28th February 2014, 10.13am

There really isn't much going on lately. I had pep band last night (the last one of my high school career). We went to Culver's afterwards as per usual. It was pretty awesome. I didn't end up getting home until about 10pm last night. I had a lot of fun. It was nice to get together with everyone one last time.

My mum bought me a new mouthpiece for my clarinet, too. It was kind of expensive.... It was 50$.... But dear lord does it make me sound awesome!

I really don't think there's much to say today. My fiance and I aren't fighting anymore. It's nice to have this peaceful period....

27th February 2014, 8.57am

My stomach hurts like all hell. I just want to go home right now. I don't want to have to hide my wrist until late tonight. I have pep band tonight too so that'll be interesting. Sorry about yesterday. I kind of regret writing all of that, but I refuse to delete it because I already published it and I have to stick to my guns. I think I just need some sleep.... I found this awesome Nightcore version of You're Gonna Go Far Kid. Here!

26th February 2014, 12.32pm

***Warning! Content below may be triggering***

I think I am finally ready to talk about some of my past with you guys, just... Don't freak out, okay? I mean my past isn't completely bad but there's a lot more bad than good. Fuck I don't even remember what I've told you guys already....

I guess it all started in the fall of 2004. I was in third grade and my parents had first split up (they got divorced the following spring). I had always been a big daddy's girl and still am. The divorce hit me pretty hard back then. In the fall of 2006, my father got remarried to my step mother. I was in fifth grade at that time and cried at the wedding because it meant that my parents were never going to get back together.

That next year I entered middle school and experienced bullying for the first time. I was called fat, ugly, etc. It really took it's toll on my self esteem. That same year, my first baby brother was born. In 2008, I entered seventh grade and the bullying got even worse. I was called a lesbian every day because I was willing to hug my friends. I was called fat because I ate when I was hungry. I was called ugly because I refused to wear dresses/skirts and make up. That's the year I start cutting. At first I only did it when I came home crying, but by the end of the school year I was cutting every day.  Throughout that summer I only wore jeans and sweatshirts because I figured out that I could cut anywhere on my body, not just my wrists. In eighth grade I was subjected to even more bullying. One of my friends ended up trying to kill herself. That was my first introduction to suicide. After that, I was hooked. I became obsessed with death and pain and suffering. I began to play the choking game by myself. Throughout that entire year I had been starving myself and my lowest weight was around 120 lbs. I loved it and I thought I looked beautiful that way. That year, I also had my first "long term" relationship. I was with this boy from October 9th, 2009 until April 2010. He didn't actually know about my cutting habits or the suicidal thoughts until we became freshman in high school.

I was still starving myself by the time I started my freshman year. I became kind of popular my freshman year with, what you could say, the "wrong crowd". A few seniors that I had met through my band class had become interested in me and who was I to turn them down? I hung out with them a lot and even got involved with one by the end of the year. BUT before getting involved with the senior boy, I was sexually assaulted during spring break that year. It was by a boy that I knew who is a year older than I. I don't feel like going into detail about it, but he stalked me for the next two years (until he graduated) and I ended up in a psych ward after the sexual assault because I had tried to kill myself about a week after he had done it. He wouldn't stop texting me and Facebooking me about how good it had felt for him and if it had felt that good for me. I couldn't take it anymore so I tried hanging myself, but my best friend came and got me down. She held me while I cried and told her everything. One of my teachers found out about my little stunt and I got sent to the counseling office with my mother. That's how I got sent to the psych ward. It was the worst week of my life because for an entire week I was told how it had been my fault and how I couldn't possibly be anorexic because I was still fat.

By the time I got back, I had lost friends and the boyfriend I had been with because I was "too crazy to deal with". I felt alone and I turned to burning, cutting, and smoking. I felt alone and I just wanted to feel better about myself. I quit smoking after about a year. I stopped burning after about three years, but I still cut. I still get bullied day in and day out. A lot of people don't see it, but it does happen. My relationships have all been abusive in some way or another. I have been physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused. I finally lost the name as the school slut after the guy who sexually assaulted me graduated and moved away (he had gone around bragging about how easy I was even though we didn't have sex).

