31st March 2014, 8.48am

So I dyed my hair this weekend, but I need to redo the tips because well... They came out more caramel then black ahaha. Oh well! I can't believe I only have ten days until I leave for France! My stomach is churning because I'm so excited and yet so scared! I just wish I had an mp3 player, but I lost mine. Maybe I could buy one off a friend. Hmmm. haha.

Far Too Late

As she just laid in the middle of her bedroom floor, the thought popped into her mind. Not one of boys or clothes. No. She thought of nooses and different poisons and how to properly overdose. She thought of how little people would care and how easy it would be to just end it all. She had decided to do it that night. She decided to cut her arms and stomach before she hanged herself. She cut her stomach and as the blood ran down her legs, she cut her arms vertically as she had been taught on all those how-to sites. As she began to lose consciousness, she stepped up onto the stool and faced the pre-tied noose. She slipped her head through the hole; she blacked out and fell forward. The knot tightened as she fell off the stool. It took a few hours for her to die since she hadn't broken her neck. Her younger brother found her hanging, swinging in the basement. He sat there and cried in a pool of her blood as he clung to her dangling legs. The police went through her computer's internet history and found tens of hundreds of how-to sites. How to: tie a noose, cut yourself, hide self harm scars, etc. That's when they realized how blind they had been. That's when they saw how broken she was. That's when they knew she had needed help but they'd ignored her pleads to be noticed, to be cared about. That's when they knew it had been too late to save their little girl....

27th March 2014, 10.16am

Today I am just tired. I was having a bad day, but then I went to my AP statistics class and my day got a bit better. Now it's getting worse again. I don't really know what to talk about right now. I'm just trying not to cry again...

Newest story I wrote...

 “Come here sweet child. I heard you were having a bad day. I can fix that. Just take this. You know what to do with it.”

“I… I can’t take this… I may be having a bad day, but I don’t need to bleed to be okay. I’m better now. Please just go away…”

“You know you need me and the pain. We make you normal. We make it so you can live. Do you not want that cuz I know someone who can help with that.”

“No! I want to live… I want to be normal, but… Hurting myself doesn’t make me normal.”

“Yes it does. You can’t function without us. You need us. Stop pretending you don’t you fucking bitch.”

“I… I don’t need you, though… I’ve been doing so much better without you guys. Stop… Please just leave me alone.”
“You know you miss it. The rush, the adrenaline pumping through your veins. You miss your little secrets. Hell, you even miss hiding the fucking evidence. Just admit it already.”

“N-No! I don’t m-miss it whatsoever… Why won’t you just leave me alone??”

“You fucking need us! Don’t try and get rid of us you fucking pussy! You know you want to slice open your fucking veins! Remember, down the road. Not across the street. Not unless you just want attention. Is that what you want?!?”

“N… No… Please ju—“

“Shut up! Let your blood free! You’re fucking useless anyways! You should just kill yourself! Go fucking die!”

“P-Please stop. Go aw—“

“Come on you coward! Hang yourself! Everyone fucking hates you anyways! Just do it you fucking pussy!”

“I’m beggi—“

“I said shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fucking hell up!! No one cares what you have to say! No one cares about you! No one would even notice if you fucking died! Stop your fucking crying! You’re making a god damn scene!”

“I’m sorry….”

“You better fucking be! Are you going to listen to me now? I’m the only one that cares about you, ya know. I know what’s best for you… It’s okay, sweetie. Smile. I can make it all better.”

“O-Okay. I trust you…”

“Good. Now, are you ready? I want you to follow my lead, child. Let me help you. Let me show you how to do it.”

“Okay…”

“That’s it… Be careful now. We don’t want you to bleed out before we get the rope…”

“Yessum…”

“You remember how to tie the knot, right?”

“Y… Yeah…”

“Good. Good. Come now. Make sure you’ll have enough room to drop. Don’t want to be able to stand, do we? Too many times have you escaped my grasp…”

“I know… I’m sorry… It won’t happen again… I promise…”

“There, there child. It will all be okay. I’ll hold you until it’s over.”

“Okay… Thank you… Should I leave a note…?”

“No. They don’t deserve an answer!”

“But… What about h—“

“As if he ever gave two shits about you! Let the bastard rot in fucking hell for all I care! Hurry it up! Someone’s coming!!!”

“Oh… Okay…”

*there’s a muffled thud as the chair falls back*

“Hush now, quiet now. It’s time to go to bed… Hush now, quiet now. Lay down your sleepy head… There, there child… It’s all over now… No one will ever hurt you again…”

26th March 2014, 10.32am

Lately, I've been reading creepypasta stories. I've become obsessed with Laughing Jack and Jeff the Killer. Last night I even did Jeff's makeup. It looked pretty good, too! I walked around town with it on and got a lot of weird looks but it made me happy so I don't give a fuck.

