31st March 2014, 8.48am

So I dyed my hair this weekend, but I need to redo the tips because well... They came out more caramel then black ahaha. Oh well! I can't believe I only have ten days until I leave for France! My stomach is churning because I'm so excited and yet so scared! I just wish I had an mp3 player, but I lost mine. Maybe I could buy one off a friend. Hmmm. haha.

Far Too Late

As she just laid in the middle of her bedroom floor, the thought popped into her mind. Not one of boys or clothes. No. She thought of nooses and different poisons and how to properly overdose. She thought of how little people would care and how easy it would be to just end it all. She had decided to do it that night. She decided to cut her arms and stomach before she hanged herself. She cut her stomach and as the blood ran down her legs, she cut her arms vertically as she had been taught on all those how-to sites. As she began to lose consciousness, she stepped up onto the stool and faced the pre-tied noose. She slipped her head through the hole; she blacked out and fell forward. The knot tightened as she fell off the stool. It took a few hours for her to die since she hadn't broken her neck. Her younger brother found her hanging, swinging in the basement. He sat there and cried in a pool of her blood as he clung to her dangling legs. The police went through her computer's internet history and found tens of hundreds of how-to sites. How to: tie a noose, cut yourself, hide self harm scars, etc. That's when they realized how blind they had been. That's when they saw how broken she was. That's when they knew she had needed help but they'd ignored her pleads to be noticed, to be cared about. That's when they knew it had been too late to save their little girl....

27th March 2014, 10.16am

Today I am just tired. I was having a bad day, but then I went to my AP statistics class and my day got a bit better. Now it's getting worse again. I don't really know what to talk about right now. I'm just trying not to cry again...

Newest story I wrote...

 “Come here sweet child. I heard you were having a bad day. I can fix that. Just take this. You know what to do with it.”

“I… I can’t take this… I may be having a bad day, but I don’t need to bleed to be okay. I’m better now. Please just go away…”

“You know you need me and the pain. We make you normal. We make it so you can live. Do you not want that cuz I know someone who can help with that.”

“No! I want to live… I want to be normal, but… Hurting myself doesn’t make me normal.”

“Yes it does. You can’t function without us. You need us. Stop pretending you don’t you fucking bitch.”

“I… I don’t need you, though… I’ve been doing so much better without you guys. Stop… Please just leave me alone.”
“You know you miss it. The rush, the adrenaline pumping through your veins. You miss your little secrets. Hell, you even miss hiding the fucking evidence. Just admit it already.”

“N-No! I don’t m-miss it whatsoever… Why won’t you just leave me alone??”

“You fucking need us! Don’t try and get rid of us you fucking pussy! You know you want to slice open your fucking veins! Remember, down the road. Not across the street. Not unless you just want attention. Is that what you want?!?”

“N… No… Please ju—“

“Shut up! Let your blood free! You’re fucking useless anyways! You should just kill yourself! Go fucking die!”

“P-Please stop. Go aw—“

“Come on you coward! Hang yourself! Everyone fucking hates you anyways! Just do it you fucking pussy!”

“I’m beggi—“

“I said shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fucking hell up!! No one cares what you have to say! No one cares about you! No one would even notice if you fucking died! Stop your fucking crying! You’re making a god damn scene!”

“I’m sorry….”

“You better fucking be! Are you going to listen to me now? I’m the only one that cares about you, ya know. I know what’s best for you… It’s okay, sweetie. Smile. I can make it all better.”

“O-Okay. I trust you…”

“Good. Now, are you ready? I want you to follow my lead, child. Let me help you. Let me show you how to do it.”

“Okay…”

“That’s it… Be careful now. We don’t want you to bleed out before we get the rope…”

“Yessum…”

“You remember how to tie the knot, right?”

“Y… Yeah…”

“Good. Good. Come now. Make sure you’ll have enough room to drop. Don’t want to be able to stand, do we? Too many times have you escaped my grasp…”

“I know… I’m sorry… It won’t happen again… I promise…”

“There, there child. It will all be okay. I’ll hold you until it’s over.”

“Okay… Thank you… Should I leave a note…?”

“No. They don’t deserve an answer!”

“But… What about h—“

“As if he ever gave two shits about you! Let the bastard rot in fucking hell for all I care! Hurry it up! Someone’s coming!!!”

“Oh… Okay…”

*there’s a muffled thud as the chair falls back*

“Hush now, quiet now. It’s time to go to bed… Hush now, quiet now. Lay down your sleepy head… There, there child… It’s all over now… No one will ever hurt you again…”

26th March 2014, 10.32am

Lately, I've been reading creepypasta stories. I've become obsessed with Laughing Jack and Jeff the Killer. Last night I even did Jeff's makeup. It looked pretty good, too! I walked around town with it on and got a lot of weird looks but it made me happy so I don't give a fuck.

Sorry that it's sideways, but I don't feel like trying to fix it right now. That's too much work at the moment. I was so happy with how it came out!!! Hopefully I will be dying my hair either Saturday or Sunday this week. I'll be dying it black and then I have to wait to get my hair cut, but it will be amazing and perfect. I'm so excited about all of this!!!

25th March 2014, 10.19am

I don't have my car for the rest of the week. Excuse me not MY car, my sister's car. I got screamed and yelled at the entire way to school because my mother had to get up early to give me a ride to school. I ended up crying at school. I hate crying in the first place, but crying in public is the worst. I hate it. My mother yelled at me telling me how ungrateful I am and how I'm just a brat. I'd like to think I'm not, but I realize my opinion doesn't fucking matter.

When my sister is home, it's as if I don't exist unless I do something wrong. It doesn't matter if my sister was the problem, it's always my fault. No matter what is happening, I get yelled at. If I'm not getting yelled at, I don't exist to my mother. I literally went to bed at 8.30pm last night because no one even realized I was home. They were asking where I was when I was standing right next to them. I'm invisible. I hope this keeps up so I can get away with smoking a bit after school today. I don't want to deal with them today. Luckily, my mum will be out until around 9.30pm and my sister is in Chicago, IL visiting a friend.

Yesterday was my four week mark and today is the one month mark. Pretty great, right? WRONG! I'm super stressed and have been shaking periodically because I'm so addicted to the pain.

24th March 2014, 8.45am

Today marks four weeks of no cutting. It's kind of a bittersweet moment in all honesty. I miss the feeling, but I don't miss hiding. I have quite a few people that have stood by my side this entire time and others who only want to be with me when I am happy and that pisses me off. I just want people who care.