The first month he came up, I wasn't actually sure if he would show up. I was terrified, but once I saw him sitting by his car at what later became our meeting place my mind was at ease. That first month, he just came up for the day. After that, he'd stay usually Friday night to Sunday morning at a hotel and I'd either stay with him while my mum thought I was at a friend's or only visit during the day.
Although I told him I wasn't comfortable having sex for the first few months, he'd still tease me and strip me and eventually fuck me... It made me feel dirty, to be honest... In October, he came out for the weekend of my senior homecoming. Instead of going to the dance like I wanted to, he talked me into spending the night in the hotel room. Luckily, my two friends talked him into taking me to a haunted house with them. Afterwards, we went to Culver's for custard. He had to take a call and went outside. After about 20 minutes, he was still talking so I went out to go check on him. He was all the way across the parking lot so I ran towards him... That was the first time I saw his violent side. I almost was kicked in the face because he had wanted to be left alone... I fell to the pavement sobbing because it scared me so much... My friends went home and he took me back to the hotel, telling me to stop crying the entire way there. Once we got to the hotel and I finally calmed down, he took me into the shower and washed me up (my friend painted my face to look like a tabby cat). The rest of that weekend was fairly uneventful.
As the months went on, he got more aggressive. For instance, I have a thing about not being pinned down during sex because of the rape... He'd get a kick out of that when I'd start begging him to stop... He'd practically choke me to the point of passing out during sex. He began groping me in public, and not like the light-tap-on-the-ass kind but the full on hand-down-your-pants kind.... I'd call him out on it and tell him I was uncomfortable with it, but he'd just laugh and do it more. I gave up after a while because I knew it didn't matter. This cycle continued until I first left him. I was strong for a good 3 days. Until he came up to my work and waited for me to get off. He threatened to hurt me if I didn't get back together with him, so I did..... I wasn't happy being with him.... Not really.
Last year, over Valentine's day was another convention called Anime Milwaukee. I convinced him to go. I had wanted to go to the ball with him that Friday night but instead he ended up wasting time and we missed it. I normally wear collars on a regular basis and there was a vendor selling leashes. Can you guess what he did? I ended up getting hurt a lot that weekend because of that leash. There was a rave that Saturday and we decided to go. I went in a skimpy little dress and had a pair of shorts on underneath. He continually put his hand down my dress and tried taking off my shorts and underwear at the rave. I started crying and asking him why he only cared about sex... We left the rave, well... I left and he followed... I sat on a bench and started bawling. He just stared at me for a bit... Then he started screaming at me, telling me how I was making a scene and people were staring. I had 6 people come over and ask if I was okay/if he was bothering me. I wish I had said something to them, but he kept turning them away saying I was just having a bad day and was tired. After I started calming down, he escorted me to my hotel, slapped me on the ass and told me to be a good girl and text him in the morning. That was probably the worst weekend....
The last time we saw each other was in March because I was unable to see him in April due to my trip to France. He took one look at me when we saw each other and said that I'd gained too much weight and needed to lose it asap all the while knowing I have a history of anorexia... I sat in the hotel room's tub with the door locked and lights off and sobbed for a good 3 hours. He never asked if I was okay.... He instead turned on the tv and would bang on the wall if my crying became too loud. Once I came out, he smacked me on the back and told me I was a terrible person.
While I was in France, he got really mad at me quite a few times because I didn't have time to talk to him. Our schedule was completely full and we wouldn't get back until around 10pm some nights. Once I got back to the states, I had decided that I needed to leave him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. After I left him, he would call and text me constantly. He would bother my friends. He threatened to ruin my life. He threatened to come and find me and beat me within an inch of my life... Luckily, I had some amazing friends behind me, including Zach who I'd just gotten back into contact with while I was in France. I had places to go if he came back. I had friends willing to stand up for me. The last time I heard from him was back in September of 2014. It's been a long journey, but Saturday marks one year of being rid of that monster....
