Thursday, February 26, 2015
26th February 2015, 9.52am
I feel so fucking worthless right now. I just want to kill myself and get it over with.... I just hope I can make it to spring break... Maybe things will get better... I might be going to the doctor with Zach while I'm home so I can try to get some medication to help with my flashbacks and nightmares. I'm just really scared of being sent back to the hospital...
Friday, February 20, 2015
20th February 2015, 5.42pm
Lately I've been thinking about in middle school when I was suffering from an eating disorder. I keep thinking how everyone always commented on how pretty and skinny I was and it just.... It really makes me cry. My friends and family watched as I starved myself and actually encouraged it. I get that maybe they didn't mean to, but that's what they were doing.
Surprisingly, this wasn't even the worst. This was October 30th, 2009. In this picture I was still about 135lbs. I later got down to about 120lbs. I used to think I was so pretty in this picture. I loved that I was so small... Hell, I used to miss this.... A lot. Sometimes, I still have days where I want to do this again even though I know how hard it was on my body. I was constantly sick and cold. It was honestly terrible.
Even almost 6 years later, I'm still not fully recovered from this time in my life. My boyfriend at the time always told me that he loved how skinny I was. I wanted to make him happy (since he was my first boyfriend, after all) so I continued starving myself.
Last year was probably the hardest since 2009 and I was very close to starving myself again. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and he would always tell me that if I gained a single pound he would leave me, no questions asked. He would point out every roll and stretch mark and tell me how ugly "fat chicks" are. I became very self conscious again. I thought he was only saying those things because he loved me and didn't want to see me unhealthy. Truth is, I'm a fairly healthy weight. Granted, I could stand to lose a pound or two but that's just me.
For the past 9 months I have been trying so hard to dig myself out of this hole that he helped me dig. I am so lucky to have such an understanding and caring boyfriend now... I really can't believe how lucky I am sometimes. He understands that I still have my days and I probably always will. Whenever he can, he checks up on me and asks what I've eaten. He doesn't get mad if I haven't eaten much that day. He really understands how hard it is for me some days. The only time he's gotten mad at me was when I lied about having eaten for a week. I hate when I lie to him, but I hate disappointing him even more.
Surprisingly, this wasn't even the worst. This was October 30th, 2009. In this picture I was still about 135lbs. I later got down to about 120lbs. I used to think I was so pretty in this picture. I loved that I was so small... Hell, I used to miss this.... A lot. Sometimes, I still have days where I want to do this again even though I know how hard it was on my body. I was constantly sick and cold. It was honestly terrible.
Even almost 6 years later, I'm still not fully recovered from this time in my life. My boyfriend at the time always told me that he loved how skinny I was. I wanted to make him happy (since he was my first boyfriend, after all) so I continued starving myself.
Last year was probably the hardest since 2009 and I was very close to starving myself again. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and he would always tell me that if I gained a single pound he would leave me, no questions asked. He would point out every roll and stretch mark and tell me how ugly "fat chicks" are. I became very self conscious again. I thought he was only saying those things because he loved me and didn't want to see me unhealthy. Truth is, I'm a fairly healthy weight. Granted, I could stand to lose a pound or two but that's just me.
For the past 9 months I have been trying so hard to dig myself out of this hole that he helped me dig. I am so lucky to have such an understanding and caring boyfriend now... I really can't believe how lucky I am sometimes. He understands that I still have my days and I probably always will. Whenever he can, he checks up on me and asks what I've eaten. He doesn't get mad if I haven't eaten much that day. He really understands how hard it is for me some days. The only time he's gotten mad at me was when I lied about having eaten for a week. I hate when I lie to him, but I hate disappointing him even more.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
18th February 2015, 1.51pm
I feel completely lost, to be honest. I don't feel like I've been getting better, but I don't think I've gotten worse. Is it possible to have no more ups and downs? Is it possible to just plateau in this gray area where nothing is good or bad, it just is? I swear, I'm not completely insane. I may be missing bits and pieces of sanity, but I am no where near insane. Even my relationship with Zach has seemed to become.... Run of the mill. We try to keep things interesting, but it's hard being 2 1/2 hours apart... I was thankful to see him this past weekend for Valentine's day. We had a lot of fun, but now we're back in reality and it honestly kind of just sucks. I wish he and I could afford to get a place together and be able to live together like we both want.
He gave me a ring for Valentine's day. He says that as long as I have it and wear it, it means that our love will conquer all (not his exact words, but he isn't terribly astonishing with them). I absolutely adore the ring. I'm not one to wear rings usually, but I can't seem to take the thing off. It's as if it's meant to be there. Many people believe that we are engaged since I wear it on my left ring finger. Truth is, I just don't like having anything on my right hand/wrist. I've always been like that. Bracelets and the such just bother me while writing if they are on my dominant hand.
