I feel completely lost, to be honest. I don't feel like I've been getting better, but I don't think I've gotten worse. Is it possible to have no more ups and downs? Is it possible to just plateau in this gray area where nothing is good or bad, it just is? I swear, I'm not completely insane. I may be missing bits and pieces of sanity, but I am no where near insane. Even my relationship with Zach has seemed to become.... Run of the mill. We try to keep things interesting, but it's hard being 2 1/2 hours apart... I was thankful to see him this past weekend for Valentine's day. We had a lot of fun, but now we're back in reality and it honestly kind of just sucks. I wish he and I could afford to get a place together and be able to live together like we both want.
He gave me a ring for Valentine's day. He says that as long as I have it and wear it, it means that our love will conquer all (not his exact words, but he isn't terribly astonishing with them). I absolutely adore the ring. I'm not one to wear rings usually, but I can't seem to take the thing off. It's as if it's meant to be there. Many people believe that we are engaged since I wear it on my left ring finger. Truth is, I just don't like having anything on my right hand/wrist. I've always been like that. Bracelets and the such just bother me while writing if they are on my dominant hand.
Zach really does make me incredibly happy. I truly hope he knows that. I wish I could let him know that just because I'm not always smiling on the outside doesn't mean that I'm not having fun/happy. I'm just not the type of person to show enjoyment and happiness. I haven't been for quite a few years now. There have been times where he thinks I'm mad at him when I just don't have the energy to smile. It's not that I'm upset, I'm just tired. It's not that I'm tired of faking smiles and happiness, I am literally just tired. I have been so exhausted lately and I feel like it has really taken its toll on our relationship. I don't know if anyone actually reads this. I don't know if I even care. This was supposed to just be somewhere that I can leave my thoughts without having to worry about judgement. So, I guess if no one reads this then there is no judgement. I feel bad when I don't write for a while, but college has taken a lot out of me. I love the experience, but I absolutely dread the downfall after everything has finished and it's time to sit down and do homework. I normally end up on Tumblr or Facebook, but today I ended up here. I don't know. I'm just upset. Zach wrote me a lovely note that helps when I feel like this, although he doesn't believe much of what I say anymore it seems.... He wrote it one day when I was extremely depressed and wanting to not eat anymore. I had asked him why he loves me and the note was his response.
It reads "Because you're perfect to me. I love you for you. I didn't fall in love with you for your body. I fell in love with you for you and you've always been like this for as long as I've known you. Why do you think I let you get your hair cut? Because I love the you that I've always known and loved."
It makes me feel so much better when I read it, but some days a note isn't enough and he doesn't seem to understand that. He feels that I've just been lying about the note helping which isn't true at all. Some days are just worse than others... I wish I could fix myself. I wish I wasn't completely terrified of asking for help. I wish I could afford the help I need... I feel like I'm just a big disappointment for everyone around me and I absolutely hate this feeling but it won't go away and nothing I do helps 100% right now and I'm slowly running out of options. I love Zach unconditionally, but I can't stand to watch him be dragged back down because of me. I know that if I told him that, he'd fight me tooth and nail because I know he loves me just as much, if not more, as I love him. I am totally head over heels for him and that is why I can't watch this. It was hard enough seeing him in the hospital when we were just friends. I can't imagine doing that as his girlfriend/fiance/wife/whatever I am to him now. I cried so much the day he was admitted.... I can't go through that again. I can't let him get bad again... I don't know if that means that I need to just pretend that I'm better or... Or if I need to leave and act like none of this meant the world to me. Every time I think of the latter, I cry like the absolute baby I am. I don't know... I'll be back later, I guess...
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