I met him at an anime convention called Anime Midwest in July. I had been playing a card game in one of the game rooms and he walked in to join in the next round. We were playing and talking from around 11pm to 4am the next day. Afterwards, I went back to my hotel room to change since I had a different cosplay to wear for the day. I came back and we began talking again. We both talked a lot about our pasts and pretty much spilled our guts. Then we kissed... We exchanged phone numbers before we went our separate ways. We texted and called since we lived about 130 miles apart. Finally one day he asked me out. I said yes. At the time, I couldn't tell anyone because he is 6 years older than I am and I was only 17 at the time, making him 23.
We planned to meet up once a month. To be honest, those first couple months were wonderful. The first month he came up, I wasn't actually sure if he would show up. I was terrified, but once I saw him sitting by his car at what later became our meeting place my mind was at ease. That first month, he just came up for the day. After that, he'd stay usually Friday night to Sunday morning at a hotel and I'd either stay with him while my mum thought I was at a friend's or only visit during the day.
Although I told him I wasn't comfortable having sex for the first few months, he'd still tease me and strip me and eventually fuck me... It made me feel dirty, to be honest... In October, he came out for the weekend of my senior homecoming. Instead of going to the dance like I wanted to, he talked me into spending the night in the hotel room. Luckily, my two friends talked him into taking me to a haunted house with them. Afterwards, we went to Culver's for custard. He had to take a call and went outside. After about 20 minutes, he was still talking so I went out to go check on him. He was all the way across the parking lot so I ran towards him... That was the first time I saw his violent side. I almost was kicked in the face because he had wanted to be left alone... I fell to the pavement sobbing because it scared me so much... My friends went home and he took me back to the hotel, telling me to stop crying the entire way there. Once we got to the hotel and I finally calmed down, he took me into the shower and washed me up (my friend painted my face to look like a tabby cat). The rest of that weekend was fairly uneventful.
As the months went on, he got more aggressive. For instance, I have a thing about not being pinned down during sex because of the rape... He'd get a kick out of that when I'd start begging him to stop... He'd practically choke me to the point of passing out during sex. He began groping me in public, and not like the light-tap-on-the-ass kind but the full on hand-down-your-pants kind.... I'd call him out on it and tell him I was uncomfortable with it, but he'd just laugh and do it more. I gave up after a while because I knew it didn't matter. This cycle continued until I first left him. I was strong for a good 3 days. Until he came up to my work and waited for me to get off. He threatened to hurt me if I didn't get back together with him, so I did..... I wasn't happy being with him.... Not really.
Last year, over Valentine's day was another convention called Anime Milwaukee. I convinced him to go. I had wanted to go to the ball with him that Friday night but instead he ended up wasting time and we missed it. I normally wear collars on a regular basis and there was a vendor selling leashes. Can you guess what he did? I ended up getting hurt a lot that weekend because of that leash. There was a rave that Saturday and we decided to go. I went in a skimpy little dress and had a pair of shorts on underneath. He continually put his hand down my dress and tried taking off my shorts and underwear at the rave. I started crying and asking him why he only cared about sex... We left the rave, well... I left and he followed... I sat on a bench and started bawling. He just stared at me for a bit... Then he started screaming at me, telling me how I was making a scene and people were staring. I had 6 people come over and ask if I was okay/if he was bothering me. I wish I had said something to them, but he kept turning them away saying I was just having a bad day and was tired. After I started calming down, he escorted me to my hotel, slapped me on the ass and told me to be a good girl and text him in the morning. That was probably the worst weekend....
The last time we saw each other was in March because I was unable to see him in April due to my trip to France. He took one look at me when we saw each other and said that I'd gained too much weight and needed to lose it asap all the while knowing I have a history of anorexia... I sat in the hotel room's tub with the door locked and lights off and sobbed for a good 3 hours. He never asked if I was okay.... He instead turned on the tv and would bang on the wall if my crying became too loud. Once I came out, he smacked me on the back and told me I was a terrible person.
While I was in France, he got really mad at me quite a few times because I didn't have time to talk to him. Our schedule was completely full and we wouldn't get back until around 10pm some nights. Once I got back to the states, I had decided that I needed to leave him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. After I left him, he would call and text me constantly. He would bother my friends. He threatened to ruin my life. He threatened to come and find me and beat me within an inch of my life... Luckily, I had some amazing friends behind me, including Zach who I'd just gotten back into contact with while I was in France. I had places to go if he came back. I had friends willing to stand up for me. The last time I heard from him was back in September of 2014. It's been a long journey, but Saturday marks one year of being rid of that monster....