Zach really does make me incredibly happy. I truly hope he knows that. I wish I could let him know that just because I'm not always smiling on the outside doesn't mean that I'm not having fun/happy. I'm just not the type of person to show enjoyment and happiness. I haven't been for quite a few years now. There have been times where he thinks I'm mad at him when I just don't have the energy to smile. It's not that I'm upset, I'm just tired. It's not that I'm tired of faking smiles and happiness, I am literally just tired. I have been so exhausted lately and I feel like it has really taken its toll on our relationship. I don't know if anyone actually reads this. I don't know if I even care. This was supposed to just be somewhere that I can leave my thoughts without having to worry about judgement. So, I guess if no one reads this then there is no judgement. I feel bad when I don't write for a while, but college has taken a lot out of me. I love the experience, but I absolutely dread the downfall after everything has finished and it's time to sit down and do homework. I normally end up on Tumblr or Facebook, but today I ended up here. I don't know. I'm just upset. Zach wrote me a lovely note that helps when I feel like this, although he doesn't believe much of what I say anymore it seems.... He wrote it one day when I was extremely depressed and wanting to not eat anymore. I had asked him why he loves me and the note was his response.
It reads "Because you're perfect to me. I love you for you. I didn't fall in love with you for your body. I fell in love with you for you and you've always been like this for as long as I've known you. Why do you think I let you get your hair cut? Because I love the you that I've always known and loved."
It makes me feel so much better when I read it, but some days a note isn't enough and he doesn't seem to understand that. He feels that I've just been lying about the note helping which isn't true at all. Some days are just worse than others... I wish I could fix myself. I wish I wasn't completely terrified of asking for help. I wish I could afford the help I need... I feel like I'm just a big disappointment for everyone around me and I absolutely hate this feeling but it won't go away and nothing I do helps 100% right now and I'm slowly running out of options. I love Zach unconditionally, but I can't stand to watch him be dragged back down because of me. I know that if I told him that, he'd fight me tooth and nail because I know he loves me just as much, if not more, as I love him. I am totally head over heels for him and that is why I can't watch this. It was hard enough seeing him in the hospital when we were just friends. I can't imagine doing that as his girlfriend/fiance/wife/whatever I am to him now. I cried so much the day he was admitted.... I can't go through that again. I can't let him get bad again... I don't know if that means that I need to just pretend that I'm better or... Or if I need to leave and act like none of this meant the world to me. Every time I think of the latter, I cry like the absolute baby I am. I don't know... I'll be back later, I guess...
He gave me a ring for Valentine's day. He says that as long as I have it and wear it, it means that our love will conquer all (not his exact words, but he isn't terribly astonishing with them). I absolutely adore the ring. I'm not one to wear rings usually, but I can't seem to take the thing off. It's as if it's meant to be there. Many people believe that we are engaged since I wear it on my left ring finger. Truth is, I just don't like having anything on my right hand/wrist. I've always been like that. Bracelets and the such just bother me while writing if they are on my dominant hand.
Zach really does make me incredibly happy. I truly hope he knows that. I wish I could let him know that just because I'm not always smiling on the outside doesn't mean that I'm not having fun/happy. I'm just not the type of person to show enjoyment and happiness. I haven't been for quite a few years now. There have been times where he thinks I'm mad at him when I just don't have the energy to smile. It's not that I'm upset, I'm just tired. It's not that I'm tired of faking smiles and happiness, I am literally just tired. I have been so exhausted lately and I feel like it has really taken its toll on our relationship. I don't know if anyone actually reads this. I don't know if I even care. This was supposed to just be somewhere that I can leave my thoughts without having to worry about judgement. So, I guess if no one reads this then there is no judgement. I feel bad when I don't write for a while, but college has taken a lot out of me. I love the experience, but I absolutely dread the downfall after everything has finished and it's time to sit down and do homework. I normally end up on Tumblr or Facebook, but today I ended up here. I don't know. I'm just upset. Zach wrote me a lovely note that helps when I feel like this, although he doesn't believe much of what I say anymore it seems.... He wrote it one day when I was extremely depressed and wanting to not eat anymore. I had asked him why he loves me and the note was his response.
It reads "Because you're perfect to me. I love you for you. I didn't fall in love with you for your body. I fell in love with you for you and you've always been like this for as long as I've known you. Why do you think I let you get your hair cut? Because I love the you that I've always known and loved."
It makes me feel so much better when I read it, but some days a note isn't enough and he doesn't seem to understand that. He feels that I've just been lying about the note helping which isn't true at all. Some days are just worse than others... I wish I could fix myself. I wish I wasn't completely terrified of asking for help. I wish I could afford the help I need... I feel like I'm just a big disappointment for everyone around me and I absolutely hate this feeling but it won't go away and nothing I do helps 100% right now and I'm slowly running out of options. I love Zach unconditionally, but I can't stand to watch him be dragged back down because of me. I know that if I told him that, he'd fight me tooth and nail because I know he loves me just as much, if not more, as I love him. I am totally head over heels for him and that is why I can't watch this. It was hard enough seeing him in the hospital when we were just friends. I can't imagine doing that as his girlfriend/fiance/wife/whatever I am to him now. I cried so much the day he was admitted.... I can't go through that again. I can't let him get bad again... I don't know if that means that I need to just pretend that I'm better or... Or if I need to leave and act like none of this meant the world to me. Every time I think of the latter, I cry like the absolute baby I am. I don't know... I'll be back later, I guess...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)