It's been over a month since I last wrote here... I haven't really been using my laptop since winter break started... I've just been really depressed. Nothing out of the ordinary for me... All I feel like doing is cutting open my arms and bleeding out.... I'm sorry, but it's true. My family makes me feel worthless and they blame me for shit not getting done around the house even though I'm hardly ever home due to work whereas my sister is home all day and just plays around on her damn computer. It isn't fair. Why isn't she expected to do something for the household??? I can't wait to go back to school, honestly... I wish I could move out of this godforsaken house, but I just don't have the means to do so....
In other news, Zach and I have been back together for just over 5 months now. He's really the only thing holding me back from suicide at this point. I just don't want to push him over the edge... I don't want him to go back to the hospital. You see, he's the friend that admitted himself into a psychiatric facility back in July. We got back together shortly after he came home. I wish I could live with him.... He's starting college on Friday at WCTC (a technical school). He is going for network administrating. I don't understand computers all that much, but they make him happy so I'm happy for him. I'm so proud of him for going to school. He had planned on starting last fall, but because of the hospital stay and him moving out, there wasn't much time to sign up. He's my world...
I get to see my best friend on Wednesday. She's home for a few days and I haven't seen her since August. She moved in with her boyfriend down in Ohio. She wasn't supposed to be coming home until spring, but her parents gave her money for Christmas so that she could come home. I miss her so much... Her parents' house is just a block over from mine, so I used to go over there all the time and see her. Going from always seeing her to hardly even hearing from her was hard, but we make it work. I'm so excited to see her....
Monday, January 12, 2015
Sunday, December 14, 2014
14th December 2014, 10.01pm
I am so sick of my roommate! I am so glad she is moving in with a friend after winter break. Her boyfriend is always over here and he's annoying as fuck and never wants to leave. She encourages his fucking behavior and rewards him for whining by kissing him and giving him food. This is ridiculous. It is my room too, but when I had Zach here she made a big ass deal about not being in the room a lot. I didn't ask her to leave us alone. She did that all on her fucking own. All I asked was that she sleep at her boyfriend's for ONE night so Zach and I could sleep on the FLOOR of our room together. This is ridiculous! She kept texting me to make sure it was "safe" for her to walk in. We aren't going to just do it on the floor of my room! We have some dignity. Yeah, we fooled around but only at night so we knew no one would walk in on us and we had the door locked. I'm so sick of her coming back to the room drunk at 3 in the morning when I have shit to do at 8am. I can't wait to have the room to myself, even if it's just for a week or two. Who knows, maybe no one will move in and I'll have the room all to myself! That'd be fucking awesome. My roommate is rude and obnoxious. I can't stand her anymore. I've been putting up with her by just leaving the damn room and getting away from her even if it's just for a cigarette. I shouldn't have to go sit outside because she's too busy having a ton of friends in our room. I can't get anything done in there. Hell, I'm sitting in the lounge right now because she has her boyfriend over. He's watching Netflix while she's studying and every few minutes or so she'll ask very loudly what the hell happened. I'm sick of her. I'm sick of her boyfriend. I can't wait to go home.... Only 3 1/2 more days.... I can do this. At least she leaves the day before me so I can have my stuff all over the room while I pack. I can't wait to see Zach. He's coming out here to pick me up so I can come home a day sooner than I would be able to if I was to catch a ride with a friend. While I'm checking out with my RA, he's agreed to start carrying stuff down for me. Isn't he the best? I can't believe it's only been four months since we got back together... God, I love him so much...
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
10th December 2014, 10.53am
Today marks 2 weeks of no self harm and 1 week until my first exam. But today marks something much more important. Today marks 4 months that my boyfriend and I have been back together. He has done so much to help me with my depression and he's always there for me no matter what. He means the world to me. He only wants what's best for me. Yeah, we have our fights but in the end we always figure out what went wrong and try to fix it. I love him to the moon and back. I want a future with him and I am striving towards that by going to college. The distance is hard, but we both know it will be worth it in the end. Besides, it makes the time we get to spend together even more special. I love him with all of my heart and I don't think I'd be here without him at this point.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
4th December 2014, 10.20pm
I make poor life choices. I continually learn this the hard way. I give people second chance after second chance in hopes that they will change. I should know they won't. But for some insane reason, I continue to try and be the better person and take the high road.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
2nd December 2014, 10.24pm
Everything's getting harder. I haven't gone a day without crying in a while now... I can't keep living like this. I can't handle the mental and emotional break downs. I can't handle the panic attacks. I can't handle the urges. I want to cut. I want to burn. I want to pull. I want to scratch. I want to choke. I want to die. I hate crying so fucking much.
Monday, December 1, 2014
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