Friday, April 24, 2015
24th April 2015, 3.22pm
I haven't been on here in a while... There's a lot going on right now. I'm preparing for finals, I signed up for next semester's classes, I'm figuring out what I want out of life... I actually ended up changing majors this semester around Easter. I decided to become a theatre major rather than chemistry. I don't really know what to talk about. Next week is 2 months without cutting. I've almost caved in to the urges multiple times this week alone... It's hard being so far away from Zach for so long... He's my rock and I'm his. When I think about all that I've accomplished in just a year, it's amazing... I went to France, I got a tattoo, I left an abusive relationship, I started college... I'm actually really proud of myself for all of it... I feel like I should be further along with my life, but... I don't know really. I just have been having a rough week. Only 22 days until I'm home for the summer, which is nice. I'm going to hang out with my friend Ben tonight. I meant him through theatre. There are a lot of things on my mind right now, but I can't really focus on just one idea.... It sucks. I should really get to work on my homework... I'm going to be super busy with work this weekend... *sigh* I can't wait to quit dining services.
Monday, March 2, 2015
2nd March 2015, 6.44pm
So today is day one of no self harm... I got really depressed over the weekend and cut... I was even making plans as the best way to end my life. Luckily, I have an amazing boyfriend and wonderful friends by my side. I am so lucky to have them.....
Thursday, February 26, 2015
26th February 2015, 9.52am
I feel so fucking worthless right now. I just want to kill myself and get it over with.... I just hope I can make it to spring break... Maybe things will get better... I might be going to the doctor with Zach while I'm home so I can try to get some medication to help with my flashbacks and nightmares. I'm just really scared of being sent back to the hospital...
Friday, February 20, 2015
20th February 2015, 5.42pm
Lately I've been thinking about in middle school when I was suffering from an eating disorder. I keep thinking how everyone always commented on how pretty and skinny I was and it just.... It really makes me cry. My friends and family watched as I starved myself and actually encouraged it. I get that maybe they didn't mean to, but that's what they were doing.
Surprisingly, this wasn't even the worst. This was October 30th, 2009. In this picture I was still about 135lbs. I later got down to about 120lbs. I used to think I was so pretty in this picture. I loved that I was so small... Hell, I used to miss this.... A lot. Sometimes, I still have days where I want to do this again even though I know how hard it was on my body. I was constantly sick and cold. It was honestly terrible.
Even almost 6 years later, I'm still not fully recovered from this time in my life. My boyfriend at the time always told me that he loved how skinny I was. I wanted to make him happy (since he was my first boyfriend, after all) so I continued starving myself.
Last year was probably the hardest since 2009 and I was very close to starving myself again. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and he would always tell me that if I gained a single pound he would leave me, no questions asked. He would point out every roll and stretch mark and tell me how ugly "fat chicks" are. I became very self conscious again. I thought he was only saying those things because he loved me and didn't want to see me unhealthy. Truth is, I'm a fairly healthy weight. Granted, I could stand to lose a pound or two but that's just me.
For the past 9 months I have been trying so hard to dig myself out of this hole that he helped me dig. I am so lucky to have such an understanding and caring boyfriend now... I really can't believe how lucky I am sometimes. He understands that I still have my days and I probably always will. Whenever he can, he checks up on me and asks what I've eaten. He doesn't get mad if I haven't eaten much that day. He really understands how hard it is for me some days. The only time he's gotten mad at me was when I lied about having eaten for a week. I hate when I lie to him, but I hate disappointing him even more.
Surprisingly, this wasn't even the worst. This was October 30th, 2009. In this picture I was still about 135lbs. I later got down to about 120lbs. I used to think I was so pretty in this picture. I loved that I was so small... Hell, I used to miss this.... A lot. Sometimes, I still have days where I want to do this again even though I know how hard it was on my body. I was constantly sick and cold. It was honestly terrible.
