8th November 2015, 11.09pm

Today was a really good day actually. I stayed in bed for a long time just chilling then I went to the PSC and drew a bit. I was trying to catch the Redskins game, but there was someone else on the tv watching the Packers game... I sang a lot too. That was a lot of fun.  Then Ben came back from Madison and we went to dinner and hung out.  Overall, today was really great.  Now I'm just Snapchatting with Sean and Peter.

6.53pm

I just had a major... panic attack... I think... I'm not actually sure what happened... I just couldn't handle any light or sound and was barely able to breathe... It lasted just about 2 hours and I'm finally calm enough to eat and listen to some music... I messaged a couple people while it was happening.. Brandon, my friend from West Bend, called me immediately... Hearing someone's voice helped a lot... I was able to get my breathing under control then. Then Gina and Kyle messaged me at the same time and I've been feeling a lot better since talking to them.

7th November 2015, 3.27pm

This week was fairly good. I was a bit sick on Thursday but that cleared up fairly quickly.  I suddenly had two or three mental breakdowns during classes on Thursday, but I felt a lot better afterwards. Ben and I went out to Texas Roadhouse last night to celebrate his birthday.  Nothing big happened this week.  Besides Thursday, I've been really okay actually.

Tomorrow is my stepmum's birthday and then the 19th is my mum's birthday. Mum and Caitie are coming out next weekend for the football game and Last Blast so we can celebrate mum's birthday.

2nd November 2015, 7.55pm

Damn me and my god damn anxiety attacks... Damn my lack of impulse control... Damn my workload... Damn every god damn thing about life right now...

1st November 2015, 11.54pm

This weekend actually went really well. Yeah, there were a couple of bumps along the way but it all turned out all right. I finally felt okay enough to take one of my knives back from Ben. I wasn't ready to take back my big heavy one yet though.

I think I'm slowly starting to get over Zach in my own weird way. I think what I miss most is being in a relationship more than I miss being with him in particular. I feel like that somehow makes everything better.

I find it kind of funny that everyone thinks that Ben and I are a couple. What they don't realize is that he is one of maybe three friends I have out here. Plus we have a class together and we work together. It makes hanging out real easy.

Lately I have been feeling my depression slowly seeping up, but it actually hasn't been anything I can't handle. I'm thinking of going to a sexual assault therapy group thing tomorrow. Even if I don't talk a lot, it'd be nice to feel less alone. The only problem is that it starts at 4pm, but I have band until 5pm... I still might go for a bit. I feel like it would do me some good to say some of the stuff out loud rather than just typing about it.

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things lately. It's kind of odd, but I'm really starting to become who I've always wanted to be. I smile a lot more when I look in the mirror and others have started to notice. I should really go to bed soon... I don't want to though. I'm tired but I'm not... I need sleep.

28th October 2015, 12.44am

All of a sudden, everything has begun to spiral down again. I started crying during Play Analysis yesterday... I'm trying to write a paper for Gay and Lesbian Drama, but just can't stay focused... All I want to do is talk to Zach and try to make everything better. I love him so fucking much. I can't handle this.

I'm not in the best of mind sets tonight.... I keep overthinking things and have begun to get the urge to cut again... I don't want to start again, that's why Ben has 2 of my knives... I hate not having them...

22nd October 2015, 8.38am

I'm the friend that everyone throws away after a while... I'm the friend that no one would care if they ever talked to me again..

Everything hurts today... Physically, mentally, emotionally.... I miss Zach so much... Everyone expects me to be okay since he left me a month ago... I feel like any time I tell people what's really wrong they just get annoyed... "Why be hung up on a guy that hurt you so much?" "Just get over him." "You're better off without him." I'm sick of it... All of it... I can't keep hearing the same things over and over... I just need someone to sit down and fucking listen... I need someone to hold me while I cry... I need someone to just try to understand why... No one wants to listen, though. They want there to be some sort of quick fix to get me back on my feet. It isn't that fucking easy. I was with him just over 13 months. I yearned for him for over a year before that... We'd dated for a couple months before that... He has and always will be the one that got away... I can't help it... How exactly am I supposed to get over someone who has had my heart for almost 3 years and counting now? I don't care how he treated me at the end. I don't care that maybe he isn't the one. He's the fucking one I want right now. He's the closest I've been to having the one. I can't stay mad at him. I can't no matter how hard I try and no one fucking cares. All they see is the bad in him... There's so much good... I just want him back... I could never hate him... Zach, if you're reading this I love you... I will always love you...

I have to go get ready for class....