Sorry that it's sideways, but I don't feel like trying to fix it right now. That's too much work at the moment. I was so happy with how it came out!!! Hopefully I will be dying my hair either Saturday or Sunday this week. I'll be dying it black and then I have to wait to get my hair cut, but it will be amazing and perfect. I'm so excited about all of this!!!

25th March 2014, 10.19am

I don't have my car for the rest of the week. Excuse me not MY car, my sister's car. I got screamed and yelled at the entire way to school because my mother had to get up early to give me a ride to school. I ended up crying at school. I hate crying in the first place, but crying in public is the worst. I hate it. My mother yelled at me telling me how ungrateful I am and how I'm just a brat. I'd like to think I'm not, but I realize my opinion doesn't fucking matter.

When my sister is home, it's as if I don't exist unless I do something wrong. It doesn't matter if my sister was the problem, it's always my fault. No matter what is happening, I get yelled at. If I'm not getting yelled at, I don't exist to my mother. I literally went to bed at 8.30pm last night because no one even realized I was home. They were asking where I was when I was standing right next to them. I'm invisible. I hope this keeps up so I can get away with smoking a bit after school today. I don't want to deal with them today. Luckily, my mum will be out until around 9.30pm and my sister is in Chicago, IL visiting a friend.

Yesterday was my four week mark and today is the one month mark. Pretty great, right? WRONG! I'm super stressed and have been shaking periodically because I'm so addicted to the pain.

24th March 2014, 8.45am

Today marks four weeks of no cutting. It's kind of a bittersweet moment in all honesty. I miss the feeling, but I don't miss hiding. I have quite a few people that have stood by my side this entire time and others who only want to be with me when I am happy and that pisses me off. I just want people who care.

22nd March 2014, 6.56pm

I have just been chilling so much just today. It's actually really nice. I missed sleeping in on Saturday mornings.... I just want to sleep, though. I just want to cuddle with my fiance. I just want to smoke and sleep. That sounds so perfect, doesn't it?

This is why I shouldn't get bored.....

Hush little baby, don’t say a word. Mama’s gonna buy you a mocking bird….

“There, there sweet child. Everything’s okay, I promise. Mama’s here now and nothing will ever hurt you…. Mommy’s going to protect you forever. You’re mommy’s sweet little angel sent from heaven just for me. I can’t wait to see you grow up and watch you become a beautiful young woman. Mama wants to watch her angel float down the aisle towards her one true love.”

“Who are you talking to? That thing doesn’t understand what you’re saying. You are a monster for having that… that THING!”

“Quiet… You’re going to wake the baby…! I just got her to sleep…”

“I don’t think she’ll be waking up any time soon. You used to be so innocent… That is until that thing came into your life. You became a monster the day it was conceived. Just give up already. You are a worthless, good for nothing monster.”

“Stop it…. Stop it right now! I am NOT a monster! She’s mommy’s little angel…. Why can’t you just leave us be…??”

“That child deserved better than you. That child was a demon. That child should never have been given life. That child was conceived under an oath with the Devil himself. What you’ve done to that child is so incredibly selfish. That child would have been better off never even being thought of in the first place.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! You don’t understand how much this child means to me! I hate what has happened but I can’t fix it! I just can’t!!”

“Oh quit your crying. That won’t fix anything you fucking moron. That child is gone! Get over it for fuck sake! You need to clean this mess up before that man gets home. Don’t want him to beat ya. That’s my job.”

“Y-you’re right…. I need to clean up… He’ll hit me if he sees this mess… What have I done….?”

“You’ve done nothing. I’m the one who did it but you’ll still get sent to prison. Maybe they will even kill you. I mean, what you’ve done IS murder. You killed that child. Thank fucking god…”

“Stop it! Just stop it! I didn’t murder my baby! I love her! Please just leave me alone…. I need to clean this mess up before he gets home… He hates when the house isn’t tidy…”

“He’ll notice something’s wrong. Just fucking tell him. Maybe instead of calling the cops, he’ll kill you himself. An eye for an eye sorta thing. Seems fair, right?”

“Please…. Just stop… I can’t handle this right now…”

“Make me you fucking worthless whore. That child is dead because of you!”

“You’re… You’re right… I have to be there for my baby… I have to go be with her… I’m so sorry…”

“Hey… HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! PUT THAT DOWN! YOU CAN’T JUST FUCKING DO THIS! WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT YOU?!? I NEED YOU MORE THAN—“

*the gun goes off and then there is silence*

11.09am

I'm so obsessed at this point that even pictures and videos of newborns crying warm my heart.

I find that ADORABLE! I don't know what to do. I haven't been this obsessed with something in a LONG time now. I just want a child to call my own. One that I can hold while they cry and comfort them and tell them that everything's going to be okay and how much mommy loves them. I want that.... I want to be able to hold this small being in my arms and just shower them with kisses and love... Is that too much to ask for...?

10.25am

I feel as though I'm not really here right now. I feel as though I'm just an observer who isn't supposed to talk or interact with others. I am just supposed to observe and sit and listen and take notes on what I notice. I don't mind but it can be kind of boring.

