Today was Zach and my 10 month anniversary. We weren't able to do anything together due to the fact that I had work all day and then he had his class tonight. Don't even mention the fact that we're both broke ass bitches...
I figured something out today while at work. Whenever Zach and I fight, I bring up random shit that he's never actually said/done (i.e. looking down on me for working at McDonalds). I finally figured out what the hell is going on. Every supposedly 'random' thing that I've brought up are things that David used to do. I believe that these are mini episodes that I'm having. It's not that I forget who I'm talking to or whatnot, it's just that my brain is telling me that Zach is David and has said these things. I don't really understand why this is happening lately, but it is. At least now I semi understand what is going on and was able to explain it to Zach in case it happens again.
I've been thinking a lot about David lately, in fact. It's mostly just been about our relationship and how perhaps it wasn't all him. Every time I think about it, I believe more and more that I had done something to provoke his behaviors.... Maybe I'm just over thinking all of this... I'm not quite sure anymore... To be completely honest, I'm not even sure whether or not all of what I've said about David is actually true.... I'm not sure as to whether or not I made all of the abuse and trauma up. I couldn't have possibly made all of it up, right? I just need some validation that I'm not completely insane. I just want some answers from him. Why me? What did I do to deserve all of it? Did he actually love me at all? Was anything he said even true...? I don't know what to think anymore... I can't even get myself to delete his number out of my phone. I'm so fucking pathetic...
In other ews, my friend Kendrick left for New York today. I'm really going to miss him... I kind of hope things fall through out there and he comes back... Does that make me an awful person or what? I should just be excited for him and hope for the best. God, I'm fucked up.
No comments:
Post a Comment