I can't seem to

keep my mind off of suicide today.  I just... I truly can't see myself living past the age of twenty-one.  I see myself buying a handgun when I turn eighteen and then getting drunk off of my ass when I turn twenty-one and shooting myself.  I can just imagine the blood and my brains splattered across the wall.  I wear my smile as a way to hide the pain that I feel.  I cannot take this for ever.  I need to stop this from continuing on into younger generations.  I can't imagine raising a child that has depression while I fight my own inner war.  I don't want to show my children how fucking weak I really am.  I just need to find a better way to off myself.