Even almost 6 years later, I'm still not fully recovered from this time in my life. My boyfriend at the time always told me that he loved how skinny I was. I wanted to make him happy (since he was my first boyfriend, after all) so I continued starving myself.
Last year was probably the hardest since 2009 and I was very close to starving myself again. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and he would always tell me that if I gained a single pound he would leave me, no questions asked. He would point out every roll and stretch mark and tell me how ugly "fat chicks" are. I became very self conscious again. I thought he was only saying those things because he loved me and didn't want to see me unhealthy. Truth is, I'm a fairly healthy weight. Granted, I could stand to lose a pound or two but that's just me.
For the past 9 months I have been trying so hard to dig myself out of this hole that he helped me dig. I am so lucky to have such an understanding and caring boyfriend now... I really can't believe how lucky I am sometimes. He understands that I still have my days and I probably always will. Whenever he can, he checks up on me and asks what I've eaten. He doesn't get mad if I haven't eaten much that day. He really understands how hard it is for me some days. The only time he's gotten mad at me was when I lied about having eaten for a week. I hate when I lie to him, but I hate disappointing him even more.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
18th February 2015, 1.51pm
I feel completely lost, to be honest. I don't feel like I've been getting better, but I don't think I've gotten worse. Is it possible to have no more ups and downs? Is it possible to just plateau in this gray area where nothing is good or bad, it just is? I swear, I'm not completely insane. I may be missing bits and pieces of sanity, but I am no where near insane. Even my relationship with Zach has seemed to become.... Run of the mill. We try to keep things interesting, but it's hard being 2 1/2 hours apart... I was thankful to see him this past weekend for Valentine's day. We had a lot of fun, but now we're back in reality and it honestly kind of just sucks. I wish he and I could afford to get a place together and be able to live together like we both want.
He gave me a ring for Valentine's day. He says that as long as I have it and wear it, it means that our love will conquer all (not his exact words, but he isn't terribly astonishing with them). I absolutely adore the ring. I'm not one to wear rings usually, but I can't seem to take the thing off. It's as if it's meant to be there. Many people believe that we are engaged since I wear it on my left ring finger. Truth is, I just don't like having anything on my right hand/wrist. I've always been like that. Bracelets and the such just bother me while writing if they are on my dominant hand.
Zach really does make me incredibly happy. I truly hope he knows that. I wish I could let him know that just because I'm not always smiling on the outside doesn't mean that I'm not having fun/happy. I'm just not the type of person to show enjoyment and happiness. I haven't been for quite a few years now. There have been times where he thinks I'm mad at him when I just don't have the energy to smile. It's not that I'm upset, I'm just tired. It's not that I'm tired of faking smiles and happiness, I am literally just tired. I have been so exhausted lately and I feel like it has really taken its toll on our relationship. I don't know if anyone actually reads this. I don't know if I even care. This was supposed to just be somewhere that I can leave my thoughts without having to worry about judgement. So, I guess if no one reads this then there is no judgement. I feel bad when I don't write for a while, but college has taken a lot out of me. I love the experience, but I absolutely dread the downfall after everything has finished and it's time to sit down and do homework. I normally end up on Tumblr or Facebook, but today I ended up here. I don't know. I'm just upset. Zach wrote me a lovely note that helps when I feel like this, although he doesn't believe much of what I say anymore it seems.... He wrote it one day when I was extremely depressed and wanting to not eat anymore. I had asked him why he loves me and the note was his response.
It reads "Because you're perfect to me. I love you for you. I didn't fall in love with you for your body. I fell in love with you for you and you've always been like this for as long as I've known you. Why do you think I let you get your hair cut? Because I love the you that I've always known and loved."
It makes me feel so much better when I read it, but some days a note isn't enough and he doesn't seem to understand that. He feels that I've just been lying about the note helping which isn't true at all. Some days are just worse than others... I wish I could fix myself. I wish I wasn't completely terrified of asking for help. I wish I could afford the help I need... I feel like I'm just a big disappointment for everyone around me and I absolutely hate this feeling but it won't go away and nothing I do helps 100% right now and I'm slowly running out of options. I love Zach unconditionally, but I can't stand to watch him be dragged back down because of me. I know that if I told him that, he'd fight me tooth and nail because I know he loves me just as much, if not more, as I love him. I am totally head over heels for him and that is why I can't watch this. It was hard enough seeing him in the hospital when we were just friends. I can't imagine doing that as his girlfriend/fiance/wife/whatever I am to him now. I cried so much the day he was admitted.... I can't go through that again. I can't let him get bad again... I don't know if that means that I need to just pretend that I'm better or... Or if I need to leave and act like none of this meant the world to me. Every time I think of the latter, I cry like the absolute baby I am. I don't know... I'll be back later, I guess...