So yeah. There's the majority of it. Sorry this took so long to write (I'm assuming it takes a while to read as well). I appreciate you reading this entire thing and I'm sorry for blogging about this....

EDIT

I didn't put EVERYTHING down. Just the absolute most important, but there's actually more (including another sexual assault).

10.16am

I'm just upset at this point. I just want to sleep, but I really need to pay attention right now. I still don't know what to name my Neko persona.... I wish I knew a good name. Maybe I could go onto one of those forums for furries and ask them for some help. Fuck if I know.

25th February 2014, 8.33am

Surprise, surprise.... My fiance and I got into another fight last night. I really don't want to talk about it at this point because I'd probably just end up crying again. I don't know if I can do this for an entire lifetime though. Maybe I should leave him. Maybe it would be for the best. I just want to have one more good night with him before I decide, but that's going to be hard. He isn't the man I fell in love with anymore. He is becoming more and more like his wrestling persona (in all honesty, I think he has a personality disorder but don't tell him that or he'll throw a hissy fit). This persona of his is horrible to me. Nero (the said persona) is abusive and manipulative and just out-right mean. Nero is the one that makes me cry. Nero is the one that makes me question whether I should be with my fiance or not. Nero is the only one that's mean to me. Even the one he calls BloodLust (the most violent and unstoppable of his personas) has fallen for me. He says that Nero likes me but I just can't see it. Nero is just an awful person and David needs to decide who is more important: me or Nero. I'm sick of having Nero come out while David's around me. I've decided to give David one more chance to suppress Nero or I'm gone. I can't handle this anymore. I fell in love with one man and ended up with about five or six guys. I feel bad saying that I'm willing to leave him, but I want to be able to raise kids with David. As long as Nero is around, I won't be able to do that. David says he loves me, but lately it's been hard to believe it because every time he says it, I can hear the undertones of Nero saying "He may love you, but he NEEDS me". That just terrifies me. I fear that he will end up choosing Nero over me. I mean, Nero has been around since David was at least five, maybe even younger. I just don't know what I'd do without David. He really does mean the world to me, but.... I just can't live in fear of Nero for the rest of my life. 

I really don't know why I've been highlighting his name. Maybe to prove to myself how much my world really does revolve around this issue. Maybe to make it easier to show how much hurt he brings unto me. Maybe it's all just for show. For all you, the reader, knows I'm just lying through my teeth and there really isn't a David nor a Nero nor a BloodLust. Perhaps I am just making all of this up so I don't feel as lonely while all of my friends are off with their significant other. Maybe I'm just as delusional as I think David is. For all I know, I made all of them up and I'm actually just sitting inside of a psych ward. Maybe I'm the one with the personality disorder. I just don't know anymore. I don't know who I am or who you are for that matter. I just know we exist in some sense. What sense you ask? Hell if I know. But something has to be real, right? I couldn't have possibly made all of this up. Some of this has to have some truth behind it. Maybe David's right. Maybe I really should be locked up (if I'm not already). I just want to know what to do and where to go. I just want to feel loved. Doesn't everybody? I think most people would like to think that they belong but in reality, no one belongs. We are all just these vessels that are here to carry others to their deaths. Why would we be here for any other reason? Perhaps it would be best if this vessel crashed and burned to the ground. Sounds quite lovely, no? I might just try.

"I wish that I could fly. Way up in the sky. Like a bird so high. Oh I might just try. Oh I might just try."
                                                               -"Bullet" by Hollywood Undead

24th February 2014, 8.41am

So I'm starting from scratch again. I cut last night, but I really didn't tell anyone until now. Even my fiance doesn't know. I don't plan on telling him either. He always yells at me even when I just think about it so yeah. Just not going to deal with that this time.

I showered this morning and decided to weigh myself afterwards. I didn't really expect much because it's only been four days. I was assuming maybe like half a pound or something. You know, the normal fluctuation in a person's weight. I'm down to 187.2 lbs. Not too bad for only four days. 2.8 pound difference and only 87.2 pounds to go. It's sad but I'm kind of proud of losing 2.8 pounds already. I just can't wait until I get into the double digits for weight loss. I will be freaking ecstatic!