Lately I've been obsessed with babies. I want one... I really want a child of my own. I would love to hold my own flesh and blood close to my heart as I sing to them....

21st March 2014, 8.22am

I have been doing okay. Just super tired. I just want to sleep. I will.... Tonight..

19th March 2014, 10.29am

I feel like I'm going crazy these past couple of days.... I just don't know what to do at this point because I just don't want to go back to the mental institution... Maybe I just need more sleep... I don't know...

On the other hand, I'm almost 4 weeks without cutting. That's going to be on the 24th. I'm kind of happy that I'm back on track with this. I really want to be cut free once I go off to college.... Could you imagine my roommate walking in on me cutting?! That would be terrible! I would feel so awful if that happened. That's why I want to quit before college starts up.... I have just over 6 months to quit.

18th March 2014, 10.32am

I thought about killing her last night. It would have been simple. Just take a bottle of sleeping pills and just sleep. It's truly that easy. She had to fucking ruin our plans though by fucking telling people. She's such a whiny bitch. Guess what whore, it's your own fault that we are in this fucking mess! I swear to god that I'm going to fucking slit the bitch's throat if she doesn't pipe down. For fuck sake!!! She keeps screaming for me to let her out. NOT THIS TIME! I'm finally the one in complete control and I am NOT going back!

The bitch who's been writing this blog isn't as innocent as you think. She has done horrible things and still is doing horrible things. I had to stop her. You understand, don't you? She's not going to be around much anymore. I'm calling the shots now and whatever I say, goes. Got it?

16th March 2014, 5.18pm

Yeah yeah. I know it's the weekend, but I wanted to write about it before I forgot.

My fiance came out this weekend. He wasn't supposed to come out until Saturday, but decided to come on Friday so we got to spend a lot of the weekend together which was amazing. He gave me my ring finally (which I somehow managed to lose already.....). I know I say a lot of bad things about him on here, but he really is a sweetheart... He holds me when I cry and cuddles with me and tells me how lucky he is to be with me. He can always manage to put a smile on my face and that's the important part, right? I really do think he's the one for me and even if he isn't, I don't want anyone else. He makes me happy. He makes me feel loved. He makes me feel protected. He makes me feel special. And I love him. For all of that. He means the world to me and I just wish he could see it too.

Anyways, on Friday and Saturday I got to hang out with him and cuddle with him until 11pm both nights. It was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I still have no idea how I'm supposed to tell my parents about him. Should I just tell them the truth? Or should I lie about how long we have been together? I just don't know which would be better. Sometimes I think I should tell them now, but then I remember the whole 6 year difference between the two of us..... I wish I could show him off... I really think my mum would like him (I'm not so sure about my dad, however).

14th March 2014, 10.17am

My mind is just racing today. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that I will be in France in just under a month now. I don't know how I should feel. I feel like I'm no where close to being ready. There's a lot I still need to finish up before I go....

I haven't cut in almost three weeks. I'm getting better I think but I want to cut right now so what does that say? I don't know I just don't know anymore.

I don't want to go to work today. It's a short shift though so it shouldn't be too terrible.

I just wanted to put this here. There is no rhyme or reason for this. Just wanted to.

13th March 2014, 10.08am

Scholarship frenzy!!!!!

11th March 2014, 10.04am

Last night was just a bad night. My fiance and I ended up fighting more. I'm done with this but I love him. I wonder if he actually loves me anymore though. He kept saying I'm abusive because I was asking for some freaking respect. I don't know how much longer I can take this.... I ended up crying to one of his friends last night. I kept saying I deserved all of these "punishments" that my fiance comes up with for me. That he was just making sure that I behaved myself... This morning I realized how crazy that really sounds. I just want to have a good relationship for once but it seems that I'm doomed to be hurt no matter who I'm with...

10th March 2014, 2.16pm

I'm done being everyone's bitch, but there is absolutely no way to get through life without kissing at least a few asses in the process unless I want to be a complete outcast. I have been on the brink of tears most of today and I still have to go to work later.... I thought about suicide for the first time in a while last night. I thought of just slicing open my wrists.... Just cutting a bit deeper than normal.... I thought of how it would feel to finally be out of all this chaos... I don't think I'd really be missing anything, though. I would just... Die. That's all it would be. It could be the end all, be all. I could simply end my life. There really isn't anything to stop me at this point anymore. I'm done being the one there for everyone then being the one left when in need myself. Life is so fucking pointless anyways.

6th March 2014, 8.41am

It seems that everyone is getting sick lately, including myself. I had to stay home yesterday because I had some sort of stomach flu and had been up at 2am that morning, puking my guts out for 5 hours straight. It was awful. At least I'm feeling better today. I missed two tests, however. My head is still pounding and I'd really like to just go home after school and sleep, but I can't. I have work from 3-7pm today. I'm not looking forward to this at all.

Besides being sick, nothing is new. I have solo/ensemble this Saturday, but it's not a big deal. I just hope my headache is gone by then!