Surprise, surprise.... My fiance and I got into another fight last night. I really don't want to talk about it at this point because I'd probably just end up crying again. I don't know if I can do this for an entire lifetime though. Maybe I should leave him. Maybe it would be for the best. I just want to have one more good night with him before I decide, but that's going to be hard. He isn't the man I fell in love with anymore. He is becoming more and more like his wrestling persona (in all honesty, I think he has a personality disorder but don't tell him that or he'll throw a hissy fit). This persona of his is horrible to me. Nero (the said persona) is abusive and manipulative and just out-right mean. Nero is the one that makes me cry. Nero is the one that makes me question whether I should be with my fiance or not. Nero is the only one that's mean to me. Even the one he calls BloodLust (the most violent and unstoppable of his personas) has fallen for me. He says that Nero likes me but I just can't see it. Nero is just an awful person and David needs to decide who is more important: me or Nero. I'm sick of having Nero come out while David's around me. I've decided to give David one more chance to suppress Nero or I'm gone. I can't handle this anymore. I fell in love with one man and ended up with about five or six guys. I feel bad saying that I'm willing to leave him, but I want to be able to raise kids with David. As long as Nero is around, I won't be able to do that. David says he loves me, but lately it's been hard to believe it because every time he says it, I can hear the undertones of Nero saying "He may love you, but he NEEDS me". That just terrifies me. I fear that he will end up choosing Nero over me. I mean, Nero has been around since David was at least five, maybe even younger. I just don't know what I'd do without David. He really does mean the world to me, but.... I just can't live in fear of Nero for the rest of my life.
I really don't know why I've been highlighting his name. Maybe to prove to myself how much my world really does revolve around this issue. Maybe to make it easier to show how much hurt he brings unto me. Maybe it's all just for show. For all you, the reader, knows I'm just lying through my teeth and there really isn't a David nor a Nero nor a BloodLust. Perhaps I am just making all of this up so I don't feel as lonely while all of my friends are off with their significant other. Maybe I'm just as delusional as I think David is. For all I know, I made all of them up and I'm actually just sitting inside of a psych ward. Maybe I'm the one with the personality disorder. I just don't know anymore. I don't know who I am or who you are for that matter. I just know we exist in some sense. What sense you ask? Hell if I know. But something has to be real, right? I couldn't have possibly made all of this up. Some of this has to have some truth behind it. Maybe David's right. Maybe I really should be locked up (if I'm not already). I just want to know what to do and where to go. I just want to feel loved. Doesn't everybody? I think most people would like to think that they belong but in reality, no one belongs. We are all just these vessels that are here to carry others to their deaths. Why would we be here for any other reason? Perhaps it would be best if this vessel crashed and burned to the ground. Sounds quite lovely, no? I might just try.
"I wish that I could fly. Way up in the sky. Like a bird so high. Oh I might just try. Oh I might just try."
-"Bullet" by Hollywood Undead
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