20th February 2014, 2.04pm

I've decided to start dieting again. I will allow myself only 400 calories a day for the first month and then slowly take away all calories until I'm at 0. My goal weight is 100lbs. I currently weigh 190lbs. Wish me luck!

19th February 2014, 2.30pm

So at the con, my fiance and I did get along for at least a little bit. He got some pretty cool pictures of me while I was all dressed up in my Neko stuff.  For those who don't, Neko is a half cat, half human creature. I only have my ears, two collars, and a leash but I plan on getting a tail and all. My Neko is a rave lynx. I haven't figured out her name yet, though. If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave a comment below!!!

I'm a seventeen year old girl who loves My Little Pony and I am PROUD!

18th February 2014, 10.06am

The con was amazing besides my asshole of a fiance.  I ended up crying a lot Saturday night/Sunday morning because of him.

I bought some ears and a collar and an alpaca and some buttons. I'm thinking of uploading a pic of me with the ears and collar on. I don't know, though.

My one friend stayed home today because she was in an accident yesterday. Her bus went off the road and hit a tree after school. She seems to be doing fine, but I know that six kids were in the hospital as of last night.

My life's kind of dull right now. So yeah....

14th February 2014, 10.06am

It's Valentine's day, but I'm more excited about AmKe! I get to see my fiance tonight. We plan on dancing the night away :D

5.21pm

I realize that I should be working on homework or packing or finishing my cosplay, but I just can't seem to focus. I just want to sleep and not do anything until tomorrow. Luckily, tomorrow is AmKe. I've just been really depressed lately. I seriously should get to work on my quiz, but I just can't seem to keep myself on task. Tonight's pizza night since I won't be at home tomorrow. I also get paid tomorrow, which will be awesome. Any little bit of money will help. Crap.... I need to shave my legs before tomorrow too..... FUCK! I just don't have enough time in a day. I want to sleep. I want to dream. I want to get everything done, but I seriously can't focus. I have been watching my two dogs since I got home. They play so well together. One of my dogs is 3 and the other is 13. The three year old keeps the older one active. It's nice to see them play so well together. It makes me smile.... I love animals.... I have two cats, too. I used to have ferrets and hamsters but I just didn't have the time or funds to keep either. I can't wait for tomorrow night. I get to hold my fiance again. It sucks that I only get to see him once a month, but he has a steady job right now (which he did NOT have when we first met). I love him so much. I really just don't want to go to school tomorrow. I just want to sleep forever. I am done with school at this point. I hate life so much sometimes. I just wish there was an easier way to go through life.

13th February 2014, 10.08am

Well, today is just a day of tests for me.  I didn't have a French test, had a literary visions test, AP stats test, no astronomy test, AP literature and composition test, no AP psychology test, and no band test. I don't really know how I could have a test in band? Our "tests" in band are our performances, not actual tests.

Last night, I had pep band. We got to play the pregame show for a professional basketball game.  It was pretty cool, but there weren't many people in the stadium when we played, which sucks. I don't think it was even broadcast.  That kinda pisses me off because we worked so hard and for what? That's right, NOTHING.

Tomorrow, besides being Valentine's day, is the start of AmKe. Yesterday, my fiance was unsure he would be able to make it to the con because of illness. As of this morning, however, he will be coming up tomorrow morning. He says he is doing better, but isn't sure about making the three hour drive up. I hope he does get better before tomorrow. I want him to enjoy his weekend.

Sorry about jumping around with all of this. I really don't mean to; it's just the way that my brain works. I don't normally look at things as one continuous line. I think of time as just this.... This sort of messy ball of yarn. Everything is somehow touching everything else. If you move a small part of the yarn, it messes with everything around it. I don't know how to describe it any better, sorry....

That reminds me! I broke down crying before my AP statistics test this morning. The stress just finally got to me after this week and I really don't want to come to school tomorrow because I'm scared I'll start crying again.  I really don't like crying.

