20th February 2015, 5.42pm

Lately I've been thinking about in middle school when I was suffering from an eating disorder. I keep thinking how everyone always commented on how pretty and skinny I was and it just.... It really makes me cry. My friends and family watched as I starved myself and actually encouraged it. I get that maybe they didn't mean to, but that's what they were doing.

Surprisingly, this wasn't even the worst. This was October 30th, 2009.  In this picture I was still about 135lbs.  I later got down to about 120lbs. I used to think I was so pretty in this picture. I loved that I was so small... Hell, I used to miss this.... A lot. Sometimes, I still have days where I want to do this again even though I know how hard it was on my body. I was constantly sick and cold. It was honestly terrible.

Even almost 6 years later, I'm still not fully recovered from this time in my life. My boyfriend at the time always told me that he loved how skinny I was. I wanted to make him happy (since he was my first boyfriend, after all) so I continued starving myself.

Last year was probably the hardest since 2009 and I was very close to starving myself again. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and he would always tell me that if I gained a single pound he would leave me, no questions asked. He would point out every roll and stretch mark and tell me how ugly "fat chicks" are. I became very self conscious again. I thought he was only saying those things because he loved me and didn't want to see me unhealthy. Truth is, I'm a fairly healthy weight. Granted, I could stand to lose a pound or two but that's just me.

For the past 9 months I have been trying so hard to dig myself out of this hole that he helped me dig. I am so lucky to have such an understanding and caring boyfriend now... I really can't believe how lucky I am sometimes. He understands that I still have my days and I probably always will. Whenever he can, he checks up on me and asks what I've eaten. He doesn't get mad if I haven't eaten much that day. He really understands how hard it is for me some days. The only time he's gotten mad at me was when I lied about having eaten for a week. I hate when I lie to him, but I hate disappointing him even more.