He gave me a ring for Valentine's day. He says that as long as I have it and wear it, it means that our love will conquer all (not his exact words, but he isn't terribly astonishing with them). I absolutely adore the ring. I'm not one to wear rings usually, but I can't seem to take the thing off. It's as if it's meant to be there. Many people believe that we are engaged since I wear it on my left ring finger. Truth is, I just don't like having anything on my right hand/wrist. I've always been like that. Bracelets and the such just bother me while writing if they are on my dominant hand.
Zach really does make me incredibly happy. I truly hope he knows that. I wish I could let him know that just because I'm not always smiling on the outside doesn't mean that I'm not having fun/happy. I'm just not the type of person to show enjoyment and happiness. I haven't been for quite a few years now. There have been times where he thinks I'm mad at him when I just don't have the energy to smile. It's not that I'm upset, I'm just tired. It's not that I'm tired of faking smiles and happiness, I am literally just tired. I have been so exhausted lately and I feel like it has really taken its toll on our relationship. I don't know if anyone actually reads this. I don't know if I even care. This was supposed to just be somewhere that I can leave my thoughts without having to worry about judgement. So, I guess if no one reads this then there is no judgement. I feel bad when I don't write for a while, but college has taken a lot out of me. I love the experience, but I absolutely dread the downfall after everything has finished and it's time to sit down and do homework. I normally end up on Tumblr or Facebook, but today I ended up here. I don't know. I'm just upset. Zach wrote me a lovely note that helps when I feel like this, although he doesn't believe much of what I say anymore it seems.... He wrote it one day when I was extremely depressed and wanting to not eat anymore. I had asked him why he loves me and the note was his response.
It reads "Because you're perfect to me. I love you for you. I didn't fall in love with you for your body. I fell in love with you for you and you've always been like this for as long as I've known you. Why do you think I let you get your hair cut? Because I love the you that I've always known and loved."
It makes me feel so much better when I read it, but some days a note isn't enough and he doesn't seem to understand that. He feels that I've just been lying about the note helping which isn't true at all. Some days are just worse than others... I wish I could fix myself. I wish I wasn't completely terrified of asking for help. I wish I could afford the help I need... I feel like I'm just a big disappointment for everyone around me and I absolutely hate this feeling but it won't go away and nothing I do helps 100% right now and I'm slowly running out of options. I love Zach unconditionally, but I can't stand to watch him be dragged back down because of me. I know that if I told him that, he'd fight me tooth and nail because I know he loves me just as much, if not more, as I love him. I am totally head over heels for him and that is why I can't watch this. It was hard enough seeing him in the hospital when we were just friends. I can't imagine doing that as his girlfriend/fiance/wife/whatever I am to him now. I cried so much the day he was admitted.... I can't go through that again. I can't let him get bad again... I don't know if that means that I need to just pretend that I'm better or... Or if I need to leave and act like none of this meant the world to me. Every time I think of the latter, I cry like the absolute baby I am. I don't know... I'll be back later, I guess...
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
28th January 2015, 7.15am
My body's mad at me... I've hardly been eating... I just can't get myself to eat... I'm never hungry or I'm not in the mood for the options I have available... Oh well. Good way to get skinny again.... Maybe I should just stop eating all together... I mostly just drink water now... I had milk last night while on break... I just.... I don't know... I don't want to eat...
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
25th January 2015, 8.34pm
My depression's been getting worse. Actually, at this point I'm not sure if I'm depressed or bipolar. Both seem to be viable options at this point. I literally laid in the dark in bed for a good 2 hours today. It's getting hard to eat too.