9.37 am

I already ready to go on a rampage. I'm sorry for all the venting but it keeps me from relapsing... I just need AmKe to come faster. I'm about in tears over all of this shit. I can't handle being a fucking retard. I used to be brilliant. Now I'm not even average... The only reason my GPA is higher than a 2.0 is because I get weighted grades for being in AP classes... I'm so stressed out and I just want to cry over all of this.... I'm passing exactly two classes right now... How fucking pathetic of me...

Literary Visions (8.22am)

My fucking literary visions teacher is a MORON! I feel that I am a fairly good writer which might be because I have taken two AP English classes. She has marked me off on papers for stupid things such as not capitalizing "band" or "chemistry". Neither of those should be capitalized anyways!! I'm so frustrated! This class was supposed to be an easy A to bring my GPA up a bit but NO! Of course not! I can't get anything higher than a god damn B in this class because she just doesn't like me. I fucking hate this school. The teachers are allowed to downgrade you just because they don't like you! What kind of society do we live in where this is acceptable?!

Yeah, I hear all you people out there saying "Well, what's wrong with a B?"  To that, I say EVERYTHING!  When this is supposed to be an easy A class and I can't get higher than a fucking B, that is just stupid!!! I hate my teacher as much as small children hate vegetables!

12th February 2014, 7.46am

We have a half day today.  Last night, I worked on my Fluttershy cosplay. I hope to upload a picture eventually, but it's not even close to finished yet and AmKe is in tow days! I finished the shirt and tail already. I'm still working on the wings, the element of harmony necklace, and the ears. I made the ears, I just have to paint them and glue them onto my headband.  I plan on working on the wings tonight and tomorrow.  The necklace will just have to wait unfortunately.... I plan on starting to pack on Thursday, so I hope to get the wings done tomorrow too.  I won't have much time on Friday.

I need to pack a lot of stuff.....

• dress for the ball
• heels to go with dress
• makeup
• mask
• Fluttershy cosplay stuff
• shorts
• tights
• shoes
• ears
• makeup
• tail
• brush for tail
• Rave stuff
• shorts
• black tank top
• shoes
• Finn cosplay stuff
• shorts
• shirt
• backpack
• Jack doll
• shoes
• sweats for sleeping
• extra shirt or two
• toothbrush, toothpaste, hair brush, etc.
• shit ton of ponytail holders
• cash
• purse/bag

That's just what I can remember right now... Ugh!!! I'm thinking of trying to stay home on Friday so that I can have more time to work on my cosplay stuff.

11th February 2014, 10.10am

There are only three days until I'm off to AmKe! I'm getting super excited now!!

In other news, my fiance and I are fighting. I called him out for being immature. I want a husband not a kid. I have told him before that he needs to act his age more often. I don't want him to be mature all of the time, but he can't be immature all of the time. It makes me sad and aggravated that he doesn't take me seriously. There is a ball at AmKe and I just... I want to have a nice time with my fiance and I want to be able to dance the night away, but he refuses to take the ball seriously... All he's been talking about is how he just has to find a cane an monocle for the ball... I get it, he's trying to be cute but I've been trying to discuss what we want to do for dinner that night since that's Valentine's day.  He can never stay on topic and he just keeps saying he still hasn't found a damn cane.... He's like a two year old and it just really upsets me... I haven't talked to him since last night because I can't stand it when people interrupt and refuse to listen to anything anyone else has to say.

I'm sorry, I realize that I'm ranting but he just won't listen to me. I am getting so sick of him treating me like a babysitter. I just hope he realizes that I'm getting close to the end of my rope before I have to leave in order to feel like a human being that's worth something again.....

10th February 2014, 2.04pm

No one seems to be in a good mood today...a;lskdfj I can't believe AmKe is only 4 days away!!! I'm so freaking excited, yo!!! XD

7th February 2014, 10.31am

I just keep hurting people... I've hurt one of my best friends in the entire world... He's been there for me no matter what and I had to say some hurtful stuff to him this morning and I hate myself... He never wants me to talk to him again and I just feel awful about everything... I want to make it up to him, but I know I can't... I just feel horrible about all of this... I keep shaking because my heart is so heavy because of hurting him...

