6.45pm

I'm still holding on.... going to try and take a nap... see if that helps... might shower later... might try to hang out with friends...

11.04am

I can't do this much longer... I can't hold on... I can't stop the urges... I'm weak... I'm nothing... I should have died 5 years ago.... why didn't I...? Why did I have to survive...? Why didn't I tie the noose right? Why did my friend have to come over that day...? Why did everything happen the way it did...?

27th April 2016, 2.11am

I wish I had cut tonight. I had so many opportunities to, but I didn't and I regret it. A lot.... maybe in the morning...

24th April 2016, 3.11pm

Today started off to a rough start, but I'm doing much better. I showered, made my bed, took out the garbage, walked to the store, made/ate lunch, and now I'm just chilling. I've been productive and that makes me really happy. I went hiking yesterday afternoon then I went for a walk last night. It was nice to get out on such a beautiful day.

11.32am

It was hard to get out if bed this morning. Both physically and mentally. At least I didn't completely bomb my quiz on wednesday. I got a C- which is a lot better than what I'd expected. Life's just hard today. I just want to sleep for a while, but I have homework to do.

22nd April 2016, 12.41am

So much for doing this daily haha. I'm so bad at this kind of thing.... oh well.

So, I'm finally starting to feel confident in my own skin again. It's taken me over 7 months or so to rebuild all the confidence I lost when I was broken down and torn apart by Zach. I'm so proud of myself for finally beginning to be happy with the way I look. Yeah, I could always be skinnier, prettier, ect but I love myself the way I am. I love my scars. I love my little belly. I love my thick thighs. I love me. And I'm so happy that I can finally say that and mean that again.

16th April 2016, 10.21pm

Today went well. I had an interview for a camp counselor position and was offered the job right on the spot.

15th April 2016, 10.50pm

I don't know. Today's just been blah. I'm doing a bit better. Glad to be away from school for the weekend. Sad to be away from some people though...

14th April 2016, 2.49pm

I'm doing a lot better today. It really helps that the weather has been extremely nice and I got to hang out with Ben for a while. We haven't been able to lately due to schedule conflicts so it just really made my day getting to hang out with him and play some pool. I got a lot of the stuff off my chest as well. I feel bad for going off on him the way I did, but he seemed to be understanding about it.

I register for next semester's classes at 3pm today. I'll be taking 16 credits. That's actually the least amount I will have taken besides when I dropped a class my first semester here and went down to 13 credits. I'm excited about my classes. I'm continuing with French classes and I will be working 2 shows. I'm also going to be taking Marching Band again and I'm actually applying to be the section leader for the clarinets. I'm excited but scared as hell. I'm going to be taking Theatre History 1, Scenic Painting, and World Civilization 2. Most of my classes are going to be on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I only have French and World Civ 2 discussions on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I'm going to see if I can move my World Civ class to Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's too much on MWF currently.

13th April 2016, 9.54am

I'm not doing any better. I have literally no friends. No one would care if I died. No one cares. No one would miss me.

8.20pm

I feel so alone. I feel like I have no friends. I haven't had any human contact since 3pm... I don't want to do anything... I want to cut... I want to die...

12th April 2016, 6.36pm

I'm going to try and write a post at least once a day from now on. They may not be long, but I need to stop holding things in until I break down in tears.

10th April 2016, 10.49pm

Why does the world seem so dark and awful when you sit in your room with just your thoughts...? All I can think about tonight is cutting or ending my life... I hate when I get into this sort of funk... no one seems to understand what I mean... maybe I just need some sleep....

9th April 2016, 11.15pm

I really hate how anxious I get... I accidently broke one of Ben's glasses and I was sure he'd be mad and yell at me for being a clutz... so while I waited for him to get out of the shower, I couldn't stop shaking while finishing the dishes.... once I told him, he wasn't mad though. It still weird me out some days. I was conditioned to know I'd get yelled at and hit if I messed up....

8th April 2016, 1.17am

The more I think about it, the happier I am that Zach left me. I've become happier and more confident than ever before. I'm starting to love myself and it's really fantastic. I don't think I would have been able to go as long as I have been without cutting if he and I were still together (I'm at 159 days!). I'm so much happier with where my life is headed, too.

7th April 2016, 1.03am

I really hate that u can think myself into a bad mood. I wish I could stop these thoughts but I just can't... I have no forms of stress relief currently... still drudging through recovery with the cutting and I can't smoke while I'm so sick.... I keep thinking one cut wouldn't hurt.... and maybe I'm right.... it'd make me feel better...

5th April 2016, 7.20am

My roommate has been getting on my nerves lately. She keeps getting on my case about things I can't control. For instance, she literally woke me up at 2am to tell me to turn onto my side because I was snoring. I'm sick. No matter what way I am laying, I am going to fucking snore. She keeps plugging my fish tank back in as well. I don't have a fish. He died. I keep trying to unplug it so that I can begin to clean it, but she always plugs it back in! She also keeps unplugging the fridge and then forgetting to plug it back in. I have had to throw away a lot of food because of it. It's just getting more and more ridiculous. I'm glad I won't be rooming with her next year.

In other words, tonight is the very last rehearsal for The Drowsy Chaperone. We open tomorrow and I'm so ready for this musical to be over.

4th April 2016, 10.21am

So, I currently have little to no voice. I'm just trying to stay away from all of the actors. We can't afford for any of them to get sick. We open on Wednesday. I can't believe we are almost done with this show.

3rd April 2016, 3.33am

Ben just really disappointed me... he is a dominate and decided to show off to some mutal friends tonight. It wouldn't have been a big deal, but he was tying up a girl that was drinking. She wasn't drunk, but she definitely was not sober. He broke one of his number one rules because he wanted to show off... I made it very clear I was disappointed and I feel bad for making him feel bad, but.... it needed to be done...

2nd April 2016, 8.44pm

I love how nothing I ever do is good enough. There's always something wrong with what I do... it's just great...

1st April 2016, 8.30am

My life just loves getting complicated... this is just great... awesome... so yeah... it's too early for this shit to be happening...