4.32pm

There are still quite a few days where I don't feel confident at all. I'm working on loving myself the way I am and it works most of the time. There's always going to be days where I don't love myself, though.

I was asked to be the assistant stage manager for the first play in the fall and then the stage manager for the second play. I'm really excited but completely terrified at the same time. I'm planning on trying to work backstage during the musical next year, too.

I'm planning on taking 16 credits next semester. Two of those credits are Practicums and one is Marching Band. I'm going to be so busy, but it's so worth it.

31st March 2016, 7.33am

Tonight's the last rehearsal before tech week starts. We get tomorrow off, but Saturday and Sunday are each going to be about 10 hours long. I can't believe we open next Wednesday already. There were a few hiccups last night but hopefully it'll be smoother tonight. Although I get really frustrated and stressed during rehearsal, it actually helps release stress since I'm running around and moving things and making sure people have the props they need.

My professor actually asked me if I would be interested in being an assistant stage manager again for the first play and then a stage manager for the second play. I said yes, but I'm worried about not being able to do band....

I have my advising meeting today at 3pm to go over classes and stuff for next semester... I have no idea what classes I want to take yet... I know I need French and scenic painting. I want to take marching band and another practicum. Hopefully I can squeeze in a science or speech class. I don't think I'm going to be able to take abnormal psychology, though.

3.15pm

Dear Zach,

Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for breaking me. Thank you for pushing me down to rock bottom.  Because of you, I am stronger now. Because of you, I know what I want and deserve in a relationship of any sort. Because of you, I know it's okay to say goodbye if it's better for your mental health. Because of you, I have become happier than I have been in years.

I know now that a lot of it had to do with me, but at the same time a lot of it was you. We weren't compatible. We didn't even have that much in common. I wasn't the best girlfriend. In fact, I was far from it. I was stubborn and pissy and never knew when to just shut the hell up.  You weren't the best boyfriend ever, either. You were cruel and always had to be right and treated me like a child. Now, I'm not saying you were completely awful. You were sweet and thoughtful and kind. There were times when you made me feel like I was incredibly special and loved. I'm always going to hold onto those fond memories of us.

I forgive you. I forgive you for all the times you put me down. I forgive you for all the times you put my schooling down. I forgive you for all the times you put my passions down. I forgive you for making me sob during classes. I forgive you for causing me immense amounts of mental pain. I forgive you for all of the emotional pain that you put me through. I forgive you for making me hate myself. I forgive you. You are only human.

Now, I ask that you forgive me. Forgive me for all of the times I ended up starting fights. Forgive me for all of the times that I caused you mental pain. Forgive me for all of the emotional pain I caused you. Forgive me for being so stubborn. Forgive me for making you worry all the time. Forgive me for being human. I'm not going to beg nor plead for your forgiveness. I just ask that you consider it for I am only human and make mistakes. Unfortunately, many of my mistakes ended up hurting you.

I wish no ill upon you. I have no bad feelings towards you. What happened, happened. Honestly, I applaud you for being able to leave in order to retain your own mental health. I hope you find happiness. I hope you find peace. Whatever those two things may be, I hope you find them. I know that I'm getting closer to those two things every day that I continue to work on myself.

Our good times will always be in my memories and in my heart. I'm still trying to let the bad times go, but I'm getting closer each day. Some things just aren't meant to be.

29th March 2016, 12.09am

Yesterday marked 21 weeks without cutting. I think that's the longest I've been in a long while... I don't know how to feel about it to be honest.

25th March 2016, 11.46am

I really can't wait until I never have to see my sister again. I'm tired of being blamed for her losing things... it's not my fault she has no see of organization or anything like that.

I've been talking to this really sweet guy lately. He makes me so freaking happy. I just wish I had the time to go see him...

24th March 2016, 6.17am

I just had a nightmare that woke me up... I was cuddling with this guy that I've been talking to recently but suddenly, he turned into David.... and he started choking me and screaming at me... I couldn't make out what he was saying though... it was terrifying...

22nd March 2016, 9.44pm

Today marks 20 weeks without cutting. That's 140 days. It doesn't seem like much, but it's getting easier...