Friday, January 23, 2015
6.03pm
My roommate is still asleep. I gave up and turned my music and lights on. She stirred a bit, but nothing else. I'm trying to give her a taste of her own god damn medicine.
23rd January 2015, 9.15am
My roommate has a 9am class. Guess who's still snoring in bed. I'm being a tad passive aggressive and playing music and typing loudly. She's rude when I'm trying to fall asleep so I'm going to be rude while she's sleeping. See how much she likes it. It's only the first week and she's already getting on my nerves. This is bad. This is VERY VERY BAD!
Thursday, January 22, 2015
22nd January 2015, 3.31pm
Called into work today. Last call in I can use for the rest of the damn fucking year. Classes went well. I've decided that I need to prioritize better this semester, so I'm only allowed on here after I've finished tomorrow's homework. Luckily, I finished tomorrow's homework before class today! I met a really awesome guy in my English class. He actually likes good music like what I like and NOT COUNTRY! Like that is huge. I don't think you understand!!!
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
21st January 2015, 4.05pm
I've almost finished the homework for tomorrow. I have pep band tonight. I can't believe it's almost been 2 months since the last time I cut. I'm really proud of myself.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
20th January 2015, 9.49pm
School has started up again. I have a new roommate. I'm trying to keep an open mind, but it's hard when she's been here for over 24 hours and STILL hasn't unpacked.... I can't stand the mess and some of her stuff has spilled over onto my side due to the fact that she won't move her bookshelf that was placed on my side for storage before break. I'm thinking of moving it so that I can place my stuff where it SHOULD be... The clutter makes it hard for me to study... At least she's gone a lot...
Monday, January 12, 2015
12th January 2015, 8.55pm
It's been over a month since I last wrote here... I haven't really been using my laptop since winter break started... I've just been really depressed. Nothing out of the ordinary for me... All I feel like doing is cutting open my arms and bleeding out.... I'm sorry, but it's true. My family makes me feel worthless and they blame me for shit not getting done around the house even though I'm hardly ever home due to work whereas my sister is home all day and just plays around on her damn computer. It isn't fair. Why isn't she expected to do something for the household??? I can't wait to go back to school, honestly... I wish I could move out of this godforsaken house, but I just don't have the means to do so....
In other news, Zach and I have been back together for just over 5 months now. He's really the only thing holding me back from suicide at this point. I just don't want to push him over the edge... I don't want him to go back to the hospital. You see, he's the friend that admitted himself into a psychiatric facility back in July. We got back together shortly after he came home. I wish I could live with him.... He's starting college on Friday at WCTC (a technical school). He is going for network administrating. I don't understand computers all that much, but they make him happy so I'm happy for him. I'm so proud of him for going to school. He had planned on starting last fall, but because of the hospital stay and him moving out, there wasn't much time to sign up. He's my world...
I get to see my best friend on Wednesday. She's home for a few days and I haven't seen her since August. She moved in with her boyfriend down in Ohio. She wasn't supposed to be coming home until spring, but her parents gave her money for Christmas so that she could come home. I miss her so much... Her parents' house is just a block over from mine, so I used to go over there all the time and see her. Going from always seeing her to hardly even hearing from her was hard, but we make it work. I'm so excited to see her....
In other news, Zach and I have been back together for just over 5 months now. He's really the only thing holding me back from suicide at this point. I just don't want to push him over the edge... I don't want him to go back to the hospital. You see, he's the friend that admitted himself into a psychiatric facility back in July. We got back together shortly after he came home. I wish I could live with him.... He's starting college on Friday at WCTC (a technical school). He is going for network administrating. I don't understand computers all that much, but they make him happy so I'm happy for him. I'm so proud of him for going to school. He had planned on starting last fall, but because of the hospital stay and him moving out, there wasn't much time to sign up. He's my world...
I get to see my best friend on Wednesday. She's home for a few days and I haven't seen her since August. She moved in with her boyfriend down in Ohio. She wasn't supposed to be coming home until spring, but her parents gave her money for Christmas so that she could come home. I miss her so much... Her parents' house is just a block over from mine, so I used to go over there all the time and see her. Going from always seeing her to hardly even hearing from her was hard, but we make it work. I'm so excited to see her....
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