11 August 2017, 3.59pm

I'm struggling today. I'm struggling a lot more than usual. I just feel so alone and like I can't talk to Nick about it. I'm just not sure how to cope sometimes.

18th April 2017, 8.18pm

There have been a lot of things I've tried to deny. The main one is the fact that I was raped. I was raped at age 13 by someone I thought was my friend. I was a freshman in high school. He was a year or two older than me. I thought he was sweet and kind, but he turned out to be nasty and awful.

David raped me, too. It took me a while to understand that it was rape. I was scared to say no. You should never ever be scared to say no. Just because you don't say no doesn't mean it isn't rape. Consent is mandatory. He never got my consent. He raped me every time we saw each other for most of our relationship. I was too scared to say no. I was terrified of being hit because of saying no, so I kept my mouth shut. I was raped. A lot. I am a rape survivor. I'm still absolutely terrified of running into David...

3rd April 2017, 2.02pm

As an introvert, I have a hard time being around people. I get drained from being around more than 5 or 6 people at a time. Because of this, I have a hard time in most of my classes since they're usually closer to 24 people. It gets worse when I'm depressed. So you can imagine how today is going....

2nd April 2017, 9.46pm

What are you supposed to do when it's show week but you can hardly get yourself out of bed without crying? You persist. You tell yourself that the show must go on. You tell yourself that you have to because you are needed. You tell yourself that you would be severely missed. You tell yourself that you can do this better than anyone else can. You force yourself to get up and talk to the cast and crew. You stay quiet about your inner turmoil so the cast can vent to you about their show problems. Shows only last so long. So are these days where you struggle to even open your eyes in the morning. You persist.

20th February 2017, 2.23pm

Nick's mum comes home today! We visited every day this weekend. We also each bought her some pretty flowers. The nice weather is gone, but that's okay.

16th February 2017, 10.08am

The surgery ended up taking 13 hours. Everything went well. Nick's dad was able to see her last night around 11pm. The hardest part is finally over. They tested her lymph nodes as well and they came back negative (thankfully). We will be headed home tomorrow after classes to visit her in the hospital. I mostly succeeded in keeping Nick occupied last night. There was one point where he got really anxious, but that's because we hadn't heard from his dad since that morning. It's done, though. That's the best part. The surgery is over and she's doing okay.

15th February 2017, 9.53am

I'm not allowed to cry today. I have to stay strong for Nick. His mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple months ago. After all the tears and needles and waiting, she is having a double mastectomy today. It started at 8am and will take all day. I have to be strong for Nick and his family. He needs me to be there to keep him from thinking too much. I've only known his family for about 4 months, but they have become like a second family to me. Today, I am terrified. Today, I have to pretend I'm fine. Today, I need to be strong. I can't cry in front of Nick today. He needs me to be strong and understanding and okay. I need to be able to distract him. I need to try and keep a smile on his face. If anything goes wrong during the surgery, we are going straight home. I hope it doesn't come down to that because I'm not sure what he would do. Hrs already been worrying about this surgery for weeks. I have to hold him up today.

19 January 2017, 12.20am

Just a quick update.

Still haven't cut at all. Still dating Nick. Going back to school on January 20th. Nick is joining me this semester as a theatre major in Platteville. Trump is the POTUS starting tomorrow... dear lord save us...

Mostly things are going great. Excited to see what 2017 has in store for me.

3rd November 2016, 12.24am

It's officially been an entire year since the last time I cut myself. I'll be honest, I didn't actually think I'd make it a year but here we are.... here we are... I'm extremely proud of myself, don't get me wrong I just.... I can't believe all of the things happening. I'm stage managing my first show, I'm going to Las Vegas in May, January 2018 I'm going to London, May 2018 I'm graduating college.... I feel as though my life has taken a complete 180 and god does it feel good.