2.31pm

Something ended up ruining my day.  A lot of my past got brought up today and I have been ready to just cry. I don't handle these sorts of topics very well and I tend to close myself off from people.  I'm still not sure if I really want to talk about it yet, but I fear that I'm going to have to so that my rants can be comprehensible to you.  Maybe I should start....

6th February 2014, 10.07am

Today is my fiance and my 7 month anniversary.  I know it doesn't seem like a very long time, but it feels like we have been together for years. He's my everything.

Anyways! There are only 8 more days until Anime Milwaukee!!! I'm so excited! Today can not be ruined by anything I am that happy right now!

7.58pm

I feel like puking up everything I have eaten for dinner. I don't want to be fat anymore. I hate every inch of my body.

2.28pm

I have been on edge all day and I'm starting to have mini panic attacks and I just can't deal with this right now. I'm already failing two classes which is shit. I'm so done with high school. I should probably be working on my homework, but I just can't focus right now and I just want to cry at this point.

12.26pm

In my AP psychology class, we are currently talking about motivation.  It's kind of interesting because of my self harm and the anorexia.  Especially since today we are talking about hunger.  That just really gets my attention.

I've been thinking about fasting a bit again.  It's kind of hard to do that right now though. My mother keeps a close eye on what I eat because of my past. I think I might be able to. I really don't know though.

5th February 2014 10.36am

Only 9 more days until I go to Anime Milwaukee! I am super excited not just because of the convention but because I get to see my fiance while I'm there. I convinced him to come up since it's over Valentine's weekend. I can't wait to see him and hug him and kiss him!

So in other news, I've almost gone three weeks without cutting! WOOT! David (my fiance, I don't know if I've used his name yet?) also fixed everything with his roommate. You have no idea how much of a relief that is!

Other than all of that, there isn't much else to say.  I have only 64 days before I head off to France and 90 some odd days until I turn 18.  Not terribly exciting but something to look forward to at the very least.

1.59pm

So I'm stuck in homeroom today because all the returning students have to learn about the classes they can take next year. Why can't seniors just go home? It would save a lot of grief...

So I have some new developments happening in my life.  Unfortunately, they are NOT for the better....  My fiance rooms with an ex girlfriend, which I've never had a problem with.  This ex girlfriend of his is psychotic...  We gave her the nickname "Crazy" for said reason.  Crazy still thinks that they are a quote on quote "thing".  Today, she took his cellphone and read the texts between us and just lost it.  Last time I talked to my fiance, he was leaving the house just to get away from her.  He'll be calling me after I get out of school so that we can discuss what to do next.  I'm just scared that he's going to be kicked out because he really doesn't have a place to stay and I can't do much because of school.....

4th February 2014, 9.22am

My fiance texted me this morning saying "Do you know what is significant about the numbers 2 and 8?"  I knew in two days is our seven month but I didn't know what eight meant.  I told me that eight stood for how many pills he would have taken on that sunday if he hadn't met me on that saturday.... Now I'm just sad. I mean, I'm so happy that he didn't try to kill himself, but I can't help thinking that he was going to die... It depresses me...

2.20pm

I really hate this girl next to me right now.  It's mostly because she cheats on every boyfriend she's had. Now my one friend is back with her. Notice that I said BACK. As in they broke up. Wanna know why they broke up? She wanted a different guy. She had him for like a week then came crawling back. Like, seriously?! My friend doesn't get why I don't think he should have gotten back together with her. I don't know I just needed to rant. Sorry.

3rd February 2014, 10.17am

This weekend was just... yeah... Not gonna really talk about it.

I guess I should talk about yesterday at work though. I work in the back and make sandwiches. I was steaming a bun for our fish sandwich and when it came out, I burned my arm. I didn't tell anyone until it hurt too much to bear which took about an hour. I was glad it was an accident because then everyone accepts it as such. No one would ever think I did it on purpose.  That got me thinking about other "accidents" that could happen at work. I'm not saying I'm going to try them but I'm also not saying I won't try them.