Besides all of that, Nick and I have been together almost 4 months now. I finally got to meet his sister and mum about 2 weeks ago now. I won't get to meet his dad until winter break probably. They love me, thougj. They absolutely love me and I love them. I've never actually had a boyfriend's family genuinely like me. Both his parents and my mother think that Nick and I are perfect for each other. My dad loves Nick, which is highly unusual.

8th October 2016, 8.51pm

Tomorrow marks 3 months with Nick. I've never been this happy before. Even my lows are higher than some of my highs ever were. I'm so lucky to have him in my life.
On that note, I'm not happy right now. I'm down right depressed. I know it will pass, it always does but I can't shake this feeling that I don't deserve anything I have.
The show opens on Wednesday. I can't believe it. Today is the first day of tech. It's almost done, though.

4th October 2016, 7.50pm

Yesterday marked 11 months without self harm. I can't believe I'm so close to a year now. I'm so lucky to have people like Ben and Nick by my side through all of this. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be a year self-harm free next month.
In just 5 days, Nick and I will have been together for 3 months. It's crazy how fast the time has gone by. I'm so lucky to have him in my life... I really don't deserve him.
Today, I started over on my workout schedule. My back is finally good enough to be doing it again... Nick and I decided to start over on day 1, but he doesn't know that I'm planning on doing whatever day we are on plus the next day. I'm ready to be sore every day to get the results I want.... He's always trying to convince me that I am pretty and sexy, but I just don't see it...

19th September 2016, 7.34am

So, it's been a year since Zach left me. Without him, I've gotten my lip pierced, gotten super close to getting on the Dean's list, gone almost a year without cutting, and found someone who truly loves me for me. I am in such a better place than I was a year ago. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days but I'm stronger now and know I have people who've got my back.

19th September 2016, 7.34am

So, it's been a year since Zach left me. Without him, I've gotten my lip pierced, gotten super close to getting on the Dean's list, gone almost a year without cutting, and found someone who truly loves me for me. I am in such a better place than I was a year ago. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days but I'm stronger now and know I have people who've got my back.

15th September 2016, 9.34pm

Monday marked 45 weeks since I cut. I'm doing okay I guess. I had to go to urgent care on Tuesday evening. My back has gotten much worse. I'm currently on steroids, pain killers, and muscle relaxers...

6th September 2016, 7.19pm

I started my 3rd year of college today. I thought it was going to be great and fun.... I was wrong... I forget that I don't really have friends here... no one wants to hang out with me... so I'm just going to sit in my room and work out or read or do homework.... who needs friends anyways...? At least I'm not depressed... maybe I'll go for a walk later... I'm so busy already....

9th August 2016, 4.06pm

I was fired today. I loved my job and I have no idea what to do with myself these last few days before I head back to school. My work was one of the few things keeping me from my depression.... all I've done today is cry and go for a walk with Nick... he's at work now...

On the bright side, Nick and I have been together a month now. It feels like... I don't know exactly... he makes me happy... Ben says that this is the happiest he's ever seen me these past 2 years.

6th July 2016, 9.04pm

I've been doing really well since starting my job as a camp counselor. There's only been 1 day this past month where I wasn't okay but I was still able to handle it really well. It's been 8 months since I last cut. Nick and I are becoming pretty serious. He spent the night last night. It was perfect.

15th June 2016, 6.22pm

I'm almost done with my first week as a day camp counselor and god damn do I love my job!! Yeah, I'm super tired each day after work, but seeing the smiles on those kids faces each morning makes it totally worth it!

11th June 2016, 1.14pm

I've been doing really freaking amazing lately! I finished training for my summer job yesterday. I'm so excited to start on Monday! Life is actually going great and I'm so excited to see what happens next!!! :)

30th May 2016, 2.55pm

Today marks 30 weeks without cutting. Last night u was surprised by one of the exchange students I met 6 years ago. He's in the stated again for about 3 months. We caught up and talked a lot. It made me smile so damn much.